


Some Fall By Virtue

by thatdamnuchiha



Series: And the Crown it Weighs Heavy [2]
Category: Naruto, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Attempted Accurate Portrayal of Depression, BAMF Haruno Sakura, Brief suicide ideation, Crossover, Depression, Dimension Travel, Eriador, F/M, Glorfindel is an Angsty Bean, Haruno Sakura Tries Her Best, Haruno Sakura-centric, Heavy Angst, Not Canon Compliant, POV Haruno Sakura, Pining, Protective Haruno Sakura, Rangers (Tolkien), Rare Pairings, Redemption, References to Depression, Reincarnation, Rivendell | Imladris, Sakura is an Angsty Bean, Secret Identity, Seriously Sakura's Mental State is NOT Good, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Watchful Peace, be a shame if something happened to it, nice canon you got there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:47:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 27
Words: 86,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25174105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatdamnuchiha/pseuds/thatdamnuchiha
Summary: It’s Haruno Sakura’s fourth reincarnation, and her second time as a skin-changing creature of flame and destruction.The name marring her skin brings both hope and despair in equal measures, because her own name in that world is rarely spoken amongst those who remember it. The name hammered into her soul is as good as a curse. One which doesn’t promise a happy story, or a happy ending in the slightest. Still, it doesn’t stop her from longing for that elusive feeling which has escaped her in all three of her previous lives.Because there’s someone out there who’s meant to love her, and Sakura knows he’ll either do just that – or he’ll shatter her heart beyond repair.
Relationships: Elladan & Elrohir (Tolkien), Elladan (Tolkien) & Haruno Sakura, Elrohir (Tolkien) & Haruno Sakura, Glorfindel (Tolkien)/Haruno Sakura
Series: And the Crown it Weighs Heavy [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1800043
Comments: 432
Kudos: 896
Collections: Down The Rabbit Hole, Of Tales and Tears, The Many Iterations of Haruno Sakura





	1. ready, set, I'm about to blow

**Author's Note:**

> Well... I get my WIP count down to 17... and I decide to make it 18.
> 
> Smart, I know.
> 
> Anyway, here's the continuation of 'Some Rise By Sin'. Both titles come from "Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall." a quote from William Shakespeare. All chapter titles are taken from the song lyrics 'In My Bones' by The Score. Well, until I run out of unique lines, that is.
> 
> This is a slow romance, in case you didn't read the tags (though I tried not to put any spoilers in them). Please pay attention to the tag of 'Heavy Angst'. I mentioned that in the tags quite a lot, so be prepared for a lot. Like, you might want to bash heads together. I'll probably want to do just that - and I'm the one writing this. This will be a long fic, in case my current estimation of 45 chapters didn't give it away, so be prepared for the long haul dearies.
> 
> Additionally, just so you know, in case you didn't read the 'nice canon you got there' tag, this is an alternate world, ergo don't expect everything to be perfectly matching to the lore. This is a crossover, in case you didn't notice, and while I love the world and characters Tolkien created, I'm not him (obviously) meaning I write in my own style, and since this is fanfiction, things may be changed from the canon world.
> 
> EDIT: Now that I'm further in I can inform y'all that this work has frequent references to **depression** and **suicide**. Sakura is depressed, and I have tried to portray this accurately (and without the romanticisation of mental health conditions because this is not twilight) so if this might be a trigger for you - this is your warning here.

The grass rolled out around her like a blanket of green, at least until it reached the treeline marking the edge of the clearing she lay inside. She sucked in a breath then, noting how the taste of ash and blood hadn’t lingered. _Hadn’t followed her back to that world._ Laughter escaped her then, bitter and cold. She recognised the stars above her, even if the land was unfamiliar. A forest in Beleriand? Eriador? Sakura didn’t know.

She had never bothered to pay attention to the scenery or the location. Back then she had only thought of _burning_ anything and everything in sight. An outlet for the rage swirling inside of her, she had realised in hindsight. It was funny how dying three times had shaped her life.

She had been so angry for two of them. _So unlike how her Naruto would have wanted._ She could see it now. How senseless she had been, how she hadn’t been able to overcome hurdles so similar to that which Naruto had faced in her first world. _Before Sasuke killed her._ Sakura rubbed her chest, the cold spot over her heart, where Sasuke’s chidori had ripped through twice now.

“That was him,” she mumbled, quelling the vicious bitterness which threatened to well up inside her. “That was all on him…” Sakura had no right blaming his actions on others. _No right to take her anger at him out on others._ Her hands curled into fists, nails threatening to cut into her skin, and Sakura _hated._ She hated what she had become.

_Well…_ she mused, thinking on the creature woven from darkness, fire, and the twisted machinations of a madman who made Orochimaru look tame in comparison. _She didn’t exactly hate what she could turn into._ Sakura only hated what her emotional state had wrought. What the body she had been forced into was capable of.

Her fingers, fine and pale, ran down the skin of her arm. “Glorfindel,” she murmured again, cursing bitterly as she felt the tears well up in her eyes. _He deserved someone so much better than herself._ She was just as much of a criminal as she had been in her last incarnation, and worse, _she had only acted the way she had been angry – the betrayal of Sasuke still raw._

To make matters worse he was undoubtedly an elf, if the clear, crisp, _elven_ script on her arm was an indicator. _Which meant he knew of her, whether by living through the chaos she had brought unto the eldar, or hearing tales of it from his ancestors._ She bit her lip, shame and self-loathing roiling underneath her skin as she silently recounted all that she had done.

He would never accept her.

_She was fine with that,_ Sakura told herself, hating the bite of the tears which welled up in her eyes at that thought. _She would have to be fine with that._ It was her punishment, she decided right there and then. _For not being more like her own Naruto. For not being good enough. For not being able to forge a deep enough connection with Sasuke originally._

A snort escaped her then. _What a vapid little fangirl she had been at the beginning…_ She rubbed at her chest, as if that would ease the numbness she felt there. Really, though, she had thought she had changed. She thought she had known Sasuke at least somewhat. She thought she had been one of the people closest to him before his defection. Even after, she had thought she was one of the few who still cared for him deeply. Not that he had cared when he stabbed her through the heart in a blaze of blood and white, chirping lightning.

Sakura shook her head. “No point in dwelling on it,” she murmured, fingers digging into the pale, creamy skin marred by the beautiful black script. _There was someone out there, somewhere, who was meant to care for her._ Laughter rang out again, cold and unamused. _As if he could possibly do that, given what kind of reputation she had amassed for herself there._

Silently, Sakura wondered whether he would kill her too. Whether he would destroy her in every way possible before moving on with his life. She wondered whether he had already found someone else to love and care for – someone who didn’t care about the disgusting name inked onto his own flesh. Someone he actually deserved instead of the train wreck she was. She would be happy for him if she had.

_She didn’t need love. She didn’t need friendship._ Even if she wanted them she was undeserving of them as she was. Yet still a small, _childish_ part of her craved for them. Her laugh was a choked bark then. She was hardly a child anymore, what with her being on her fourth reincarnation. Her second as the skin-changer whose other form was horrible and renowned.

_Melkor had called her current form ugly._ He had despised it, so her other form it had been for years on end. She hadn’t wanted those cold, burning eyes to stare at her in disgust. _She had longed for acceptance in that once foreign world, desperate for a scrap of affection and love after what Sasuke had ripped from her chest._ But the twisted _Vala_ wasn’t there anymore. She couldn’t taste his taint in the air. She couldn’t feel his presence there. She couldn’t hear those songs of his which had brought nature itself under his control. He had brought discord and destruction along with it, burning landscapes, killing by the thousands with all of his twisted creations.

She had been one of his greatest. The only one who could change form as such. The only one which could walk amongst the secondborn – edain, _human_ – and just about pass for one of their number, pink-hair and unnervingly green eyes aside. Though he had never quite understood _why_ that was the case, hence why he had never managed to make anything remotely like her again.

It had been pure chance that he had plucked her soul from where it had been, she had learnt. And that was when everything had gone to hell for her. There was no Pure Lands for her after that. Only pain, fire, and the feeling of something unnatural being stitched to her. _Inner._

That part of her was no longer unnatural. She had borne it for years, and it had become part of her, so no matter how she missed that voice in the back of her head, Sakura knew Inner was gone. She was on her own. No voice there to tell her she was doing right by herself. No voice to tell her to burn everything to the ground.

Sakura hated the part of her grateful for that – the part of her which hated being a slave to anyone else in any way, shape, or form. She hated the part of her that whimpered and pleaded for any form of attention and care there. _It was a weakness._ She didn’t need anything like that. _She wouldn’t be getting anything like that._ Her lip curled, and she ignored the sting in her chest and the way her arm pricked.

Tightening the bandages, replacing the bracer around her soulmark, she took stock of her situation once more. There wasn’t another soul out there as far as she could tell. Scowling, she drew upon her chakra, eyes snapping back open as she realised the problem in an instant. _Of course._ Chakra didn’t function the same in those lands. It vanished within a matter of meters of leaving her body, as she soon rediscovered, both from the memories which assaulted her, and from the fact she couldn’t enable her own sensory abilities. _Well, beyond enhancing her senses, that was._

Everything was fine, so long as she kept the manipulations within or near to her body – but her chakra was lost to the voices of the wilds if it went beyond that.

Unless she was breathing fire from her mouth, of course. That was the only semblance of a nature transformation she could manage. A scowl curled on her lips, and she stomped on the small flames crackling and smoking in the grass. _She didn’t want to use those fires again._ The ones which had burnt everything in their anger. The ones she had used rashly. Sakura slammed her eyes shut. _She could still remember the screams._ They hadn’t deserved that. None of them had.

Screwing her eyes shut, she stumbled back – away from that blackened grass – until her back came to rest against one of the trees surrounding her. Craggy bark met her fingertips, the song of nature surrounding her as she let out a long breath.

She needed to calm down. That was first on the agenda… and then she’d think about what exactly she was planning on doing next. _How she was going to live her newest life, in light of every realisation which had come crashing down on her like the waves of the Belegaer._ Her legs gave out then, and Sakura found herself cuddling her knees as she waited there in the darkness. Moonlight and starlight were her only companions, providing enough light for her to see – what with her eyesight. It was better than that of the _edain_ after which her current form took. Though she certainly wouldn’t age like one.

_After all, her second form was…_

Sakura shook her head, pushing those thoughts away. She didn’t want to remember that. Didn’t want to remember how she had fallen to her death, the final blow to her lumbering body. Shuddering, she pushed the memories to one side. Survival and figuring out where she was could come before all the moping and mourning she needed to do.

“Compartmentalize,” she muttered to herself. “Little boxes.” Sakura nodded sharply, pushing herself to shaky feet. She wasn’t a new-born colt or anything of the sort, and as such _her legs shouldn’t have been shaking._ Her hands dug into her thighs, smacking them as if that could get them to stop wobbling like they were limp noodles.

Her memories were shoved into the little box of _‘to deal with later’_ and her legs stopped in their movement, shinobi mindset taking over. Survival came first on the agenda, and to do just that, she needed to find civilisation. Sakura swung herself around, finger pointing out as she whirled to a stop, pointing to the treeline. _Southeast or southwest,_ she reckoned, not knowing the movement of the moon high in the sky.

She had never needed to navigate those lands, not like how she had navigated using stars and maps back in the Elemental Nations. Sakura didn’t know the constellations above her. She couldn’t use them to tell where in Arda she was. All she had needed to do before was obey orders. Head towards the sound of battle and unleash hellfire there upon the beautiful armies dressed in silver and gold. She had done that with such glee, earning herself a hollow happiness in her time there. That happiness was so short-lived. _And all because of Uchiha Sasuke. It was his fault she was there. His fault she had wound up desperate for any scrap of affection. His fault of what she had done to try and earn—or was it? She had made her own decisions. She had decided to burn the world…_ Sakura shook her head. “Little boxes,” she reminded herself, shoving all the raging swirl of regret and anger into that little box in her mind – ready to be unpacked at a much later date. “Survival first,” she said, voice echoing through the trees despite how small her voice sounded.

_So unlike the rumbling timbre it had before._ Sakura closed her eyes, shaking the thought away, scowling as pink hair smacked her in the face. Her hair was as pink as ever. “Dammit,” she muttered, bringing up a lock of her sakura pink hair. _How she had received her original name._ “How could I forget?” she whispered, tugging irritably on the colour which was completely _unnatural_ in that place. The pale wheatsheaf blonde and locks the colour of silvery metal were the most interesting hair colours there were. She stuck out like a sore thumb. Or she would – if she ventured anywhere near civilisation, that was.

So first on the agenda was covering up her eyesore of a hair colour. Something relatively easy to solve with the forest around her. She could remember figuring out how best to cover up her recognisable pink locks when she had gone out on missions, and more so when she had gone rogue. Running into the woods, she scanned low and high, a scowl painting her lips when the only thing she could find were berries, dirt, and flaking tree bark. _Better than nothing._ It only needed to be a stopgap until she figured out the basis of _where_ she was. Then she could brew a better colouring for her hair. _Though it would still need to be reapplied with every wash._

There were no wigs or industrial strength hair dyes there as far as she could remember. The technology and craftsmanship wasn’t advanced enough. Or, at least, it hadn’t been when she had last been there. Sakura paused in crushing bark and berries into the mockery of a bowl made from overlapping leaves as the thought occurred to her.

She had died there before. But she had no way of knowing when or where she had been reembodied. _Maybe it was an alternate timeline where she hadn’t murdered anybody?_ Her heart leapt at the thought, but a gust of wind hit her then, carrying a song of rage and regret. _Don’t forget what you’ve done,_ it told her, and the trees creaked as if in agreement. She knew then that it undoubtedly was the _same_ timeline.

_Criminal,_ the voice in the back of her head whispered, and Sakura bitterly crushed her berries and bark. Water was relatively easy to find, what with her enhanced hearing, and all too soon her hair was coated in a sticky mess which hid the unnatural colour there. Her pink locks were hidden away. Her name was hidden away. The resemblance she had to the figure which had tormented elves and men alike vanished ever so slightly.

Her hands curled into fists as she stared at the warped reflection the stream gave her amidst the darkness. “Done,” she said, stepping back, circulating her chakra around her ears then, listening beyond the sounds of the stream gurgling over the loose pebbles further downstream. She listened past the sounds of night owls hooting in the distance, of the flapping of feathered wings as a bird dove down to capture the unsuspecting mouse in its talons. Straining her ears, her senses extended past that – all the way to the sounds of covered feet impacting hardened earth, and the sound of candles being snuffed out. Of doors being pulled shut with a creak of their hinges.

Verdant eyes cracked open, and Sakura noted that they almost seemed to glow in the reflection of the rushing waters. Tearing her gaze away, she snapped her head around to the distant source of those sounds she had heard. Civilisation.

It wasn’t as far away as she thought it might have been.

A smile curled on her lips, chakra cushioning every footfall as she made her way towards the place of life. _Life she had once tried to so callously destroy._ Sakura chewed on her lip, pushing away the unworthiness and shame which rose in her gut. It nibbled at her stomach, making her want to throw up all the more with each step she took towards somebody’s home. _A village,_ she realised, upon stumbling out of the treeline.

Sakura ducked under the makeshift fence which bordered its edges, stopping short as moonlight glinted off the blade suddenly raised to her throat. “And what might your identity be?” the gruff, weathered voice came from under the cowl of the green cloak which practically blended into the forest around her. “Sneaking into this village at such a time as late as this hour is…”


	2. never satisfied, I'm never gonna be refused

In all of her years, Sakura had been in many, varying situations, though she could say none were as bad as the same one she was currently stuck in.

The soup in her mouth tasted like ash. _Because they were the same kind of people she had once tried to kill… and rather than attacking her, they had taken pity after she blurted out the first story which came to mind._ Though it wasn’t like the blade the so-called _Ranger_ had held to her throat would’ve killed her. She wasn’t human.

Sakura ignored the snide voice which whispered she _never had been._ Shinobi were merciless killers, after all, for the right price and political climate, of course. She forced herself to swallow yet another mouthful of the meal so kindly prepared for her, hating the tense silence in the air as she sat inside the home of the Ranger who’d held a blade to her neck not fifteen minutes ago.

He was a scruffy man, with greying salt-pepper hair and a week’s worth of stubble. Had Sakura truly been a lost, terrified traveller, she would probably have screamed at the sight of him earlier. As it was, she was a hardened shinobi with a side of skin-changing tendencies and an alarming habit of setting people who irritated her on fire. She hadn’t needed much introspection to put that together, but she had decided to turn away from her fire-breathing tendencies.

Fainbarad, he had introduced himself as, and the name suited him – tall as he was. He had grown into his name, or so she figured with a mental chuckle, figuring it wouldn’t be good to mention anything of the sort when she had only just met him for the first time. He was a Ranger of the North, and Sakura supposed she was lucky she had run into him over any of the other villagers, because Rangers were bound by the code they followed to help the _free peoples of middle-earth._

She wasn’t one of the free people, even though she looked like one. Melkor’s machinations still lingered in the back of her mind, clinging to the fibres of her very soul, even if he and his influence had been purged from the lands. _The maia who had served him too was a different matter entirely though._ She had heard the songs of discord on the wind, ones which beckoned to her soul with the resemblance to his master’s for a split second before she had clamped down on her impulses and blocked off that noise. She was Haruno Sakura, and another name she didn’t want to speak of, and she refused to bow down to yet another tyrant.

She had only done it before because she’d been angry. _Oh so very angry._ But the fires of her rage had cooled, and now she was wallowing in regret, self-loathing, and a number of other depressing emotions. _Because she hadn’t been thinking ahead._ She hadn’t thought of soulmates, and how hard it might be for hers to accept her. _She hadn’t even realised she had a soulmate in her second life – her first as the skin-changing being of destruction and immolation._

Now she was paying for those actions.

_Good,_ a bitter part of her thought, even as she found herself being prodded by Fainbarad’s wife. _Gilithien,_ was her name, and Sakura was acutely reminded of her mother – even if she spoke nothing like one Haruno Mebuki. “Yeh need some more meat on those bones, love,” she had declared upon her husband bringing her stray self in, which was how she had wound up at the table for dinner.

Sakura wasn’t in the habit of trusting complete strangers, especially those who’d held her at knifepoint, but she figured she would take the help she could. _It wasn’t as if she’d be completely defenceless if they had lured her in to murder her…_ Though in all honesty, she would be very happy if she never had to transform. To shed her _edain_ skin and become a creature of nightmare and fire once more.

Besides, she had to try and make it up to the free peoples of middle earth… even if he’d never accept her. It was a selfish wish. One to try and make her feel better about her miserable self. One to try and repair the damages she had done once upon a time. Not that she would ever be satisfied with herself. There was no way to undo anything.

“Terrible business,” Gilithien mumbled, prompting her to tune back in to the conversation about her and her _circumstances_ taking place. “Yeh gettin’ waylaid by those no good sorts. Rarely see folk like that ‘round here, what with the presence of mah husband’s folk protectin’ these lands.” She shook her head. “Terrible luck, lassie.”

Sakura inclined her head. “I suppose,” she said, swallowing another mouthful. “Nothing too important was lost, and I got away safely…”

“You will have shelter here for tonight,” Fainbarad spoke then, and Sakura nodded once more.

“Thank you,” she said, reminding herself she needed to have acceptable manners with these people. She was trying to be _good._ Not to mention they hadn’t hunted her. They hadn’t turned their backs on her. In fact, they were doing the complete opposite. They were opening their door to her – a complete stranger in need of assistance. She could have been anyone. She could have been a murderer for all they—

Oh wait, she technically was one. Sakura resisted the urge to choke on her bitter laughter once more. It just meant it was all the more imperative to conceal her true identity and nature. People would only turn against her once more should they discover that much. _She would deserve it, but it wasn’t something she wanted._

Sighing softly, she continued to eat, some small part of her curling up in revulsion at the kindness she could sense in those gazes directed her way. _Don’t look at me,_ she wanted to scream. _She didn’t deserve those kinds of looks._ Shoulders stiffening, she stared determinedly at her dinner determinedly.

“We shall see about getting you home on the morrow,” Fainbarad said, slicing through her thoughts of shame and annoyance. “For tonight, rest well as our guest.”

She nodded again, the words escaping her almost unbidden. “I no longer have any place to call home,” she mumbled listlessly, remembering the cloudiness in the sky, blocking the light from Melkor’s dwelling. _The smog and the ash which choked at her lungs._ Even if it still existed there and hadn’t been destroyed beyond repair by the Host of Valinor, she would not want to venture near the place.

“Yeh poor child,” Gilithien murmured, and Sakura hated the thrum of anger which overcame her at those words. _She didn’t want pity. She didn’t want anything of the sort._ But then again she didn’t want the world to burn any more. Not now she was safely away from the Elemental Nations. _In the same world as her soulmate, even though he’d hate her so bitterly for her past crimes of anger, rage, and sorrow._

“I’m nineteen, ma’am,” she said then, wincing at the memory of her dying at nineteen in that second time around as Haruno Sakura, ignoring the fact she was truthfully nineteen plus a few centuries give or take. Deception was a shinobi’s bread and butter. “Not a child.”

“That is still young,” Fainbarad spoke, and Sakura almost frowned. _Edain were short lived, and as Sakura she could remember tales of sixteen-year-olds getting married within certain clans in the warring clans era._ She would have thought the culture there would be similar to that period, seeing as how the technology level was roughly the same. But she wouldn’t question what appeared to be common knowledge. “With a name like _Lothien,_ and your knowledge of Sindarin, you’re undoubtedly of numenorian descent.”

_Or she was, y’know, the creature of nightmare and legend who was supposed to hate everything._

Not anymore though. She refused to be. “Oh… I, uh, see,” she said, twiddling her thumbs as she stared determinedly at her empty dinner plates. “I’ll help clean up,” she added swiftly, picking up her bowl, plate, and the rest of the cutlery she had used.

“We take it out back tah wash, lassie,” Gilithien explained, and Sakura followed her obediently, wondering about the name with which she had introduced herself. _Lothien,_ translated roughly to blossom-daughter, which was as close to her original name as she could really think of. Well, the closest translation she could come up with on the spot. _Sindarin_ was the tongue she was most familiar with, followed by Quenya. Probably something to do with the fact she had an elf for a soulmate, the reason why those two languages had come to her tongue so naturally.

* * *

“Skills?” she had been asked over breakfast, a pair of dark brown eyes boring into her own so unnervingly as the Ranger nibbled at his own breakfast so lovingly prepared by his wife.

Her eyes narrowed, untrusting. Trust was not something drilled into shinobi. Not blind trust, at the very least, not that many realised that their blind loyalty and belief their village could do no wrong was a type of that trust. _Idiots, the lot of them,_ Sakura decided, lip curling into a sneer at the thought. Shunning people because of circumstances beyond their control wasn’t right. _Though the way she’d gone about protesting that hadn’t been right._ Not that there had been other choices.

Death or betrayal. Those were the two options the _oh so nice_ Konohagakure had given to her. Anyone who thought Konoha was the nice village was an absolute imbecile. It was still a military dictatorship who oppressed anyone it didn’t like. _So very petty of them._

“I’m proficient in combat, tracking, stealth – hence why I escaped unscathed – as well as haggling and negotiation, as part of my family’s trade…” she said, giving the briefest overview of her skills. Nothing that would give him an advantage, but Sakura had the horrible suspicion that this couple was sickeningly _nice._ They hadn’t tried to kill her in the middle of the night, and they were seemingly trying to find some sort of work or option for her.

Kindness like that had been far too scarce in the Elemental Nations. Sakura choked on her laughter, musing over the fact that despite the lower level of technology, her soulmate’s world was nicer. Humanity as a whole were closer knit. Though maybe it had something to do with having a common enemy? They did like their fights, after all.

Fainbarad looked to be in deep thought on the other side of the table, and Sakura could only hum softly as she ate the dried meat and eggs. It was so unlike what she usually ate back in her… back in the Elemental Nations. She couldn’t bring herself to call that place home. Yet another thing one Uchiha Sasuke had ruined for her.

Sakura mused over the benefits of writing a list of everything which had been spoiled for her, pushing away that idea in an instant. She didn’t know how difficult it would be to procure paper in the first place. _Though there was no doubt the elves and their scholars would have plenty._

Ah. There was the bitterness talking.

A wide smile broke out on her face. It felt wrong. She hadn’t truly smiled in a long time, given there wasn’t much to be laughing over or rejoicing when one was running for their life from ANBU and other teams of _loyal_ , braindead Konoha shinobi sent out. She was terribly grateful they wouldn’t be able to follow her there. Not now that she was in a world she had visited by pure chance before. _Pure chance which had led to her soul itself being warped along with the body which housed her spirit so._

“Well then, your best option, if you wish to stay in this village for the time being would be to bring back game from the forest,” Fainbarad said matter-of-factly, as though he dealt with people in search of work all the time. “There aren’t many this far north who dare to venture far in search of game.”

“Not since yeh went and got injured,” Gilithien chimed in, levelling a scolding glare in the direction of her husband.

“You say that like being a Ranger isn’t a dangerous profession,” Fainbarad grumbled, shrinking slightly under the pointed look his wife continued to give him. “I would do it again, if I had the chance, dear.”

“Aye, I know,” she murmured. “Yeh’re a stubborn man.”

“That’s why you married me,” he said, and Sakura felt her stomach twist at the weight their gestures to each other had. The way that there was fondness lingering in those gazes, even as reprimanding as they were. _Something she would never have._ Sakura gritted her teeth together, chewing determinedly on her breakfast, as if she could grind those memories to dust with her teeth.

Jealousy was an ugly thing.

So was denial.

_She didn’t want love. She couldn’t have it. She would never want it._ Air hissed from behind clenched teeth, and Sakura begrudgingly tried to let go of the tiny well of anger raging about inside her like a storm. It would do her no good, and she had sworn to change her ways. To diverge from the path she had unknowingly been treading through at least two of her lives.

Change was hard, and the well of anger remained, the waters of her rage stilled for the moment. Sakura closed her eyes. “Are there any maps of the surrounding area?” she asked, hating the way she felt she was breaking up a moment between the two soulmates. _She could see their marks clearly now it was morning. Now that she was looking for them._

“Aye,” Gilithien said, fiddling about in the kitchen area of the small dwelling. “But Fain’ll help yeh become… acquainted with the area. If yeh really want to stay this far north in Eriador, that is,” she continued, ignorant to the way Sakura perked up at that snippet of information. _She was in Eriador._ More information she hadn’t had moments before. Though it did bring up the question of why she had ended up so far east. It would have made more sense if she had awakened in Beleriand. Sakura chewed on her lip. _But at least she would be less likely to run into any elves…_ Shrugging, she turned her attention back to the task at hand.

She nodded then. “I think I’d like to stay here… for the time being at least,” she murmured, wrapping her arms around herself. “So I can… find my feet…” _In a world she had once set aflame under the orders of a mad tyrant who might as well have been a ‘god’._ Times had clearly changed since the First Age.

Silently, she pondered the date. _She was probably in a new age, at the very least…_ The War of Wrath had certainly been an excellent finale for such a time, she thought with a snort.

“Good on yeh, lassie, comin’ tah a decision like that,” Gilithien spoke, interrupting her thought train. “We can shelter yeh for a while… certainly got the room for yeh… jus’ help Fain with the huntin’ and the like is all I ask. His bones are gettin’ old, though he doesn’t want tah admit it.”

“Oh hush, you bothersome worrywart,” Fainbarad grumbled, shaking his head, before he spared a glance over towards the door where his outwear lay. _Though Sakura knew he had two daggers already hidden on his person._ “I’ll show you the game trails and the rest of the village after I’ve finished here,” he remarked, gesturing to his half-finished plate.

“I look forward to it,” Sakura said, sighing softly as she turned her own attention back to the remains of her own breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rough Translations:
> 
> Gilithien - Starlit Daughter  
> Fainbarad - Cloud/White Tower


	3. tryin' to learn the lesson in

His footsteps were near silent on the dewy grass, the sound of his cloak rustling blending in with the noise of the wind brushing up against the leaves of the undergrowth they trawled through. Fainbarad was undoubtedly a master of stealth, without chakra that was. Sakura followed him soundlessly, smirking slightly at the looks that earnt her as she followed him akin to a ghost. At least her chakra was still good and accessible. Not to mention it didn’t bring back memories of her second incarnation. _No, it simply only reminded her of the first and third, and the painful end they’d brought her._

Things would undoubtedly have been worse, had she not been able to use chakra in that form. Melkor had never been made aware of that skill of hers, but then again, she had been too angry to think straight. She hadn’t need to use it, what with the other natural weapons bestowed upon that unnatural form. It was a boon to her then though, given she hardly intended to shift form as such.

Still, she silently made a note of how he moved – because it paid to be prepared. One never knew when chakra exhaustion might strike. Her latest time as a rogue had taught her that much. Though really, she had learnt to look out for such things before she even left Konoha. Not that it had ultimately stopped her teammates from leaving her to die in a ditch, cold, hurt, and alone.

Fear and anger made people do stupid things, she could acknowledge. It didn’t make the betrayals from her past sting any less. Sakura sighed softly, the sound lost on the wind. There wasn’t anyone to betray her there… well, aside from Fainbarad and Gilithien.

She swallowed the lump in her throat at the thought, pushing the horrible musing as far away from the forefront of her mind as possible. _Because she was growing to appreciate what the couple were doing for her – a stranger who had come out of nowhere._ Perhaps that was why her guard was constantly up. Maybe that was why she was waiting in anticipation. _Waiting for the inevitable betrayal._ Sakura tilted her head, staring at the broad expanse of back in front of her, clad in that greyish-green cloak. _Was it wrong of her to hope it wouldn’t happen?_

_Evil beings like her probably deserved to be betrayed._ Sakura ignored the voice which crowed out inside her that she hadn’t been evil in her first life. Being outspoken and forthright in that which she had pursued didn’t count as evil. Sakura knew that much. After all, she’d been pure evil incarnate the second time around.

It was probably the same pitifully weak part of her which longed for the company of the couple. _The couple that all but dangled in her face the bond she would never have with her own soulmate._ She hated the green-eyed monster which reared its ugly head at every display of affection, no matter how subtle. Sakura only hated that part of her all the more. They reached a river then, and Sakura stared at her reflection. She blended in with the people there thanks to the mixture in her hair, but her own eyes still unnerved her.

The green was bright, almost unnaturally so. _She was unnatural there too, so it was probably telling._ She tucked a stray strand of hair back behind her ear. _Green was such an ugly colour._ It was one of the few things both her forms had in common – the unnaturally bright, almost acrid, green which filled her iris.

“You see these tracks leading here?” Fainbarad enquired, and Sakura nodded, spying the tracks of rabbits and deer.

“That I do,” she said, mentally marking where the place was in the mental map she was forming of the area in her mind. It was something she had always excelled in. Her mind had always been her strength, more so for the Elemental Nations that was. _She had been too angry the second incarnation._ Angry and warped. That was how best to describe that far too long life.

“Should you come here though, keep an eye out for predators. They’ve been known to linger in this area too,” he said, expression turning grim under the cowl of the cloak he always seemed to insist to wear up. “And should you ever see any fell wolves, then flee and inform me – unless you think yourself capable of easily dealing with such foes.”

Sakura barely managed to conceal her snort. _As if mere wolves would be a danger to her._ If they had any sense, they would take one look at her and run for leagues. Well, if they had any degree of intelligence they would. “Are they much of an issue around here?”

Fainbarad hummed for a few moments. “They are the most common sort of threat which plagues Eriador as a whole, though we have been fortunate not to find many. We’re north… and The North is where far more dangerous creatures linger in this day and age,” he spoke, lips curling down in a frown at the mention of that which plagued the northern parts of the world. “The threats of those sorts keeps weaker creatures at bay.”

“Dangerous creatures?” she echoed, running through the lists of all of Melkor’s creatures in her head, wondering what lingered there. _Wondering if there was something worthy of bringing out all her strength to fight…_

Fainbarad simply raised a rugged eyebrow, as if to question how she didn’t know such things. “Dragons, young one,” he said. “The Fire-Breathers are the worst to face, though thankfully their numbers are fewer than the ones who cannot.” He stood to his full height then, casting his gaze north. “Rare is it that they cross the mountain ranges, and venture south, but when they do… the hearts of us menfolk are far too easily ensnared by the spells in their gaze and their poisonous words. Pray that you never encounter one, Lothien, for they are fearsome foes indeed.”

* * *

Days passed, blending into weeks as she found herself growing content with staying there, in the small village there, within the company of a Ranger and his wife. It was a tiny place, compared to Konoha at least, and it stood that everyone knew each other. Due to that, it was inevitable that she would come to the townsfolks’ attention – especially when she brought the spoils of her hunts, with or without Fainbarad, to the market to trade.

Sometimes he came with her, others he was convinced to stay and rest his leg. It was an old injury, or so Gilithien told her one night. _They were too trusting._ Though part of Sakura hoped they wouldn’t view her as a stranger intruding in their home. She had become something of a lodger, given her successful hunting skills, and she had been rather well-received as a result.

“Ah, Gilithien’s girl!” Clovis, the wife of the local herbalist, called out in greeting. Sakura smiled, acknowledging the shout with a nod of her head. It wasn’t until Sakura met the people who dwelled there that she realised that Gilithien and Fainbarad were actually something of outsiders there themselves – given the village folk weren’t of numenorian decent, wanders from south who had ventured north as nomads until they decided to settle there some hundred or so years ago.

“Don’t speak of—oh, Lothien,” Dain greeted. “Another successful hunt?”

Sakura smiled, a small amount of joy enthusing her steps then. “Indeed,” she said, gesturing to the parcels Gilithien had helped prepare. The pelts from both the rabbits and the sole deer she had caught were still being processed back at the house. “Is something the matter?” she asked then, mindful of the sharpness which had been present in the older man’s voice only seconds before.

“Nay,” he said, shaking his head. “Clovis here just sometimes forgets it’s rather taboo to speak of Elruin, around these parts…”

Sakura raised an eyebrow at that, staring at Dain, waiting for him to realise that he’d just informed her of some so-called taboo. Clovis murmured something to her husband, and Sakura could only watch at the redness which crept into the rounded man’s cheeks. “What is ‘Elruin’?” she asked, hating her old instincts which surged at the promise of information. She hoarded knowledge. It was what she had lived on before, because it was an invaluable, irreplaceable resource.

“She was Fainbarad’s and Gilithien’s daughter,” Clovis said, gesturing for her to keep the volume of her voice down as she began haggling with Dain in the meantime. “There’s a reason Fainbarad ain’t fond of wolves. Dare I say he’s the one who scared them off this place…”

Sakura frowned.

“She’d have been around your age now, I’d reckon,” Clovis continued, ignorant of the odd range of feelings it brought up to the surface. _But maybe it explained why the couple had been so quick to open their doors to her._ Her shoulders hunched, and she hurried to collect the herbs.

“I see,” Sakura said, stomach feeling oddly heavy as she said her farewells to the couple, walking down the hill – closer to the heart of the village. She still had to get the vegetables for that night’s dinner, but she wasn’t looking forward to helping Gilithien with the cooking as much as she had over the last few days. But Sakura soon recognised what she was feeling. _How could she not?_ She had become far too well acquainted with the green-eyed monster there, and the thoughts kept swirling around in her brain after what she had learnt from both Clovis’ and Dain’s big mouths. Try as she might, she couldn’t just forget what she had learnt, and it brought a question to the forefront of her mind.

_Was she just a replacement?_

* * *

The longer she stayed there, the more foreboding the feeling grew – the sense that something sooner or later would go terribly wrong, and Sakura found herself growing oddly more anxious. She was a shinobi, and she knew it was a good idea to trust those sorts of instincts. There was only one problem, and that was that she had no idea what this threat would be. Wolves wouldn’t have been a big deal to her, though they might have been able to injure the rest of the people in their village, what with how vicious they were rumoured to be. Part of her wondered if she was simply being paranoid, because _nothing_ nice ever happened to her.

“—the furthest place from your old home you’ve been to, Lothien?” Fainbarad asked over dinner that night, and Sakura blinked as she pulled herself out of the well of thoughts she had dived into only moments before. They were consuming more and more of her attention, and she knew she would have to try and figure out the source. The sooner the better.

“Uh… here, I think?” Sakura said, scrounging around in her brain for names which would mean little to the men of Eriador. The descendants of the Numenor place which Fainbarad had occasionally mentioned over the months she had stayed there. She assumed it had been a fallen city of men, and she wondered when exactly it had fallen. _Probably while she had been ‘dead’ to that world, however temporary that state seemed to be for her._ She didn’t want to pry too much, not when he had assumed her to be a descendant of them as well. Sakura had already decided to do nothing to subvert that assumption, and she thought that throwing questions around might do just that. “I mean, I’ve travelled before, through Aglon and Himring before… but I’ve never ventured into Eriador before now, so this is probably the furthest east I’ve ever been.” She shrugged then, chewing on yet another mouthful of her dinner.

Dark brown eyes bore into her own so intently then, an emotion Sakura couldn’t quite get a read of glinting in their depths. “It must have been quite a journey,” he murmured, and Sakura inclined her head in acknowledgement.

He had been asking questions occasionally, about her past, and slowly – oh so slowly – she was answering as many as she dared. Of course, she wasn’t about to spill all of her secrets, but she had been living with them for a time. She supposed she could give them some information. After all, she hadn’t sprung from nowhere, and a good cover story involved her having a history there.

It was just lucky she was far away enough from Beleriand, so that relatively few would undertake a task of verifying all the parts of her story.

* * *

“It’s for my chieftain,” Fainbarad had said upon glancing up from the letter he was writing, chuckling at the look she had given the messenger bird. It was probably lucky there was a cage in which he could keep it. Birds had never liked her. Sakura winced at the memories the topic brought up, careful to keep her chakra – her very essence – under wraps so as to not scare the poor thing. She had vowed to turn over a new leaf, and part of it involved being as nice as she could to the same kinds of beings she’d once tried to destroy. It was the only thing she could do to quash the shame which rose whenever she looked at the beautiful lettering on her arm.

“He’s the one who assigned you here, isn’t he?” Sakura said, remembering the conversation they’d had some weeks ago, when a man dressed so similar to Fainbarad had turned up at the doorstep with a ‘delivery’ for the man. Said delivery had turned out to be scrolls from _loremasters_ regarding whatever he had asked for via his messages to the other Rangers scattered about the lands. Some stayed in one place, whilst numerous others roamed, protecting the lands as they had sworn to do.

Fainbarad nodded. “That would be correct,” he remarked.

Sakura hummed. “I suppose I should thank the man if I ever meet him, then,” she said, wandering outside moments later – but she still heard the slight, fond chuckle the older man let out. _She hated and loved it in equal amounts._ She didn’t deserve him. She didn’t deserve Gilithien.

She hated the part of her that was latched onto them. _Like an unsightly parasite._ That was an apt description of her. Laughter escaped her then.

It didn’t sound as bitter as it had upon her arrival to those lands.

* * *

“We consider yeh family, yeh know, lassie,” Gilithien told her one night.

Sakura barely refrained from dropping the plate she had been scrubbing as something inside her roared to life, making grabby hands for the two people who had taken her in like their own. _Even if she was just a replacement._ Belonging was belonging.

She hungered for it, _even if she didn’t deserve it in the slightest._ Her fingers traced over her concealed soulmark, a sad smile pulling at her lips. _But she supposed she ought to accept it, because there were no doubts her soulmate would never grant her the same feeling they did._

* * *

The moon was high in the sky, stars twinkling merrily amidst the midnight canvas above. A soft sigh escaped her as she stared up at the sight. Time was flying past far too quickly for her liking, and part of her was unnerved at how settled she had become in that small village. She had found her routine, and she enjoyed it. She could name every villager, and all of their children – and Sakura supposed she ought to have been able to do that much, given how she’d been there for at least two years.

Two years, and she was no closer to moving on or doing anything. She didn’t know how to right all the wrongs she had done, but she figured looking after a small village using her skills was a start. Her fingers curled around her marked arm. _Though it was hardly like her actions would endear her to her soulmate._ Tears bit at the corners of her eyes, and silently she wondered if she would be able to bear his rage. _His hatred. His bitterness for having wound up with her instead of someone so more deserving of his affections._

The creak of the door opening had her turning around, and she could only blink slowly as Fainbarad strode out to join her underneath the starlit sky. Around her, the air seemed to hum, becoming that much heavier as the man who had adopted her alongside his wife in everything but name stood a little distance away from her.

“You’re a strange one, you know that don’t you?” he spoke then, his voice uncharacteristically gentle.

Sakura chuckled. “Tell me something that’s new,” she said, shifting her gaze down to the trees surrounding the property. “You figured that out within days of meeting me…”

The sound of his laughter, so much softer than her own. _Without the bitter jadedness she had come to possess._ The perks of not having been stabbed in the chest, and for having a soulmate who accepted him, or so she assumed. “You’ve dwelled under my roof for what feels like an age… and to be completely honest with you, I wasn’t sure of you or your intentions at first,” he said, and Sakura could feel his gaze on her, imploring with her for something. “But I know now that you mean me and my wife no ill…”

“Of course not—”

“Your eyes change sometimes, you know,” he stated matter-of-factly, and Sakura froze. Blood fled from her face, heart pounding as she stared determinedly at the forest. _She couldn’t turn to face him then. She couldn’t bear to see his gaze turn cold._

Fainbarad and Gilithien had clawed themselves a place in her heart. _How could they not after a couple of years of being in her company?_

“In fact, they almost seem to glow in the dimness of the night,” he continued, as though he could see how stiff her shoulders were as she stood there rigidly. “But it’s not just that… Himring… Aglon… All those places which you told me about over dinner in such detail, like you’d been there yourself… You come from Beleriand, don’t you?”

Her voice was barely audible, even in the sudden stillness of the night. “What of it?”

“The entirety of Beleriand was sunk into the sea at the end of the War of Wrath, marking the end of the First Age,” he said, and Sakura could only blink at the revelation presented to her then.

“Oh,” she mumbled, her voice sounding terribly faint to her own ears. _She didn’t want rejection. She didn’t want betrayal. Not from them._

“I’ve seen the Eldar before, and you do not belong among their number,” he said blithely, as _though knowing all of that didn’t change a damned thing._ He would despise her – hate her – if he understood the extent of the truth. Her soulmate came from the ranks of the Firstborn, and she had no doubt he despised her. _Why would any of the Secondborn think differently?_ “Which begs the question… Who—No. What are you, Lothien?”

A sob choked it’s way from her throat, body moving before she could even process what was happening. Her feet were moving, pounding on the grass, dragging her through the underbrush as she did the only thing she could. _Run away._ Because she couldn’t face him. She couldn’t look the people, who had looked after her for months on end, in the eye and tell them of her crimes. _Of how she’d burnt and trampled over their brethren and allies until they were naught but ash._

Maybe she could have told others of how terrible a being she was, but not those two. Not the ones whose opinions she had come to care for.

She was too cowardly for that.


	4. fallin' every time that I do

Her lungs felt like they were about to burst.

She couldn’t breathe. _She couldn’t breathe—_

Her ankle snagged on a tree root, and Sakura stumbled forwards, tucking into a neat roll as she hit the ground. Foot throbbing, she climbed back to her feet slowly, a wince prying its way free from her frozen lips. She was an idiot. A big fat coward.

Around her, the wind whistled, and Sakura could hear the whispers on it. _Or were they the whispers in the back of her head?_ She didn’t know. All that she knew was that now she was apparently running away from her problems.

_Just like you ran away from Konoha,_ that snide voice whispered in the back of her mind, and it was at times like those where she really missed Inner. But she had accepted that part of her, and they had become one once more. One battered soul stitched together, like an old teddy bear, by Melkor and his machinations. Sakura chewed on her lip, hating the tears which ran down her cheeks, thick and hot.

_“We consider yeh family.”_

Sakura shook her head, trying to chase away the sound of Gilithien’s voice rattling about in her skull. _How could they consider her family?_ She was a monster, and it showed in her eyes. They shifted then, something within those horrid eyes of hers, and Sakura blinked at the sharpness which had suddenly descended upon her vision. She wasn’t using her chakra then. Still gasping for breath, she hobbled her way through the forest, stopping only when she reached the river a good distance away. There was a waterfall there, and it was wonderfully quiet.

Even with her throbbing ankle, it was fairly easy to shimmy her way behind the roaring waters, and into the little cave she had found there on one of her many adventures. _When Fainbarad hadn’t been there to caution her, because what if she slipped and fell into the waters?_ Sakura snorted. She had chakra, unlike him. She wouldn’t be felled by a bit of water, even if it was her polar opposite. _Well in every life except her first._

Sighing, she stuck her hand into the stream, relaxing ever so slightly at the silky, cool feeling of the waters she had once been able to manipulate. Fire had come with Inner. With all the changes wrought to her body and soul at the hands of—

Her fist slammed into the cave floor, uncaring about the sting of pain which followed. She wanted to feel pain. She wanted to feel the pain she deserved. _She had been lingering at Fainbarad’s house, not telling them of the monster she was._ But now Fainbarad was so close to figuring it out – figuring out what a monster she was.

Sakura didn’t want to be a monster.

She wanted to go back – back to her first life and tell herself to never get involved with Uchiha Sasuke. She wanted to go back to a time before Melkor had messed with her soul itself. Before she became what she had that day. Before she had unleashed her fires upon her foes. But reality was a cruel mistress.

She was a monster.

Her soulmate would never accept her.

Now the two people she had grown to care about were going to find out about what a horrible being she was. _About what past sins she carried._ Her hands curled into fists, shaking and white. _Well,_ that snide voice whispered, _they wouldn’t discover anything for certain if she didn’t go back… didn’t confirm their horrifying suspicions._ Sakura screwed her eyes shut, a whimper escaping her then. She sounded like a wounded animal. _A wounded monster._ But it wasn’t physical pain that hurt her so. Mental anguish was a bitch.

She didn’t want Fainbarad’s eyes to turn cold. She didn’t want to have to hear him say, _“Get out of my house, monster.”_ Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes at the thought of that happening.

“Ugly,” she whispered to herself. “You’re so ugly…”

Her fingers prickled then, some sort of shiver of anticipation rolling over her skin, but Sakura fought against the change. She didn’t want to change skins. She would only crush things, and the last thing she wanted was anything happening to the village. It was her home.

_But monsters don’t have homes, do they?_ that snide voice chimed, and Sakura buried her face in her knees. Hands dug into her skin, talons slicing—

Blinking, Sakura pulled her hands away from her trousers, examining the sharp claws which tipped her fingers. _Monster._ She flinched, pushing the change back. There had been years of figuring out how to skin-change, and those years of practice didn’t fail her then. Her hands went back to being completely human, and Sakura wept.

She hated Sasuke for stabbing her. Repeatedly.

She hated herself more, because it was always her decisions which brought harm to everyone she cared about. _Such a rash and hot-headed being you are,_ the mocking voice whispered. _Never thinking before acting. Never thinking before you speak. It’s no wonder Sasuke stabbed you…_

“Shut up,” she muttered, slamming her hand against the floor of the cave, on her hands and knees as she stared down at her own reflection. Dyed brown hair which became pinkish after two or three washes, and those horrid green eyes.

An acrid colour. Like toxic poison.

_Just like you then._

“Shut up!” she snarled, hating herself even more. _Because the voice wasn’t wrong._ She really was poison – a blight upon that world. She didn’t deserve what she had. She didn’t deserve her soulmate. But her greed was an ugly thing.

She wanted Fainbarad and Gilithien. She wanted to stay with them, and laugh when they laughed, and cry when they cried. She wanted to learn how to be human again. _How to not be a monster._ She wanted to find her soulmate, and she wanted to love and be loved in turn. Her fingers wove through her hair as he buried her face in her hands. She wanted to scream, but the sound wouldn’t come, instead the mockery of a snarl did.

She hated herself. She wanted to destroy—

_You always do though… destroy, that is,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura shoved her face into the nearest puddle to drown her sobs. _What a horrible creature you are._

“I know,” she whispered, water dripping from her face as she stared at the face of a monster. The face reflected at her from the puddle of shimmery water beneath her. It was such a beautiful night outside.

_It’s just ruined by you._

* * *

Sakura didn’t know how long she sat there for, the sounds of waters rushing past concealing her from the rest of the world. It was a safe space. _Though probably not the safest._ But nothing could protect her from her own mind. There was no defence against that.

The moon was high in the sky by the time she finally found the vestiges of her courage. She pieced them together slowly, hating the hope in her heart as she did so. _The hope which told her, “Yeh family, yeh know, lassie.”_ Sakura screwed her swollen eyes shut, rubbing at the tears furiously. She sounded so weak.

_You always have been._

Sakura gritted her teeth together, focusing on her scant few good memories, pushing the voice to one side. Because she had hope, and that hope was enough to quell that little part of herself whispering those hurtful words to her. They said she was family. Family stuck together, _didn’t they?_

_“I’m not sure about this Sakura… are you really sure you’re cut out for the life of a shinobi?”_

_Weak._

_“Our daughter has a faulty soulmark!”_ her mother’s voice rang out in her mind then, replacing that of her first lifetime’s. _“Do you realise what kind of looks the neighbours give me when they realise that I gave birth to her?”_

_Her hand paused on the door handle which was still a bit taller than herself._

_“I know,” Kizashi whispered, and Sakura peeked through the crack in the doorframe to spy her parents embracing in the kitchen. “I know.”_

_“I’m a terrible mother,” Mebuki murmured, hiding her face in her husband’s shirt, and Sakura could hear the quiet sobs which came with her mother’s confession. “Sometimes… sometimes I wish she hadn’t been born at all…”_

_Her hand fell back to her side, and wordlessly, Sakura stumbled back. Tears bit in the corners of her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, turning around to run back up the stairs – to run and hide away in her room, where nobody else could see her cry. “I’m sorry I was born.”_

Shaking her head, Sakura pushed the memory away. _Her soulmark wasn’t faulty there._ A small smile curved at her lips. That realisation had come just a bit too late for her. It wasn’t like there was anything she could do about that now. Time was cruel. Reality was even crueller – _to give her a chance to meet her soulmate as she had so longed to in the Elemental Nations._ Her hands shook, fists balled up, knuckles white. _There would be no happy ending for her. Those only existed in fairy-tales._

She just wanted it to stop. She wanted everything to stop – the voices, the despair she felt at the thought of her soulmate, the pain she felt whenever she looked at Fainbarad and Gilithien. She wanted the uncertainty of whether Fainbarad and Gilithien would accept her gone too, and there was only one way to do just that.

Tell them.

Tell them everything – her side of the story. _How she had been betrayed, how she had made a mistake and taken her anger out on that world, just because she had wanted someone, somewhere to love her._ Steeling herself, she took a deep breath in, looking at the rushing waters shielding her away from the rest of the world. Rock crunched under her feet, stones skittering into the pool of water beneath as she made her way back along the narrow ledge she used to gain access to her little den of solace.

_This was it,_ she decided, sucking in a sharp breath as she turned to face the direction of the village. _This was when she received her answer._

Light flickered in the distance, and Sakura frowned as she made her way back to the quaint village. She couldn’t have been gone more than three hours at most. Fainbarad and Gilithien would probably be asleep, but she could tell them in the morning. Her stomach clenched, her nose twitching as the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end.

The village was lit up, like it had been when they had all lit lanterns in the celebration of some day Sakura wasn’t really sure of. But it wasn’t a festival, and the village looked so bright—

And she could taste the scent of smoke in the air.

And something else she was far too accustomed to, having spent plenty of time using her own fire techniques she now loathed, as well as fighting with and against those who used similar techniques.

Like something had been cooked.

Sakura wasn’t naïve enough to think someone had barbeque, and she gagged on the taste, _because it couldn’t be._ What kind of creature could take out a whole village using fire in under a couple of hours?

_You know._

Her begrudging walk turned into a jog, which then became a sprint. Because she saw them. _The flames._ She saw something which shouldn’t have been there. _The destruction._ Not there. Not that village. Not with her there to protect the place. “No,” she whispered, hating the tear trails which rolled down her face. “No!” she yelled, mind racing to think of what had transpired without her there. _Maybe the bakers had caught fire and it had spread? Maybe Fainbarad and Gilithien had evacuated…?_

_Who are you kidding?_ the voice whispered, sly and taunting. _You know exactly what happened… how could you not?_

There had been that lingering sense of familiarity and danger, which hadn’t made sense to her however many hours ago. A sense that something was coming, but it hadn’t registered as a threat. Not to her. Trees had been knocked down, a trail of destruction and fire blazed through the village. _Not the work of a fire which had started in the village and spread._ The buildings around her were burning, though most were subsiding, wood of the hut walls blackened and crumbling in in places.

She could see them, if she really looked.

Corpses, blackened, burnt, some turned half to ash, mouths opened to scream as they had burnt alive in their beds. Bile rose in her throat then. _Fainbarad was a Ranger… He would have… It was his job to…_

“Please,” she whispered, sprinting through the lifeless village, heart in her throat as she reached the familiar gate to the blackened property. It fell of its hinges, landing in a clatter of burnt wood and stirred ash. “Please…”

Frantic, she looked around, praying for a miracle.

But she knew.

She knew the universe was rarely so kind to her. A low whine escaped her, legs giving out as she caught a flash of bone. She was far too well acquainted with the colouring. Shinobi dealt with injury and death on a daily basis… but these people in Eriador…

“I didn’t even get to tell them anything,” she muttered, staring at the broken world which seemed so far away. “I didn’t get to find out whether you would accept me…”

She knelt there, surrounded by flame and ash, bitter laughter escaping her then as she turned her head towards the clouds. _Nothing had changed._ She was a monster, and she brought destruction everywhere.

_Not this time,_ the voice whispered to her then. _You know what manner of being stole something from us._ The seductive song drifted over her, and Sakura pulled herself out of her grief for a split second. Everything clicked into place then, and she shook her head, trying to chase the idea that snide part of herself had presented. _You know you want to,_ the voice purred.

Her hands dug into her legs, breaths coming in pants even as heated air dried her skin. _Fire barely affected her in either form._ Talons, thick and black, dug into the fabric of her trousers. “Control,” she muttered, quashing the voice as much as she could as she shuffled away from the smouldering rubble of what had been her home for the past couple of years.

It would only make things worse to transform, to shed her skin and assume the even more monstrous skin than the one she currently wore. Sakura screamed, fury, terror, and hatred fuelling her lungs. _She wanted revenge._ But she was angry. _And she knew what her anger had wrought last time._ She had sworn to change and change she would.

But change was hard.

Blood dribbled from where her talons broke the skin of her legs, pain making her focus. _She wouldn’t give into her desires. She wouldn’t change and decimate the being who had ruined her newest life in Eriador._ No. She would bury her dead. Bury the ones she had grown to care for in that place. She would mourn – that was supposed to be healthy, and then—

Sakura didn’t know what came after.

She was lost. Alone.

_I told you before – monsters always are._


	5. the chemicals inside my brain

Rain poured down from the sky, dribbling down over her damp clothing, spattering on the ground around her as it washed away the flames. Flames she could still breathe. _But she hadn’t been the one to breathe those._ If she’d have been there, she only would have breathed those flames to push back the others before they could touch her precious village. Her hands dug into the charred wood and baked ground which greedily drunk up the water which fell from the skies above. Water was nice. Water was good. It washed away everything, though it couldn’t quite manage her regrets and sorrows. _If only she hadn’t run away then… if only she hadn’t been such a coward…_

Blood welled up under the harsh grating of her tooth against her lip, the taste of coppery blood filling her mouth as she suckled on the stinging wound. _It was nothing compared to their pain_ , she mused, staring down at her dirtied hands. She couldn’t bring them back. She couldn’t demand answers as to whether or not they would have accepted her, war-torn and bloodstained as she was. Those were no badges of honour. They were the stains of her previous association. The marks of what she had done in the midst of her anger and longing for love and acceptance. Sakura smiled. “I don’t need pity,” she muttered, wrapping her muddy fingers around herself as sobs wracked her chest. _What sort of monster cried?_ she wondered then, turning her gaze up to the bright blue sky above her.

Morning had long since come, and she had just sat there, numb. There would be no more going to the market to pick up that which she needed. There would be no more greeting the actual _edain_ who lived there. _They were dead now. Turned to ash and bone._ And Sakura didn’t quite know what to do with her life from then on. She had grown comfortable there. She had wanted to stay there and bask in the warmth and acceptance she had found. Life was always so cruel to her though.

The pain of loss sliced into her heart like Sasuke’s chidori, and dimly, she rubbed at her chest, hating the feeling there. It was so familiar. So painful. She didn’t want that – she wanted, longed for, the happy ending she had dreamt up as a child. She wanted her soulmate, and she wanted to never lose anything ever again.

She wanted peace.

_Monsters don’t get peace._

Her teeth ground together, blackened wood crumbling under her fingers as she squeezed a piece of the ruined house in her tight grip. _She didn’t know what to do._ Wind whistled through her hair, and quietly, Sakura prayed there wasn’t a storm on the way. Not when she couldn’t even seem to bring herself to move from the ruins of the place she had called home for what seemed like an age. _Hardly. It had only been two and a bit years…_ But those years had been the happiest in a long time. She wished she could have continued living in that blissful bubble.

Reality loved catching up with her. It loved reminding of her how hated she should be. How hated she would be if they knew of her name in those lands.

“Fainbarad!”

Sakura froze at the sound, heart pounding in her chest. _Was she not too late?_

“Hurry, Aravir!” the young male voice sounded, and Sakura felt tears bite at her eyes yet again. _Because why would Fainbarad be calling his own name? Why would they be shouting and searching for him if he was amongst their numbers?_

“Calm yourself, Aradan,” another voice spoke up, and Sakura wept. _Because they were probably searching for their friend. The one she had failed to save, because she had been too busy being a coward._

“But—”

“Your voice carries… and whatever manner of being was behind this destruction is not something we wish to disturb as few in number as we are,” the older voice – Aravir, she presumed – said, and Sakura smiled grimly. The _being_ which had laid waste to her home was long gone. She knew it, deep in her bones. _She knew her kin._ She could sense them, or so it seemed, going off what she had felt but not realised earlier. _If only she had put two and two together and figured out exactly what was coming for them._

“Apologies,” Aradan murmured, and Sakura closed her eyes as she heard those footsteps grow ever closer and closer, until finally—

“A survivor?” It was undoubtedly Aravir who spoke then, and Sakura turned, tears trailing down her cheeks as she took in the greying dark hair, and the dark grey eyes which bore into her green ones with an alarming intensity. _Sakura prayed her eyes weren’t doing anything too strange._

_“You’re eyes change sometimes, you know.”_

Her fingers curled yet again. She didn’t want to remember their voices, nor their words. Now that those two were gone, they were like kunai, sinking deep and cutting flesh. _It hurt._ So much more than the many times Sasuke had stabbed her.

“Might you be Lothien?”

The voice made her startle, as did the sound of the name she had given in those lands, and dimly, she wondered how he had known. That name had only really been used by Fainbarad, Gilithien, and the village folk. _All of whom were now dead._ They wouldn’t have escaped, Sakura knew much. The being who had come wouldn’t have let any of them make it out alive.

_A cruel, heartless creature, huh?_ Sakura breathed out, the sound almost a hiss. _Now why does that description sound so familiar…?_

“Fainbarad wrote of you in his letters,” Aravir continued, proving that once again her emotions and questions were written all over her face. She always had been horrible emotional, and rather expressive in the grand scheme of things. _The disasters of lifetimes two and three explained right there._ Laughter escaped her then, short and a bit hysterical, but she supposed it was allowed, given her predicament.

“Yes,” she murmured after a few moments had passed. “That’s me…” Her fingers crinkled the fabric of her shirt as she grasped at her heart. _It hurt. It hurt so much, because they were gone, and she had gotten attached._ Nothing good ever seemed to last for her, or so she was learning.

“I see…” Aravir trailed off, and Sakura found the strength to stand to her feet once more.

A smile curled at her lips – a painful one, which only prompted more tears to build in her eyes. _Stupid expressive face she had._ Really, one would have thought years and years of being a shinobi across two lifetimes would have helped with that, but alas… “He wrote about me…” she said softly, thinking of kind, dark eyes and creases around his mouth from where he had smiled too much, thinking the shadows would hide that expression more often than they actually did. “Only good things, I hope,” she added, praying he hadn’t written anything too suspicious.

_She didn’t want them to hate her – not people who Fainbarad knew and liked enough to send letter to._ The thought of earning their ire made a bad taste settle on her tongue. It helped she had already sworn to try and right some of the wrongs she had committed against the free folk of Arda. _Not that she would ever be able to do enough._

“He spoke of your skills, both combat and navigational,” Aravir said, ignoring the curious look of the younger man beside him as he glanced between the pair of them. “He claimed he would vouch for you, despite your… dubious background…”

Sakura blinked. “Vouch for me? For what? To whom?” she enquired, heart feeling slightly lighter at the admission. _Maybe he would have accepted her despite… that…_ Sakura mentally shook her head. _That was a stupid, foolishly hopeful thought._ One she would never have an answer for.

“Fainbarad told of your search… for a place unto which you could belong…”

She swallowed then, thickly. She was lost, adrift in a world she had once tried to destroy, and she had no clue of what to do.

“And given…” Aravir said, trailing off, gesturing at the destruction around them. “Given the fate which has befallen one of my oldest, and most loyal friends… I failed to warn him of the threat which approached, and I failed to reach this place in time to prevent this tragedy…”

“What of it?” Sakura questioned, hands balling into fists once more. _She was the one who had truly failed the couple who had practically adopted her in all but name. She could have saved them…_ She wanted to scream, and she wanted to go back and shove her weepy self out of the alcove behind the waterfall. But she couldn’t. Just like she couldn’t go back and change any of her actions in her multiple lifetimes.

“I owed Fainbarad a great debt,” he continued, arms folded against his chest. “I think I shall repay that debt through you…”

* * *

She followed him.

_What else was there for her to do?_ There was nothing left behind her, only death, destruction, and a minefield of memories best left untouched. She had to move on, had to carve out yet another new place for her in that strange, sad, all too familiar world. _Besides, he was Fainbarad’s chieftain._ Sakura thought that was a good enough reason to place a margin of trust in him. Fainbarad had told her plenty of his adventurous tales, and they had painted Aravir in a decent enough light. It wasn’t like she couldn’t take care of herself, if worst came to worst.

“You were incredibly lucky,” Aravir remarked, having finished introducing her to the two others who had accompanied him and the boy – Aradan. _Technically he was classed as an adult, but compared to the number of years Sakura had weathered…_ It was safe to say she was undoubtedly the eldest of the lot, in spirit and mind, if not in body. “To be out of the village when that dragon passed through.”

Sakura grimaced. “I should have been there,” she muttered. _She could have protected them, no matter…_ She bit down on her lip, relishing the sharp bite of pain which seemed to pull her out of her whirl tide of thoughts.

“There is nothing you could have done,” he said, cutting her off before she could get another word out. “I know Fainbarad would have been glad to learn you survived, and Gilithien even more so…”

She looked away determinedly. _She didn’t want him to see the tears which had always been threatening to fall._ Sakura always preferred to lick her wounds in peace and private. “How did you know it was coming?” she asked, determined to steer the topic of conversation away from picking at the raw wounds in her psyche which had yet to heal.

“That _creature…_ We had been investigating a series of attacks, and we had no notion that the being we would be facing was a dragon,” he said, sighing deeply as they sat around a crackling fire. “Fortunately, the elves were there to warn and aid us…”

Sakura stiffened at the mention of them. _She had been doing a very good job of avoiding any contact with her soulmate’s kin for the past years she’d been there._ She prayed she wasn’t about to break that streak. There was no way she was even remotely ready to face the ones she had terrorised the most. “How fortunate,” she mumbled, silently reminding herself she needed to collect one of her drop bags she had stashed around the forest in case of emergency.

She had really hoped she’d never have to use them, but life was rarely so kind to her.

Closing her eyes, she leant back against the nearest tree, appreciating the momentarily stillness of the small clearing they had gathered in. There was a fire crackling, sheltered by the rocks which jutted out of the earth on the incline on one side of their temporary base. Rain had stopped falling, sunlight peeking out from behind the clouds even as far west as it was.

Sakura preferred the light of the moon. _The darkness of night was where the monsters lurked._ Sunlight felt as though it ought to burn her to a crisp.

Her ears itched then, chakra pulsing through them in an instant, green eyes snapping open when they heard the soft tread on the grass. _Footsteps._ Ones which were approaching them. Her hands curled into fists then, body tensing as every rustle and practically inaudible crunch. _They were light. Far lighter than Fainbarad—Aravir’s footsteps._

“Aravir.”

Sakura froze at the soft lilting voice which seemed to come out of nowhere. Aradan and the other two relaxed at the sound, but Sakura remained rigid even as Aravir stood to greet their newest guest. _The universe despised her,_ Sakura decided right then and there, _and it was probably justified in its hatred._ Why else would their apparent visitor be of elven kind otherwise?

Gold.

That was the first colour she saw, and Sakura repressed the part of her nature which saw the golden locks and made grabby hands. _Stupid instincts._ Her lip curled, and silently, she took in the armoured visage before her. Fine engravings on pieces of _his_ armour – because their visitor was undoubtedly of the masculine persuasion, no matter what the hair suggested – told her his status was elevated amongst his kin. _Madara had been pretty in a horrifying way, and he’d had long hair. Hashirama had worn the long locks well too._ But that was enough musings on her past lives, or so Sakura told herself. She didn’t want to get caught up in the memories of her sole life in the world before.

Vaguely, Sakura had the sudden urge to vomit, her stomach feeling as though it were constricting far more than what was healthy. _Fainbarad was dead. Gilithien was dead. The villagers were dead. Her once-home had been burnt to cinders. Not to mention she had just encountered an elf._ It was _not_ a good day for her. In fact, she had no idea how that day could get worse.

“Lothien!” Aravir called, and Sakura blinked, climbing to her feet as she realised she was going to be introduced to the obnoxiously golden elf as the most recent addition to their merry band of travelling Rangers on a dragon hunt. “This is Lord Glorfindel who hails from—”

_Glorfindel._

She blinked, barely able to meet those grey eyes which almost seemed to bore into her very soul and see that which she wanted so desperately to hide. His hand was moving, _possibly for a handshake, or whatever elves did in greeting,_ but that didn’t detract from the undeniable fact set before her. She felt her stomach wring itself as it dropped to her toes like a stone thrown in the ocean, because—

Her soulmate was standing before her.

Sakura wasted no time in vomiting on his boots.


	6. 'cause all the hate you ever spewed

_She threw up on her soulmate’s boots. She threw up on her soulmate’s boots. She threw up on her soulmate’s boots. She HAD thrown up on her soulmate’s boots—_

Sakura whimpered, head pounding as she skulked in the bushes around their recently relocated campsite. They were now apparently sharing with the elves who had apparently joined them in their apparent quest to slay the dragon which had ruined her home. _Really, she wanted to crush the dragon into itty bitty pieces, possibly with a side of pyrotechnics._ But she had self-control. Added to the fact that her _soulmate_ was there in person…

It was safe to say her stomach was a mess, and her thoughts were worse. Aravir was seemingly saving her some of the rations from what she could tell from her perch, and dimly, some small part of her was extremely grateful to the man. Another part of her cursed her misfortune, because he had brought her into contact with _elves._ With her soulmate himself.

He probably hated her, what with how she’d upchucked the contents of her stomach onto his pristine boots. She definitely deserved it. He couldn’t love her. He probably would never be able to. After what she had done, how many lives she had taken… Her stomach rolled yet again, and Sakura hid herself amidst the branches of the tree she had climbed up to escape the hubbub below.

Glorfindel had vanished at some point – what for, Sakura hadn’t the slightest idea. She tried to convince herself she didn’t care about him. She couldn’t. He would never be hers, no matter how much she wanted to claim him as such. _And sleep atop him as dragons were wont to do with their hoards._ Her skin wanted to roll, change, and Sakura was careful to keep herself from looking towards the camp in case her eyes were doing something funny. _Like turning reptilian in nature. Like turning into a dragon’s eyes._ Those were what would give her away, and Sakura had no desire to be ousted. Especially not when they were going off to hunt and slay one of her kin.

Besides, there had been a hint of worry in those unfathomable grey eyes upon her divulging the contents of her stomach on his footwear. Sakura was selfish. She didn’t want that worry to turn into pure hatred. She was anything but clueless as to the elves’ hatred of all things Melkor. _And Sauron now, too._

She deserved it.

It didn’t mean she wanted it. _She had never asked for it – never asked for her soul to be the one plucked from its natural course and twisted into something it wasn’t meant to be._ But what was done was done, and there was no going back from that. She was a skin-changer. She was a dragon. She couldn’t call herself human anymore.

It wasn’t as though anyone had outright asked her whether or not she was human. Whether or not she could call herself one of the _edain._ So technically she hadn’t lied to them. They had just assumed she wasn’t a monster, because her form so closely resembled them. _A wolf in sheep’s clothing._ Sakura wrapped her arms around herself.

Her stomach twisted, and Sakura jumped down from the tree she had claimed in order to find the nearest river and splash her face with it. As much as she would have loved to dunk her head in, sadly she didn’t want to have to find the time to reapply the coating covering her horribly pink locks. She had limited supply now, and she would probably have to make some more as soon as she was able. _That was right. It was better to think of doing mundane things like that than worrying about her soulmate._ She could avoid him easily enough. She had already troubled him enough by vomiting on his boots.

Sighing softly, she wandered towards the sounds of water she could hear, chakra coating her feet as she did so. _She didn’t particularly want to encounter any nosy, but well-meaning elves._ It was fairly well noted she had thrown up on their leader’s shoes, and Sakura had to deal with many a looks of pity and disgust being thrown her way.

No doubt some of them were glad it hadn’t been their shoes she had thrown up on.

Rather than reaching a river, she found herself on the shores of a lake. Falling to her knees, she splashed at her face, still hating the green eyes which all but shone from beneath the cover of her darkly dyed hair. She hated every reflection of herself. _Wolf in sheep’s clothing._ But Sakura didn’t want to be a wolf anymore.

A bark of laughter escaped her then. “But at least today can’t get any worse,” she said, smiling thinly. _A fake smile._

Water splashed then, but the sound wasn’t of her making, a prelude to the universe deciding to pull another one on her, and Sakura stiffened, finally noting the set of clothing at her side. _Elven clothing._ With a set of vomit-clad boots. She sat bolt upright then, freezing as she spotted the wet golden hair tucked over one shoulder, revealing an unclad back which soon enough vanished into the waters beneath. _Her soulmate was bathing,_ and he had noticed her presence, if the grey eyes which were now fixed on her were any indication. _Not surprising given elven hearing was apparently better than her unenhanced own._

“Of course it can get worse,” she said. “Why did I even say that…” Sakura rolled her eyes then, averting her gaze as she collected herself to find another spot in which to clean herself up in. “No,” she muttered, standing then, but part of her brain clearly wasn’t working correctly, or so she figured as she plucked the vomit-clad boots off the ground. “I am not dealing with this,” she continued, walking away then, part of her having made up its mind to clean those boots. _Because she didn’t want to stare at the evidence of her shame._

Also, she needed something to do to keep her mind off _him._

Off of the soulmark emblazoned across his back in inky black lettering. The script of that world. Sindarin. But the name written on there was anything but pretty. The name which shamed her very soul. _She wished she had never borne it._

Cleaning his boots was an excellent way to keep her thoughts on safe topics, as well as a method to redeem the horrible first impression she had made on him. _Maybe she could get them to friendly acquaintances?_ Sakura tilted her head, humming quietly to keep the snide voice which wanted to speak silent. She didn’t need to think on it. _What would happen would happen…_ All she could do was try not to make things any worse than they were.

That was a good enough of a goal to go off, Sakura decided, plucking her softest brush and cloth to clean her soulmate’s boots with. They were nice quality too. _Though her sandals were better… not that she really wore those anymore._ Boots were the most common footwear there, as opposed to the many sandals of the Elemental Nations.

It was little things like that which reminded her how far away from the home of her first life was. _The home Uchiha Sasuke had all but ensured she would never find again._ There was no point in crying over it. Her hands clenched on her makeshift cleaning equipment. _No point in the slightest._

“I can’t undo what has been done,” she mumbled to the moon above her. _It’s light was so pretty._ Rarely had she seen the sight in that world, and it was far more beautiful than that of the Elemental Nations. _It didn’t have an Ootsutsuki Kaguya sealed in it, for one._

Wind whistled through the trees, and Sakura sighed as the scent of the forest around her filled her. She didn’t quite understand why she had once wanted to burn the pretty things down. _Oh, because Konoha._ But she remembered a different Konoha now too. One which hadn’t shunned her. One she had loved along with a whiskered blonde. One who had probably forgiven her murderer.

Sakura chuckled at the thought. _She was just a monster._ He probably deserved to be celebrated. _He’d shown them all her true colours – what she would do, given the right motivations._ Naruto would have been disgusted. Tears built, vision blurring as she rubbed her eyes dry with her sleeve. She would never forget those blue eyes which had only held approval when Sasuke had blasted through her heart a second time.

Her hands curled into fists, knuckles white as a sheet as she tried to lock that memory away. _They were so different to the azure eyes which had once only held warmth for her._ Grey eyes cropped up in her memory then, concern dwelling deep within their depths, and Sakura shook her head then. Her eyes flickered over to the clean boots she had borrowed. _He probably needed them back._

She just needed to give them back and apologise for vomiting on his boots. _Maybe then she could strike up a conversation._ Laughter sounded in the back of her head then, scornful and mocking in nature.

“Now or never,” she murmured, finding the courage and strength within herself to climb to her feet once more. Her legs moved languidly, heart pounding in her chest as she wandered back to where he had been bathing. _She could just leave them with his clothes… then the apology could be postponed until he was back at camp._ She nodded to herself then. _It sounded like a decent plan._

But his clothes were no longer at the lakeside. Nor was he. _Back at camp then… and he’d probably walked back barefoot._ She had inconvenienced him once again. Sakura smiled sadly. _She always was just that – an inconvenience._ She could still remember her early genin days from lifetime number one.

Fire flickered in the distance, and with each step she took, her heart sunk that much closer to her toes. She didn’t want to be anywhere near there. _But she needed to make it up to the free folk of Arda._ Sakura clenched her teeth, ignoring the unease in her stomach as she made her way towards the light. _Making her way towards the light…_ She almost snorted at the thought. _How apt it was…_ Sighing, Sakura tightened her grip on his boots, her grip knuckle-white as she heard the hum of conversation.

Sucking in a deep breath, she pushed her way through the undergrowth, noting her soulmate’s position out of the corner of her eye. _No hesitation._ Sakura felt her eyes narrow. _She was a shinobi, and those didn’t show terror in the face of fear and uncertainty._ She could hear her own footsteps, far too noisy or so it seemed as she let go of the boots as she walked past where he sat, barefoot. Her lips wouldn’t move, weighed down by her past actions, and no sound deigned to escape them, and then her feet were already carrying her away. _Towards the safety of the nearest tree branches, which she leapt up into with a feline grace._

Sakura closed her eyes then, curling up on the branch she had chosen to set up her bedding on, safe from prying eyes and uncomfortable stares—

Shivers ran down her spine then, green eyes flickering open, body tensing as she caught sight of those grey eyes staring up at her curiously. There might have been a flicker of amusement in their depths too. _But that was probably just her imagination._

She screwed her eyes shut, blocking out the world, striving to keep her morose thoughts locked away as she tried to get some sleep. _Peaceful sleep would have been nice._ But Sakura already knew the likelihood of her dreams being peaceful.

Fire, blood, lightning, war, and death.

She had seen them all. Experienced them all.

They didn’t make for peaceful, relaxing dreams. _Not in the slightest._ And that was what she dreamt of – land being marred by flame and war. So even as the world shifted about her, night becoming day, blue sky above, birds singing in welcome to the new day, Sakura remained as she was – irritable, terrified, and wishing yesterday had never happened.

Her stomach was still tied in knots, and she had wanted nothing more than to run away and scream. _But she was trying not to be a coward._ At the very least, she had to face up to her numerous sins there, especially if she wasn’t about to go and announce how much everyone was supposed to hate her.

She wasn’t that brave. _Though she had been gathering her wits to tell Fainbarad._ A snort left her. _Not that it mattered anymore, and she had a blasted dragon to blame for that._ She turned her thoughts away from that territory as quickly as possible, hating the snide voice which whispered, _“Your fault.”_ It rang around in her brain like it was played on repeat. _She didn’t want to feel the pain which accompanied the loss._

Sighing quietly, she leapt down from her perch of safety, landing on the fluffy green grass without a whisper of noise.

“Lothien—” Aravir began.

“My apologies, Aravir,” Glorfindel spoke then, having moved to join them. _Sakura hated the grey eyes which kept on flickering over to her._ “But I would very much like to have a word with your young companion here.”

Sakura barely supressed the urge to vomit on his boots. _Again._


	7. my heart is like a hand grenade

Sakura gritted her teeth, heart fluttering like the beat of a hummingbird’s wings. Her hands felt clammy, nervousness overwhelming her as she followed her soulmate into the forest. _What was he leading her away for?_ She chewed on her lip then, fingers twitching as she fought against the instincts to run away and hide somewhere he couldn’t find her. Never had she wanted to disappear as much as she did in that moment. _Did he know?_ She swallowed thickly, throat dry as one of Suna’s deserts. _Was he taking her away to dispose of her? To make her pay for her crimes against his kin long past? To ensure she couldn’t harm anyone else?_

Her hands shook then, and Sakura could barely bring herself to continue following him. She had to though, and that was what kept her legs moving as Glorfindel led her someplace quiet. “Where?” That was the only word she managed to force from her lips, and Sakura hated how small her voice sounded in that instant. She hated sounding weak. She hated being weak too, but she had been strong. Far too strong, for far too long.

“Forgive me,” Glorfindel spoke then, turning to face her then, casting a slightly wary glance at the camp some way away. “But I do not wish to be overheard.”

She blinked. _He was worried about being overheard—_

“Last night, I believe you inadvertently caught a glimpse of my soulmark,” he began, and Sakura felt the realisation click. It was closely followed by her stomach feeling as though it had dropped to her toes. _Because it was proof that he was ashamed – that he hated his soulmark, and the one who it bound him too._ Her. Not that he seemed to realise it, and for that Sakura was so very grateful. She didn’t want those grey eyes to stare at her coldly, not that she didn’t deserve it. _She was just cowardly and selfish like that._ “Given the expression you wear, it seems safe to assume you know why I would wish of you not to speak of it to anyone, my lady,” he continued, like each word didn’t stab a knife into her heart and twist the blade viciously. _It hurt because of a stupid thing called hope – whose flame was swiftly being doused._

Sakura blinked again then, nodding sharply. “I’m no lady, but you have my word,” she mumbled, backing away from further heartache then as quickly as possible, turning on her heel to hurry back to camp, cutting off any chance of further conversation.

She could feel his eyes on her the entire time.

They bore into her like knives, painful and piercing. He had said his piece, _so why was he watching her go?_ She swallowed thickly, her entire body relaxing as soon as she felt that gaze vanish from her back. _She despised the curl of hope which welled up in her gut – that he might look past her bloodied history…_ Sakura shook her head. It wouldn’t do to dwell on fanciful delusions of what the future could look like. _She wouldn’t covert that which she could never have. What she never deserved to have._ She had bigger things to worry about.

Like trying to earn some redemption, and Sakura had no doubts it would be a horrendous task but aiding in the slaying of a dragon would help with that. Or so she assumed.

Not that it would be an easy task, even for her. Though admittedly she would be in a better position, given her history. Unlike the men there, she would be more sensitive, more familiar with any songs the dragon sung, and she would be unlikely to be seduced by the poisonous tongue. Though she believed there was a _singer_ there amongst the elves. A sorcerer, as the men would call it. An enchanter.

It only made sense to bring one along if going to confront a dragon, lest the ones under command were too weak of will and succumbed to the dragon’s temptation. Sakura knew too well how lovely the temptation could look, especially if the dragon knew one’s weaknesses. _Or their name._ There was power there, and Sakura understood that more than she ought to. _If she were truly of Numenor, that was._

But she wasn’t.

She wasn’t even human anymore, and Sakura didn’t quite know what to make of that. She wasn’t good, but she didn’t want to be evil. _Truly, she doubted she could ever be considered a force of ‘good’ and righteousness in that world._ The stain she left was too dark and too large to wash out. _But maybe she could lighten it a bit?_

Sakura almost snorted in laughter. _There was that Eru-forsaken hope which refused to die, because she was an idiot and a romantic at heart._ Not that there would be any romance in her future. She stared glumly at the ground, willing herself not to stare at the golden locks belonging to her soulmate. It was like her eyes wanted to follow him of their own free accord, which they, for the record, did not.

She couldn’t covet that which she could never had. It would only come back around to bite her in the backside when she least expected it. Her last life had proven that much, rather painfully too. Sakura had little desire to experience that pain again. _Though either way, she knew something was going to hurt, and it would hurt badly._

Wind rustled through the trees, carrying with it a faint music too quiet and weak to ensnare anyone just yet. A melody she knew Aravir and his men would be unable to truly perceive. Not the way she or the elves could, aware of their soul, their fëa, as they were – it was how they, and she, could perform feats that the men would call _magic_ for lack of a better description or understanding. The dragon who’d destroyed her home there was already settling there, subverting the forces of nature within the forest, and bending it to its whims. Her eyes narrowed into thin slits. _They needed to move, and quickly so._ The longer the beast remained there, the stronger its voice would become, and the harder it would be to defeat. Well, if she wanted to do as such without changing skins. Sakura didn’t want to change skins again. She didn’t want to wear that form ever again.

_Even if she’d be able to crush the dragon underfoot. Even if she could protect all of the people currently around her._

She was a coward, plain and simple. She didn’t want any of them to see her shame. What she was capable of. What she had done. She was too recognisable, and her human form was her only defence against that. _The only thing which stopped him from despising her before he understood her._ No one in those lands had a story quite like the one she had lived through.

She was unique in that sense.

Sakura hated it.

“Are you packed and ready?” Aravir’s voice made her pause, and she blinked then, glancing down at her readied pack. “It will be quite some distance to travel, I believe, if we wish to find the beast’s lair.”

Sakura nodded sharply, not trusting in her voice. She didn’t want to speak – didn’t want to do anything which might attract _his_ attention. She was better off fading into the background, being invisible. It was better that way. Easier. It didn’t make her heart ache or anything of the sorts.

“Aravir!”

_Speaking of him…_ Sakura closed her eyes, tension flooding her body when Glorfindel hurried over to her new companion. _Leader?_ Sakura wasn’t really sure what Aravir was to her. He wasn’t the same as Fainbarad nor Gilithien. _She missed them._ She turned her thoughts astray before she wound up pulled into that cesspool of loathing and hatred towards herself.

“Are you certain you and your companions are up for this?” Glorfindel asked, grey eyes narrowed, something akin to worry or concern hidden within their depths. “Men have always tended to be… more susceptible on the whole, when it comes to the temptations and songs of dragons.” Those eyes flickered over to her, and Sakura resisted the urge to snarl – that was the other, non-human part of her speaking. She wasn’t going to fall to the poisonous tongues of her kin.

It would be even more embarrassing and shameful if she did.

“Aradan.” Aravir turned then, looking at the youngest of his number. “You and Esteladan will not accompany us,” he said, looking at the youngest man and an older fellow, whose hair was already streaked with grey. His eyes flickered over to her then, and Sakura set her jaw. _She was coming with them._ “I do not suppose I can persuade you to join them, can I, Lothien?”

Sakura shook her head. “I’m going with you,” she said, cold steel infusing her very voice. _That dragon was going to pay._ It had destroyed her life there, and Sakura knew a large part of her wanted to see if suffer. It was the ugliest part of her which desired it so. _The dragon was simply going to be part of her redemption. It didn’t need to suffer. It just needed to be put down._ What better way was there to declare which side she was now on than by slaying one of her old kin?

She was going to live as a human. Sure, it was going to be as an unaging human, but that was going to be her nature all the same. She refused to follow Melkor’s whisperings. She refused to build upon the legacy which he had seemingly left the world.

She was going to be her own person.

_Are you now?_ that snide voice spoke up again from the depths of her mind. _How adorable? It’s like you think you didn’t choose to burn the world…_ Sakura clenched her fists, knuckles white as she listened to that mocking voice which represented all her self-doubt and insecurities. It wasn’t like _Inner_ had been. _Inner_ had been an actual consciousness separate to her own, one which had since merged with her. _Because you deserved each other._

The new voice on the other hand… Sakura gritted her teeth, watching as Glorfindel rallied a slightly smaller group around him.

It only made sense to reduce numbers – to ensure only those with a relatively strong will came along. Anyone who succumbed to the temptation, anyone who became ensnared by the sweet, deceptive music of the dragon would only weigh them down. _And if they were too tangled up…_ Sakura closed her eyes, praying that both Aravir or his only remaining companion didn’t get caught.

Elves, Sakura knew, could survive for a while under the spell of a dragon, but men would die that much more quickly – before they could kill the beast who had ensnared them and free them from its clutches. Though Sakura wasn’t entirely sure a quick death wouldn’t be preferable. She knew how cruel the torment of dragons could be. Scars of it would remain forever, though they might fade over time with peace and happiness. _At least that’s how scars of the mind were supposed to be aided._

Sakura couldn’t help but wonder where they were for her. She closed her eyes. _Her acrid green eyes._ They moved even beneath her closed lids, and Sakura almost knew what they had been drawn to before she reopened them. Of course it was going to be _him._ The false hope in her chest had a lot riding on him.

It would be crushed down soon enough, Sakura knew. _But maybe until then, her eyes could follow him._ A wistful sigh escaped her then. _Maybe somewhere, in another place, another time, they would have been able to be together in any way they wished to…_ Sakura smiled. _But not that time._

“We will be heading out shortly,” Aravir informed her then, and Sakura could only cast a glance towards the depths of the forest they would soon be venturing into. “Steel yourself, Lothien. I do not wish for you to fall to the temptations of a fell beast before I have been able to pay back the debt I owe Fainbarad.”

Sakura chuckled then, a bleak, humourless sound. “It would take a lot to bring me down, Aravir,” she said, green eyes glaring towards the source of the sweet whispers she could hear which would only grow thicker in the air around them when they ventured in. “Besides, we are fortunate the dragon has only recently settled into the woods around these parts… It takes quite a long time for beasts such as this one to subvert and twist the nature around them…”

A soft sound of surprise made her stiffen, her attention having been so fixated on Aravir and the looming forest between them and what they hunted that she had missed Glorfindel’s near silent approach. Elves had always been uncannily light on their feet. Something she would have to pay more attention to, given how she didn’t particularly want to be startled. That was never a good thing when it came to shinobi and hair-trigger reflexes. She was still a shinobi, no matter the fact she was no longer in the Elemental Nations. “Forgive me, my lady,” _he_ said, something akin to mirth lining his voice – _Sakura didn’t understand how he could be so cheery around her._ “It would appear I have underestimated you so… I had not the slightest inclination that one of our number would be so knowledgeable of dragons.”

She shifted on her feet then, beyond uncomfortable, because her soulmate was the last person whom she wanted to discuss _dragons_ with. “I am… well learned of certain parts of the lore of the First Age. It just so happens that _dragons_ happen to fall under the purview of that which I am most knowledgeable of,” she said, praying it didn’t sound as much of an excuse to him as it did her own ears. _She felt as though she were practically screaming ‘I’m a dragon’._

“You must have had a good tutor, then,” Glorfindel remarked, and Sakura couldn’t help the dark smirk which curled at her lips. _If only he knew…_

“The best,” she muttered, _because really, how better to learn of a dragon’s strengths and weaknesses than from her own body and the words of the one who had created them. Who had twisted them into what they were._ She doubted even elven scholars could compare to the kind of hands-on education she had regarding dragons. Not even those who had fought the creatures before had her level of knowledge.

His brows came together, grey eyes boring into her once again. “I believe I will have to take your word there,” he said, and Sakura felt her smile shift into something softer.

“I suppose you will,” she murmured, because if she had her way, he would never know. He would never know that she was his soulmate. He would never know the monster she could become. The monster she still was.

* * *

Summer had seemingly descended upon them with the might of Tulkas, the very air around them growing humid as they trekked further into the forest. The leaves of the trees were a darker colour, but they were still green. Not the shade of her eyes, thankfully, but if her gaze wasn’t mistaken, then they were paling – turning into that more poisonous colour. The same which she hated with a passion.

The forest was being influenced already, faster than Sakura had expected, which could only mean one thing: it was stronger than she had thought. Not surprising, considering the dragon was one who still breathed flames. Cold Drakes were less powerful than the ones who still breathed flames, whilst in the First Age, the fire-breathers had outnumbered the cold ones. It was an echo of the First Age. A mere remnant of the time which she had once lived in.

Sighing softly, Sakura could only listen to the voice of _Lindion_ , one of the elves who had accompanied Glorfindel. He had the silvery locks unlike the gold of her soulmate, his eyes a bright bluish-grey. _A kind of elf you would have loved to turn to a crisp,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura’s mood soured. How she wished she could shut that voice up… _But it was a culmination of all her insecurities, and something told her things would only grow worse before they became better._ It wasn’t like she could tell the voice to shut up and go away. The voice wouldn’t listen. After all, it wasn’t like insecurities and fears could be overcome so simply.

They were things one persevered through and continued to for the rest of one’s life. Change was ridiculously hard. _But not impossible…_ Sakura exhaled shakily. _Not for you,_ the snide voice chimed, and Sakura loathed it – herself – that much more.

Demons of the mind were so much harder to fight, and she highly suspected slaying a dragon would be infinitely easier.

“Lothien?” Aravir looked at her then.

“I am well. Just thinking on things,” she said then, giving the man a flat look. “Come now, expect a little more from me, would you? I wouldn’t succumb to the temptations of this dragon so easily.”

He huffed then, turning his gaze onto their elven companions as they seemed to walk so calmly before them, trusting in Lindion to buffer the ensnaring song of the dragon which was thick in the air around them already, and they had barely been walking an hour or so. It was… worrying, to say the least.

She was coming to terms with the fact she had misjudged the strength of the tongue poisoning the very earth against them. Her respect for the voice of Lindion only grew from there on – for he kept her and all their companions from the very worst of the honeyed voice which promised them everything _if only they succumbed._ But strength always waned over time, and Sakura could tell of the strain set upon their singer as they stopped briefly for respite in the next suitably sized clearing they found. The signs of exhaustion when it came to elves were surprisingly subtle, but Sakura had lived around shinobi who had thrived off subtlety.

So it came as no surprise when another of their companion’s joined their voice with his, fortifying the sweet music which always came from the beings Sakura had once waged war against. She pushed the shame and loathing to one side, knowing she had to remain strong, lest the dragon spy an opportunity.

While she might have been less likely to succumb to the songs of her kin, that poisonous voice and its owner could easily pry away the concealment she had lain upon that part of herself… and if the dragon discovered her true nature…

Sakura set her jaw, scowling moments later as the buzzing of little bugs and other flies around her and her companions filled her ears. “Stupid wildlife,” she muttered, not daring to roll her sleeves back, lest the little blighters of the forest mistake her for a midday snack.

Aravir only chuckled, and the sound made her want to snarl. _She was so much older than him, even if she didn’t appear it in body._ Dragons lived a long time – none, she believed, had actually ever died of old age, if that were even indeed possible. Though, really, Sakura hoped to live a long life there. She was tired of being killed. Tired of being slain.

Though she supposed that was what she got, for being a dragon. Her eyes caught sight of those blonde locks again, that greedy, hoarding part of her nature wanting to claim them for herself. _She refused to give in to that part of herself. Change was needed from the monstrosity she had always been._ Her gaze was always drawn to him, like a magnet. Her eyes followed him, drawn to him unconsciously whenever he was in front of her… _or just within her general vicinity._

It felt as though there were some sort of growth in her chest whenever she looked at him, and it squeezed at her heart. _You’ll never have him,_ the voice reminded, and she turned away, vowing to keep her thoughts off him until the dragon had been dealt with.

The last thing she needed were weak spots, and loathe she admit it, Glorfindel was a glaring one for her.

So onwards she ventured, striding forwards with her head held high, even as the all too familiar voice in the air around her grew thicker. She could almost hear the trees screaming as they were twisted, their roots no longer welcoming places to curl between and sleep. Instead, they were darkening, _warping,_ into thirsty, unnatural things which called for the blood of men and elves.

Sakura felt herself frown, years of old instincts stirring as they continued their walking. They had been walking for hours, through muddying ground, darkening trees, and rivers which were running that much more sharply. _Dangerous, if one were to lose their footing as such._ She drew her dagger then, ignoring Aravir’s sharp, startled glance as she hacked a cross symbol into the nearest tree, green eyes narrowed into little flints as she did so quickly and quietly.

“What exactly was that?” he asked, and Sakura only raised an eyebrow.

“A hunch.”


	8. pull the pin and detonate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK... 
> 
> So, while I understand why Glorfindel is getting some hate, know this - in the LOTR verse, there's no such thing as a good dragon. They all served Morgoth, the one who twisted them into what they were, and were just generally horrible beings. Glaurung - the Father of Dragons was behind most of the tragedies which plagued the Children of Hurin. 
> 
> Bear in mind Glorfindel has grown up, knowing his soulmate is a servant of the enemy. He has no idea about Sakura's history - it wouldn't even occur to him that she could have come from another world, nor that she has a history beyond being a dragon. The matter of his soulmate is well known amongst some elves (because gossip - though he doesn't want anyone else to really know of his soulmark because in his eyes it's shameful), meaning he's basically grown up with a huge chip on his shoulder. He's been pitied, somewhat reviled as a child before he grew up into the warrior he is, as well as other things. 
> 
> Additionally, there were dragons (at least one, I believe) present when Gondolin fell. They brought Morgoth's armies to Gondolin, so it stands to reason he holds a grudge against dragons, and doesn't quite understand why he's got one as his soulmate (some form of punishment?) nor that Sakura has 'unique' circumstances.
> 
> Just thought I'd explain because I doubt, unlike 'The Weight of Shadows' (Glorfindel's POV practically forced itself as well as writing itself there), that we'll be seeing things from his persepective.
> 
> And let's not forget this is entirely from a very angsty (I'm horrible and evil and don't deserve anything except hatred) Sakura's POV, meaning she may perceive his actions differently to how they're intended.

Even dragons had to rest, Sakura knew that fact well, so when the voice at the very edge of her consciousness, teasing and tempting, faded, she assumed they would be safe for the next couple of hours. She knew a dragon’s sleeping schedule better than any. Though speaking of a _dragon’s_ sleeping schedule, she knew both she, Aravir, and their other human companion would need to rest. Lindion too, lest he begin to fade under the might of the being they hunted.

Night had fallen by then, the moon high up in the sky, concealed by a haze of cloud along with the majority of the stars. Sakura took that to be all ill omen. She knew how much the elves loved those little lights in the sky above. Melkor had hated them, loathed the one who had set them up in the sky. There had been a reason his den had a permanent covering of ash and cloud to bar the sight of the sky.

Sakura thought they were quite beautiful, though she had never said a word about it, because she didn’t want to be hated. She wanted to be loved. Not that it had ever happened. Not that it would ever happen.

Besides, it wasn’t like beauty had mattered in her anger. Nothing really had aside from the need to burn and raze. Humming to herself, she kept up with the rest of the company, a tired smile pulling at her lips when they came to a rest in the next sizable spot within the confines of the forest. “We will be camping here,” Aravir informed her then, and Sakura nodded in acknowledgement. “Rest well. It will be another arduous day of walking on the morrow.”

“I will,” Sakura murmured, pulling out her pack and supplies as preparations for supper were made. There was no need for hunting – their supplies of food already brought, whether it was dried meats or some sort of elven bread which was being shared. Some found its way to her, and she chewed on her allotted portion mindlessly. _It wasn’t terrible, but it was rather… tasteless to say the least. Well, to her own taste buds – Aravir looked all too happy to eat the stuff._ Sakura was hoping they would find the accursed dragon before she grew fed up with the rations, but something told her she wouldn’t be that lucky. She never was.

Curling up atop her meagre bedding, hunger sated, pack beneath her head as some sort of makeshift pillow, she closed her eyes, shutting the rest of the world out as she plunged into the world of her dreams. _Horrid, twisted things, which would only be made that much worse by her situation._ She didn’t want to listen as the elves conversed over her head, whispering of strategy, fear, and the excitement which came with being there to hunt a beast from tales of old. She didn’t want to watch the elves drift into that odd waking-sleep only they were capable of. She wanted to sleep – sleep and find respite from her memories and all the pain they brought.

And sleep she did.

But she dreamt of fires on the battle plains, of the large shadow she cast as she swept through the skies, unleashing a deluge of fire upon the burning ground. She dreamt of a door, the scrape of nails against the wood ringing out as a voice pleaded with her _to let them in._ She dreamt of shadows and formless figures who whispered and whispered. One word. Her name. Over and over again, like a chant. _A curse._ And she just wanted them to—

“Shut up!” she hissed, blinking as she met Aravir’s eyes, hands dropping from where they had been reaching for him like the taloned claws she had once possessed.

“Lothien?” Concern rang true in his eyes, and Sakura slammed a hand over her own, fearing as to their state. She hardly wanted Aravir to see her eyes either glowing, _or with a slitted pupil akin to that of the being which they hunted._

“Bad dream,” she muttered by way of explanation, hoping she wouldn’t see the concern she didn’t deserve when she pulled her hand away from her eyes. _She’d lift it away in a few minutes, after she had calmed down, of course._ After she was sure her eyes didn’t look as ugly as they once had. “Apologies if I worried you.”

A sigh rent the air then, and Aravir sat back on his haunches, fingers steepled beneath his chin and Sakura finally sat up, satisfied her eyes were normal, and any lingering traces of the dragon’s song had long since vanished from her mind. “Lindion woke me,” he said then, closing his eyes as he rested back against the blackened tree. _The entire forest was darkening, a sickness coming to linger within it as the dragon continued its destruction of the landscape around them. Of everything beautiful and good._

_And you would know everything about that,_ the snide voice in her mind whispered. Sakura shook her head, shaking those mocking words away, focusing instead on Aravir’s grim expression. Her eyes narrowed, and she _knew._ “Who…?” the word was whispered. “Who did we lose?”

“Gimilroth,” he said, and Sakura frowned, knowing in an instant who that was – it was Adunaic, a remnant of the language spoken in Numenor before it vanished into the sea. There was only one among their number who would have such a name – a naming style no doubt passed down in the family for one reason or another, given how it was considered to be a remnant of the rebellious numenorean kings who had turned upon the Valar and brought wrath down upon themselves. “He was a good man…”

“I don’t doubt it,” Sakura murmured. _He was on the side of ‘good’ no matter his name, of course he would embody it as such._

“His heart gave out. Lindion told me it was… swift… a kind ending, as opposed to the suffering the dragon would have otherwise brought on,” Aravir mumbled, and Sakura frowned – realising she and Aravir were now the only two who weren’t elves. _Which was probably why Aravir was being so chatty with her in that instant._ But she wasn’t human. _Edain._ She was kin of the very beast they hunted. The thought had revulsion curling in her belly.

_Truly, she didn’t deserve to be there._ But she was, and she was going to start making amends. She was going to slay the beast. _Or at least make the job easier._ That was why she was there. Why she had volunteered to go with Aravir. Though she supposed it had been less her volunteering, and more of herself forcing her way onto the little quest to slay a dragon. So typical of her nature – being a tad bull-headed that was.

The morning was a sombre one, with little time to even bury the body and conduct funeral rites. The sun’s light felt oddly cold and distant, the trees feeling that much more oppressive as Sakura shivered within her cloak. She just wanted their little quest to be over and done with, and then she’d…

Sakura blinked. _She didn’t have the slightest clue as to what she was going to do after slaying the dragon._ Her eyes drifted towards gold on instinct, and Sakura gritted her teeth, casting off thoughts in that vein. _There was no hope for her there, and the sooner that ridiculous part of her realised that, the better off she would be._ The fact that she could entertain such thoughts… Her shoulders sunk, and she fought against the tears wanting to roll down her cheeks as she stared at the mound they had finished making some half an hour ago. _She needed to cast aside the thought of being loved._ Trying to earn that love, and the fallout from such actions, had only brought her closer to ruin. Even taking her anger out on people so similar to those she had tried to find love from had only brought her bitterness.

The name on her skin was a curse – because it spoke of a love which would never be fulfilled. _Because it gave her accursed hope. Because it whispered to her that his name was written there for a reason, so perhaps he would be able to see past—_

“Come, Lothien.” Aravir placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, unaware of how her instincts urged her to shake off the comforting gesture. “Let us ensure Gimilroth’s sacrifice was not in vain.”

“That’s as good a plan as any,” she murmured, murmuring a silent prayer in the depths of her mind for the fallen man. _Like that’ll do any good._ Sakura turned away, collecting her belongings, and then, with a sombre mood surrounding their company, they ventured further into the forest. The air was thick, each breath bringing the cloying taste of decay to her tongue. Sunlight shone down, but barely made it through the thick canopy of acrid green leaves above her head, and Sakura sucked in a sharp breath as she continued to trudge forwards. She was tired of walking. _Oh so tired,_ and that traitorous part of her brain whispered that it would be so much easier to take to the skies. To shift skins and become a dragon in physical form once more.

Sakura was tired of terrorising the skies though, and she knew her form would only inspire fear rather than hope in all those who saw it. That was the kind of being she was. _It was all she would ever be._ So walking by land it was, even as tedious and tiring as it was.

She paused briefly, leaning to catch her breath against the tree, freezing when she spotted the familiar cross mark scored on the rough bark. “Aravir!” she called, running her fingers over the marks she had made the previous day. There was no way they could be mistaken for anything bar that. The scarring in the bark was too clean. Too sharp.

Hearing the soft thuds of his footfalls behind her, she tapped the tree pointedly, smiling grimly as she heard Aravir’s sharp inhale, followed shortly by a sharp call from one of the rest of their company. _Glorfindel._ Her eyes narrowed into slits, a scowl settling upon her face as she heard the barest sounds of his boot-clad feet. Elves had always been uncannily quiet, and there was never a fact she hated more in that instant. Though perhaps that was back from her lives as a shinobi talking.

“What appears to be the problem here?” he asked, smooth voice ringing out amidst the sudden, almost unnatural quiet. _Or maybe that was just how she perceived him and his voice…?_ Silently, she reminded herself of the dragon, and how she wasn’t allowed to think of her weakness. _Of him, and how he might be able to fix the cracks which had formed in her psyche._

“My hunch was correct,” Sakura said, pointing at the cross mark she had made yesterday. “We have walked in a circle since yesterday, when I made this mark.”

“How fortunate that you did not leave with Aradan,” Aravir murmured. “I doubt we would have realised so soon otherwise.”

“Indeed,” Glorfindel spoke, and Sakura thought about the fact that he was standing far _too close_ to her in that instant. _He smelt nice. Like wildflowers and everything which reminded her of the home she’d once had._ “Though the question now is, what exactly we will do with this?”

“Well…” Sakura chewed on her lip. “The fact that we have been led astray means that either our navigator has failed us or has otherwise been… influenced however slight… or perhaps this might have been done by the trees themselves… ensnared as they are under the dragon’s spell.”

Grey eyes bore into the side of her skull, searching and piercing. “I do believe that I have underestimated your worth once more, Lothien,” he said then. “If you believe the fault to lie with our navigator, would it be asking too much of you if I asked of you to take that role instead?” He tilted his head then, and Sakura barely refrained from wincing under his intense, _heavy,_ stare.

She closed her eyes then, reminding herself of her promise to slay the dragon. _Of starting on the beginning of her path to redemption._ “I will,” she said, nodding sharply. “If you won’t mind my company at the lead of the group, that is.”

“Why would there be a problem with such an arrangement?” he asked, a frown marring his brow.

_Because she was a dragon. Because she was a force of evil. Because her eyes were a disgusting colour of green._ She couldn’t say any of that though, so she was left with the ability to shrug weakly under that intent gaze. _She wanted those eyes to soften – to look at her with a warm fondness._ Silently, she berated herself and her cursed mind for coming up with ridiculously fanciful delusions which would never be fulfilled.

“Come,” Glorfindel said, holding out his hand. Sakura stared at it as though it were a poisonous snake. _That hand would never reach out to her if he knew what sort of a being she really was._ She wouldn’t be able to bear it. _Because it would crush her hope which was already on its last legs… and then Sakura didn’t know what she would be left with, should that happen._ It was why she couldn’t let it happen. _Because like it or not, try or not, she still wanted to be loved._ No matter how fanciful that delusion was.

Sakura hurried past, heedless of the confused look that earnt her from the golden lord who dropped his hand, letting it come to rest back at his side. She walked to the front of the group, ignoring the map of the surrounding lands offered out to her. Instead, she closed her eyes, sending her chakra surging through her, enhancing all her senses bar her touch.

She could hear the sounds of her companions breathing, the rustle of wind as it brushed through the leaves, the song of the dragon, poisonous and sweet, voice as strong as the mountains themselves, but that strength felt brittle to her. _Forced._ She could hear the sound, loud to weak as it drifted far from the source of those whispered promises.

A breath in through her nose brought the scent of rich earth, the sweet cloying scent of death, the clear water trickling through the forest, the last thing mercifully untouched by the poisonous song which spread by the hour. The smell of ash, the remnants of fire, the stench of the slimy secretion on the underbelly of her kin – a scent she knew all too well.

A breath in through her mouth brought the taste of pollen, the tingle of coppery blood, the fiery warmth on her lips from crackling fires which popped and slipped around jagged teeth stained with the drying blood of the forest animals.

Her hand lifted then, eyes snapping open, as she pointed towards the overlap of everything related to her old kin which she had sensed. “This way,” she declared confidently, stepping between the gnarled, twisted tree with nary an ounce of hesitation. She knew the way, and she would lead them to the dragon.

_So they could kill it._

_So she could avenge Fainbarad and Gilithien._

_So she could sate the terrible, possessive, bloodthirsty monster within._

* * *

The voice tugged at the edges of her battered soul, teasing and playful, with an inch of dark curiosity. _What are you?_ It wanted to know. _To guide them through the pitfalls? To find me within the forest I claimed?_ Sakura ignored it, relishing in the strength of Lindion’s voice as he sung – the joyous music urging the voice away. Though she couldn’t deny the voice was growing louder. The sickly sweet song growing in strength with every step they took towards the source. She wouldn’t falter. Not now, not ever.

Nightfall had long since fallen by the time they made camp, the dragon’s voice having faded from the edges of her consciousness as she slumped to the ground. She felt drained, and oddly spent, even as Aravir approached her.

“Are you well?” he asked, and Sakura could see that concern in his eyes. _She hated it._ Her breath escaped her in a quiet sigh. _You shouldn’t be concerned for me,_ she wanted to scream. _Monsters didn’t deserve such a look to be directed their way._

“I am fine,” she grumbled, folding her arms as she slouched against the nearest tree. “You need not worry about me.” _Stop looking at me like that._ Sakura let out a low grumble, gritting her teeth together when Aravir sat himself down next to her.

“You look terribly pale,” he remarked.

Sakura bit down on her tongue to quash the snappy reply she wanted to make. Her tongue, however, couldn’t be quelled when a certain golden elf decided to seat himself on her other side. “He speaks the truth,” Glorfindel said, sounding horribly exuberant still. “You have grown paler as time has gone on, and not without reason I believe.”

“And what would you have me do?” she snapped, irritation roiling in her stomach. _She felt like she was going to vomit again, and she was half tempted to do it on his boots once more if it came to it._ Sakura hated him. Sakura loved him. _No, she loved the chance he represented to her._ She hated how his scent made her want to snuggle into him. She hated how he would never let her do as such. Especially not if he saw his name on her arm. If he saw they were soulmates. If he realised the ugly name which painted his back belonged to her. “Pinch my cheeks to bring some colour into them so you can both feel better about yourselves?” She scoffed then, despising the fact that she was too tired to move, and the fact they were both situated on either side of her, meaning she had nowhere to direct her irritated stare to, other than across from her. _Where one of the elves sat, looking mildly perturbed by the enraged, forceful stare directed her way._

“I would have you rest,” Glorfindel said levelly, and Sakura couldn’t help the hiss which escaped her as his hand froze mere millimetres away from touching her. “My lady—”

“I am _no_ lady,” Sakura snarled. _She was a monster. Monsters weren’t ladies. Dragons shouldn’t be addressed as such._ He needed to hate her, revile her, because that was what she deserved, no matter how much she wanted his comfort and warmth.

“Lothien, then,” he continued, heedless of the way she sat, tense like a coiled snake poised to strike. “Have I done something to offend you?” Grey eyes bore into her then once more, seeking their answers. “You seem terribly agitated by my mere presence alone.”

A ragged breath escaped her then, fire wanting to spit from her throat as rage, annoyance, hatred, and a whole cocktail of negative emotions burst into being as if water had broken through a dam. “I need some air,” she grumbled, limbs all tense like a bowstring ready to snap. She needed to leave. Needed to get some space. Put some distance between her and her soulmate before she did something stupid.

“Lindion will accompany you,” Glorfindel said then, while Aravir just stared at her balefully, concern still ringing true in his eyes. _She hated it so much._

“I do not need a babysitter,” she snapped, teeth bared. They were blunt. So very unlike the razor sharp fangs she had when she shifted into her dragon skin.

Grey eyes narrowed then, the softness in them vanishing, and Sakura relished in that look. _Hate me. Despise me. I don’t deserve you._ “Perhaps you have not realised, but partway through our venture here, the attack upon us all shifted. It changed. The dragon knows it is you who lead us, and you lead us well – we are nearing upon it, and it knows you are the reason for this. It is targeting you specifically now, and to earn the attention of a dragon is not something you may take lightly.”

Sakura barely resisted the urge to laugh. _She was a fucking dragon._ The attention of another wasn’t something which could bother her. She could kill the damned thing so easily if she shed the human façade she wore. _But she wanted to be human. Just like she wanted to be hated. Just like she wanted some sort of redemption, no matter the pain – the utter agony which came along with it._ She deserved it, she knew, even if part of her withered in fear. “Fine,” she spat out, turning to Lindion then who wore an expression of uncertainty. “Come on then.”

“My—Lothien…” Glorfindel’s voice had her turning to face him, even as she stood at the very edge of the clearing – ready to splash her face in the stream some five hundred metres away. “You have not answered my earlier question. Have I done something to earn your ire?”

Her lips split into a vicious, ugly smile then, part of her crying out as poisonous words left her lips. “Yes,” she hissed, acrid, _disgusting,_ green eyes staring right into his grey ones as her tongue lashed out like a knife, delivering the blow with her next words. “You exist.”

* * *

“That was… a cruel thing to say,” Lindion spoke once they were alone, far removed from their makeshift camp for the night, his words ringing through the darkness as she knelt over the river, glaring at her blurred reflection in its depths. “It is not like he can help existing, nor for the whims of yourself.”

Sakura bared her teeth, barely supressing the growl which wanted to rumble from her throat at his words. She knew it was a cruel thing to say. But she was cruel. She was a dragon, and try as she might, change was so hard. It wasn’t as though she could flip a switch and transform from the bitter, evil, jaded creature she was into something fluffy and innocent. She had died three times already, twice to a boy she thought loved her, and another to an elf who had, admittedly, been doing an excellent thing by cutting her down.

“You ought to apologise—”

“In case you cannot read the mood,” Sakura snarled. “I won’t be feeling like doing anything of the sort, so just shut your mouth and let me brood in silence. I don’t need your condescending attitude at this current moment in time, _elf._ ”

Lindion clamped his lips together then, and Sakura could only sigh quietly in the blissful silence which fell. The dragon was resting, and she needed to compartmentalise. She needed to relax and calm down. Being around her soulmate for hours on end had weathered her fragile patience and her wish to be a good person. _Who didn’t snap and snarl. Who didn’t hurt people with her words alone._

She closed her eyes, stiffening as the song floated over to her then, Lindion crying out in alarm at the sudden surge of activity, and in the depths of her mind she saw them – the dragon’s eyes, liquid amber in stark contrast to her acrid, poisonous green. Her eyes slammed open, the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end as she stared at the horrible reptilian eyes glaring back at her from the water’s rippling surface. And she knew then, in that moment. She could hear the sound as grass and dry leaf crunched underfoot, she could feel the unease at the realisation of how quiet it seemed, she could taste it in the air. _Danger_.

“Get back!” she hissed to her companion, careful to keep her dragon’s gaze away from him as she planted a hand on his chest and shoved. Chakra surged, desperation to keep him away – he was good, no matter how angry she was – sending him rolling into the nearest underbrush she had lain eyes on. “Run!” Her voice was barely above a whisper as a tense silence befell them for a matter of minutes.

She saw him finally open his mouth out of the corner of her eye, unaware of what she had sensed bearing down upon them, ready to bark out his own reply to her callous words, the moonlight coming out from behind the clouds at that exact moment, though, made him think better of his actions. It glimmered off scales the colours of rubies, which glittered as they moved, the lumbering body, thicker than any tree trunk settling its tail before her. The flow of the stream was interrupted, blocked off, and smoke curled around her in whispers from behind as she stood there, still as a statue as the dragon finished encircling her, and only her, within the coils of its long body. They looped around her, like some sort of snake. _But dragons were so much more dangerous than mere snakes._

She knew that better than anyone.


	9. sit back and enjoy the show

The rules of conversation when it came to dragons were rather simple: never refuse to answer any of their questions outright – that was a gateway to a messy, fiery death – and never tell them your name or other vital information. One had to speak in riddles when facing a dragon, and preferably avoid looking them in their cold, reptilian eyes which could ensnare those weak of heart so very easily. They could tell truth from lie, though they never lied themselves, whenever they felt generous enough to share information with others.

“You lead them closer…” the rumbling voice filled the air around her, and Sakura felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up on end at the rush of warm air at her back. _A fire-breather indeed._ “Yet you do not succumb to the temptations. Tell me, who might you be to wield such strength?”

Her eyes narrowed, and she didn’t dare to turn around. Not even as every single instinct screamed at her to turn and keep the being who could kill her all too easily in that form _before she could even shift._ It didn’t help that her flesh itself roiled. Shivers rolled down over her skin, part of her very own nature calling her to simply let go of her inhibitions and take to the skies once more wearing those inky black scales of hers again. “A creature who has walked through temptations once before, and a being with many names and faces,” she answered slowly, chakra pulsing through her ears as she sought any sound of movement outside the little bubble of her and her fellow dragon.

Silently, she prayed Lindion had made it back to camp a little ways away and had alerted them as to the danger. She prayed they were on their way to rescue her. _Why would they?_ that snide voice sounded once more. _You’re a monster, a dragon… why would they come to save you from your kin?_ Sakura ground her teeth together, hating the voice as she felt herself being continually prodded and examined for weakness. She could hear the siren’s song, begging her to succumb and let go of her worries. _To forget about her past. To forget about everything._

“Curious,” the dragon spoke, voice reminiscent of a rumbling purr, and Sakura frowned at the dragon’s curiosity. Truly, she would have preferred to encounter a more prideful number of her kin. Those were slightly easier to distract with compliments. Instead, though, she was stuck with a curious dragon who had been intrigued by her and her abilities. Sakura almost huffed out loud. _Such a young dragon…_ Much more carefree than she had been at that age in her second incarnation. Her first incarnation in that world. _Though their so called master was no longer there, so perhaps there was more freedom to be found amongst her kin._ Not that any of them, unlike her, would attempt to walk the path of good. They were bound to his will. Sakura had only escaped that fate by having her soul itself stolen from another place. _A world beyond Arda._ “Tell me then, being of many names and faces, why do you lead the elves? You are greater than them, are you not?”

Sakura felt herself stiffen, wrapping layers of concealment over herself, hiding the horrific mess which was her soul that much deeper within herself. She would never bare it to anyone, especially not another dragon. “Oh mighty dragon,” she said then, inclining her head. “You overestimate me so. I am but a being of trickery and deception too, and such a being would hardly be suited to lead the Firstborn.”

“You do not deny being greater than them, I notice,” the rumbling voice continued, and Sakura didn’t even dare to shift on her feet like she wanted to. It made her so very antsy to have a fire-breathing dragon at her back. Though she could hardly turn around and look it in the eye. It would know from her eyes exactly what she was, and there were elves and a single man hopefully creeping towards their location. It wouldn’t do for the dragon to figure out she was its kin. _Because otherwise it would likely hint towards her nature._ She would deserve the hatred then directed her way, she knew. _She was just too much of a coward to face it._ Sakura wasn’t ready. _She still wanted to be loved._

“That is a matter of opinion, I believe,” Sakura remarked. “How does one define strength in accordance with other’s perceptions? I do not believe my standards would ever match up to that which you use, oh noble one with scales which gleam like rubies.”

“Flattery will not buy you your life,” the dragon spoke, and Sakura could barely conceal the grin – a savage, bloodthirsty thing – which crept across her face. _Of course flattery wouldn’t buy her life. It merely bought her time, padded out her sentences that much more, kept the dragon in as good of a mood as one could keep a dragon in._ It bought her time to make a decision. Time for those she called comrades to come up with a half-decent plan and make their way there. Chakra pulsed in her ears, heart thudding almost audibly as she strained to hear those hopeful sounds.

“Is it not good manners to compliment your host?” Sakura enquired, eyes cracking open as a perilously soft footfall sounded, audible only thanks to her years as a shinobi and her chakra reinforced ears. “It has been mentioned to me many a times that manners are simply a must, particularly in my earlier years before I ventured down the path which I have.” _Before Sasuke had stabbed her through the chest and ripped her heart to shreds._ Her lip curled then, but she forced the feelings the memories brough up back down. She couldn’t afford to show weakness then and there. _Guide the conversation,_ she reminded herself. Draw its focus, its attention. Dragons, she knew, could have a wonderful case of tunnel vision when it came to something which had piqued their attention and there was no doubt such a state would be incredibly useful for her _comrades_.

She could feel the very soul of that being of fire and sorcery almost wrapping around her own, bundled under concealment after concealment. “The path which you ventured down…?” the sly voice continued, and Sakura found herself automatically shifting her body around as the dragon moved behind her. She kept her back to it. She had to. Her eyes were still in that reptilian state – a clear indicator of the other face she wore, physically at least. “What paths are there for one such as yourself?”

“One of fire and madness,” she said, breathing out almost shakily as she heard the quiet movement of those in the shadows. _How long were they going to wait before attacking?_ Her heart pounded in her chest. _Maybe they’ll let your kin rip you apart,_ that snide voice murmured in her ear, like a little devil upon her shoulder, _after all, it’d be nothing more than you deserve…_

A rumble, followed by a puff of hot air made her stiffen. “Will you not show me one of the faces you wear, then, traveller with many? For instance, the one you wear now…”

Sakura froze, hating the silence and stillness of the forest around her. That was a request. _She had to make a decision, and it wasn’t as though she could take on the dragon whilst retaining her cover as just an average human._ She had to comply with what it had asked of her… but if that dragon turned out to be a blabbermouth… if the elves heard anything too suspicious as to her origins… She turned then, painfully slowly, mind racing as she cocked her head to the side. Chakra raced to her hand then, sharpening around the fingertips – a mockery of the talons she might have otherwise used if they were alone. _As close to a chakra scalpel as she could manage._ She knew a dragon’s biology like no other. _So obviously she knew the location of a dragon’s larynx – a sure-fire way to prevent it from blathering about secrets which needed to be kept._ “Well then, tell me,” Sakura said, grateful for the little ridge the dragon’s body made around her. _Little to no chances of the elves seeing her eyes in that state: ugly and undeniably reptilian._ Noxious green clashed with amber, and Sakura smiled then – a thing made solely of teeth. “Were you expecting this?”

Deciphering the dragon’s expression then proved to be beyond her. “I… did not know _she_ had descendants…” Silence fell then, peace existing between them for a split second. The night was perfectly still in that moment, no night bird nor even the wind disturbing them in that instant. Then there came the familiar _twang_ of a bowstring, shattering the stillness of the night air.

And then the forest erupted in a cacophony of movement.

She moved almost instantly, instincts not allowing her to fall behind the surprise attack as the arrow pieced the dragon’s eye. _A good shot._ Sakura hurried forwards, chakra drenched hand piecing through the softer scales lining the dragon’s belly. “She doesn’t,” Sakura whispered, relishing in the way those amber eyes widened at her words, her own eyes burning an acrid, unique shade of green as she tore her hand back out, fingers clutched around a pulpy mass of sinew and flesh.

The limber, long body moved as fast as a whip, the dragon’s tail slamming into her stomach, winding her and sending her flying back a good few metres away from the unfolding battle. Sakura rolled, protecting her head as best she could. _Her job,_ she decided, _was done._ Not only had she unwittingly lured the beast there, but she had then distracted it, and had then dealt it a rather severe wound to its throat. She had weakened it, and it would die soon. Her hunger for its blood was sated somewhat. _After all, her arm was now drenched in the poisonous blood of her kin._ Sakura was only lucky that it wasn’t poisonous to her specifically. _Evidently being a dragon had some benefits,_ she mused, snorting at the treacherous thought. _As if that made anything else about her dragon-ish ways_ better.

Golden hair gleamed beneath the moonlight, and Sakura pulled herself onto her elbows, lying half on her side as she watched the last stages of their impromptu ambush upon the dragon they had been hunting. A familiar, possessive part of her nature clawed its way to the surface of her thoughts, and Sakura glowered at the coloured locks far too similar to that which she had hoarded before. _He would never be hers,_ she knew, and part of her cried out at the thought, even as the dying movements of the dragon caught her ears.

Slaying that dragon had undoubtedly been easier. _Easier compared to how those years before had struggled to kill her._ Dragons had definitely diminished from the era when she had lived. Part of her wondered whether she was supposed to be happy or disappointed at that fact. _She knew the bloodthirsty monster within was undoubtedly the latter._

“Lothien!” Aravir’s voice had her groaning and praying that her eyes had reverted to normal as the familiar figure found his way to her side. “Are you well? Can you stand?” he asked in rapid fire, and Sakura could only grunt and nod, her chest aching somewhat. Undoubtedly there would be a bruise there by morning. She was fortunate her kin hadn’t broken any of her ribs. Though she supposed chakra and a naturally rather robust body helped her there.

“I’m fine,” she grumbled, unbloodied arm around his shoulders as he helped her back towards where the other elves were retreating to. _The camp,_ she remembered dimly, reminding herself she had been there only a short while before. Truly, Sakura felt terribly drained. It was surprising to her, how exhausting kin-slaying was. _She didn’t know how the elves had done it so many times._ A snort escaped her at the thought, and she was once again reminded of how her dragon-ish sense of humour had never really left her. _Dark and morbid of course, uncaring as to the lives of the free races of Arda._

“I was nearly out of my mind with worry when Lindion came back to us, claiming the dragon had found you,” Aravir said, and Sakura could only chuckle darkly at the thought. _Really, she had never been in that much danger._ All she would have needed to do would be to shift skins and turn back into a terror of the skies.

But she wouldn’t do that. _Never again._ She wanted to lose herself in the current skin she wore. She wanted to be human again. She wanted to be good again… _good enough to stay by his side… because she still wanted to be loved._ But that was just a hopeless wish. She couldn’t undo the past, nor erase it. _She was a monster through and through, and she only knew how to hurt others._ Sakura glanced down at the larynx she still blindly held. Her brow furrowed, and she asked herself why on Arda she hadn’t let go of the bloodied thing. She snorted then. _Her pre-genin self would have shrieked at the mess she made of herself._

A familiar presence at her side voiced her thoughts then. “I would drop that if I were you,” Glorfindel said, appearing at her bloodier shoulder, grey eyes meeting her acrid set as she blinked dumbly at his sudden appearance. “Dragon’s blood is known to be rather poisonous. You should wash your arm as soon as you can and have Lindion treat you.”

Sakura glanced between her soulmate and the bloodied mass of flesh she had ripped from the dragon earlier. Shrugging, she let it fall from her grasp, barely listening as it landed with a wet smack on the barren ground. The dragon had left its mark on the forest, and some of it would never recover. Dragons were beings of destruction. Sakura could never forget that fact. _Nothing would ever let her forget the crux of the matter._ “I will be fine,” she said, glancing between both of her arms, grateful that she had chosen to get her non-soulmarked arm bloody. Less chance of the universe deciding to pay her back and ensure her own soulmate caught an accidental glance of her own soulmark.

“Please take care of your own health, Lothien,” her soulmate continued, oblivious to the way her skin crawled at his closeness. Part of her wanted to grab onto him and never let go. The other half wanted to be on a different continent to him. _A shame Numenor had been sunk. That would have been far enough, though admittedly closer to Aman than she would have liked._ Sakura sighed, hating the gentle stare directed her way as she looked determinedly away. _She didn’t deserve that concerned look._

Huffing, Sakura continued to stumble back to camp. “Why would you care if I keel over and die?” she grumbled. It wasn’t like he knew they were soulmates. He couldn’t. Otherwise he’d probably _have_ been hoping for her to keel over and die. No doubt she was polluting the place just by breathing the air.

“Is it wrong of me to care for life?” he asked, staring at her so gently then. “Life is a precious gift, and you should take care not to waste it. I have no doubts there is another out there who wishes for you to live on… whether you have met them yet—”

A bark of hysterical laughter escaped her before she could stop herself, even as Aravir helped her to sit down, resting back against a nearby tree. The campfire crackled before her, and she slumped back, turning her head up to stare at the stars dotting the sky above. There were no leaves to block her view, the tree behind her barren of leaves. “I would have thought you, at the very least, would know that soulmates are not perfect,” she said, fingers instinctively going to trace over the name of the elf sitting beside her. They were concealed under the guard she wore, an extra layer of bandage slipped within for another precaution.

Glorfindel blinked, realisation setting in within seconds. “Oh,” he murmured, seeming to deflate from whatever tirade he had been about to continue. “I see.” He settled down next to her, blissfully oblivious to her discomfort. Though Sakura supposed she might as well have had an excellent poker face by then. “I am terribly sorry to hear such tragedy has befallen you, as young as you are…”

Sakura barely battered an eyelid at the terribly condescending tone layered within that statement. Instead, she sighed, already far too used to the mannerisms of elves. _She wasn’t young._ Though admittedly she probably wasn’t as old as him, but undoubtedly by less thousands than he had assumed. Dimly, she was aware of Aravir retreating, leaving them to the little pity party they were seemingly throwing. “I’m not as young as you think,” she said, sighing as she rested her head upon her hand then, staring listlessly at the crackling flames. _Oh how she loved and hated fire in equal measures._ It was certainly reminiscent of her feelings for her soulmate. She wanted to know him. Love him. _But she could never forget what her soulmark had put her through. She could never forget how unworthy of him she was._

“I very much doubt that,” Glorfindel said, smiling softly then. “Though if you wish to enlighten me as to your true age in numbers, then please do so.”

“I hear it’s bad manners to enquire as to a lady’s age,” Sakura murmured, relaxing as best she could with her soulmate situated right next to her.

He hummed then, a low, musical sound so different from her own. “Here I was, believing you would rather not be associated with the designation of _lady_ ,” he remarked. “If my memory does not fail me, then you were rather vehement with your protests against that title.”

“Well, I am _no_ lady, but it is generally polite, I believe, not to enquire about the ages of the fairer sex,” Sakura mumbled. “Not that I particularly care of that, though I will still decline in telling you of the number.” _It would only prove she wasn’t human, and she could hardly be one of the Firstborn with her appearance the way it was._

Sakura yawned then, tiredness finally creeping up on her as the adrenaline wore off. She felt drained, as though the energy had been sucked out of her. The moon was still high in the sky, and sleep was likely a few hours overdue for her. But she could hardly relax with her valar forsaken soulmate sitting beside her. She shifted then, uncomfortable with unnervingly comfortable silence which had fallen between them. It felt _too_ natural. _Because they were damned soulmates._

“You should rest if you are tired,” Glorfindel murmured, and Sakura could only blink languidly before she figured there was no harm in doing so. The night had been busy, and she sorely needed to catch some shut eye before she did… whatever she was going to do then. It wasn’t like her discomfort in her soulmate’s presence could prevent her body from needing to sleep. “You need not worry. There is little else which could disturb us now…”

“Mmh,” she grunted, her entire body too exhausted to do anything more than sleep. She liked it somewhat – the exhaustion that was. _It helped to remind her that she still had some human traits left._ Not that it made her any less of a monster.


	10. never let me feel the pain

Consciousness came back to her slowly, tiredness clinging to her eyes, ensuring they were sufficiently heavy and hard to open. A groan left her lips, an all too familiar pain coursing through her body as she struggled to sit up. “Ouch,” she muttered, wincing as the bruises she knew would form on her chest finally awoke with a blistering pain. Part of her wondered what sort of madness had overcome her the night before, the other half immediately cottoning on to the fact that a certain golden-haired elf was still beside her. _Her Valier damned soulmate was still sitting next to her, watching her with those curious grey eyes of his as she pulled herself from her slumber._ A soft sigh escaped him then, and Sakura risked meeting his stare, eyebrow raised in question.

“I see you did not have Lindion treat your injuries yesterday,” Glorfindel remarked, and Sakura scowled as she heard the scolding tone in his voice. “Perhaps you might rethink your decision before we depart for Rivendell…”

“I will be fine,” Sakura ground out. She was no stranger to pain, and she would do nothing which might involve her having to take off any items of clothing. _He could never see the soulmark. Never know how they were connected – how they were meant to be bound together until the end of time itself._ “Wait,” she said, head snapping up. “Why are we going to Rivendell?” _Why in the name of everything not Morgoth were they going to an undoubtedly elven settlement?_ She was a dragon. Someone who had killed many of their number before. She would never be welcomed in a such a place, and any protections spun over an elven dwelling would undoubtedly scorn her so.

“Many of our companions are injured and cannot be properly treated in such a place as this,” he explained, raising an eyebrow as he glanced pointedly between those gathered around the dying embers of the campfire. “So perhaps if you fail to heed my advice, you might find some treatment for those injuries of yours at our destination.”

“I _am_ fine,” she muttered, so beyond _done_ with her nosy soulmate. _Who was probably drawn to her through whatever supernatural connection soulmates were…_ She certainly couldn’t stop her eyes from drifting back to him time and time again, even though she scolded herself each time it happened. He wasn’t hers to have. She didn’t deserve him. _No matter how she longed to tangle her fingers in those golden locks._ She was a dragon through and through. Sakura was only fortunate there weren’t any gold coins or jewels around, otherwise she’d probably do something stupid, like try to hoard them.

Glorfindel only hummed, scepticism drawn all over his face, and Sakura felt her jaw tense. Truly, she wanted nothing more than to scream her frustrations to the sky. Why did he have to be so close, and yet so terribly far away at the same time? Why did he have to tease her with warm smiles which she could never have? Not if he knew who she truly was. “If you say so, Lothien,” he said, and Sakura could practically taste the condescension in the air.

Spite was an excellent motivator though, so when Aravir informed her they were moving, Sakura climbed to her feet, face not betraying a single inch of her pain. She could bear that much, no big deal. _It wasn’t as though she didn’t deserve the suffering._ The pain she knew she had brought unto the elves was far worse. _So how could she dare complain about the miniscule amount of pain she was in?_ She was a monster, and she could deal with the pain she so rightly deserved. A dragon had dealt the pain to her. Her very kin had made her feel that much pain – the price of slaying kin.

Her breath came in sharp pants, the bruise stretching across her chest and back making every breath a painful one. Silently, she pondered whether she might have broken, fractured, or at the very least bruised some of her ribs. She wasn’t as good at healing anymore. Indeed, she hadn’t really tried there in that place, because there was an odd sort of rule followed in that world. _Those who dealt in death were diminished in their ability to heal._ And Sakura had dealt in _so much_ death. Fire and death – it surrounded her like a cloak. Like a thick smog which came for her and suffocated her until it was a struggle to just _breathe._ She couldn’t undo what she’d done – unwrought what she had wrought. Her history there was set in stone, woven into the tapestries in Aman and Arda, and try as she might, she could do naught about that. She was a monster. She wasn’t human. She wasn’t worthy of her soulmate who walked beside her in that very instant. He was _good._ Kind in ways that she wasn’t. Ways she knew she could never be. He was noble and respected by everyone around him. She wasn’t. She would be despised. Hated. _Because of what she had become, because of what she had done._

Sakura sucked in a sharp breath, ignoring the pointed look sent her way by that golden elf who she was beginning to love to hate. The emotions and thoughts he brought roiling to the surface were enough to drown her so. Enough to override the physical pain with the mental anguish she had been in ever since she had first encountered her blasted soulmate in that land. Dimly, Sakura wondered what would happen if she ran away screaming in that very instant. She cast a glance at the companion who was seemingly glued to her side. _No doubt he’d try and drag her off to Rivendell for healing for one reason or another._ Sakura thought he would be welcome to try. _Just because she refused to shift into that terrible other form of hers didn’t mean she would be incapable of running away like a damned coward._

_A cowardly dragon,_ that terrible, snide voice whispered in the depths of her mind, _who would have thought of it? Running away because you can’t face what you’ve done…_ Sakura gritted her teeth. As always, actions had consequences. Now she was trying to face them. _But it wasn’t as if she could just turn around to her soulmate and introduce herself._

_Oh yes, you remember that terrible dragon back in the First Age – the one whose horrible name is scrawled all across your back? That’s me, nice to meet you._ Sakura snorted at the thought. _As if that would go down well._ Her lip curled, and her hands balled up into fists.

“If you are in that much pain, then I am terribly afraid you will have to bear with it until we reach Rivendell,” Glorfindel chimed in, that sharp grey gaze of his softening ever so slightly as he took in her somewhat battered form. Sakura was under no doubts that she looked terrible. She hadn’t brushed her hair in what felt like days, unwashed as it was, the dye doing its job of concealing her _unnatural_ pink hair. There were cuts and grazes all over her body, though her chest and back were undoubtedly the worst of her injured parts. “Of course, if being carried will ease—”

“Carry me and I will _bite,_ ” Sakura threatened, her voice barely above a low growl as she continued walking through mossy grass and wild undergrowth.

Glorfindel sighed then. “So be it,” he murmured, but rather than walking away from her stubbornness, he kept walking beside her, seemingly searching for words he soon found. “We did not get much time last night to talk,” he said, and Sakura felt every part of her stiffen at where the topic of conversation was going. Her _irritating_ partner didn’t notice – or just didn’t care, though Sakura was inclined to believe the former because her soulmate was just too kind and noble. “The way you handled that dragon was admirable… and rather cunning, I believe. Indeed, I could not figure out what your words meant, and I have no doubts our foe was similarly entranced and entertained by your words…”

“My,” Sakura murmured, some sort of dark, wretched humour bubbling up within her. “You almost make it sound like I was the dragon…”

Laughter rolled through the air, soft and gentle. Sakura could only smile bitterly, facing forwards. _If only he knew… If only he knew._ “I would never insinuate that such a lovely lady as yourself could resemble such a horrific beast,” he said, smiling mirthfully then. _As though every word of that didn’t spear through her shattered heart. As though it wasn’t an insult to her, albeit an unknowing one._ After all, how was he expected to know that the woman beside him was nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a monster merely wearing the guise of a human? _She was a being of trickery and deception indeed._ “No complaints as to being called a lady this time?”

“No,” Sakura mumbled. “You already know of my preferences of address,” she said matter-of-factly, and Glorfindel tilted his head then, staring at her, something akin to concern on that face of his.

“Why do you walk down a path of fire and madness?” he asked suddenly, and it was only Sakura’s fast reactions that prevented her from tripping over her own feet at the sudden question which had come out of nowhere.

She arched an eyebrow. “Why is that any of your business?” she asked. _They were soulmates, they were meant to be each other’s business._ Not that Glorfindel would ever come to know that should she get her way. _But when do you ever get your way?_ the snide voice purred in her ear. _Why should you deserve to get your way, being of fire, death, and madness?_

He inclined his head then. “Humour me?” he tried, and Sakura scowled, hating the way those _grey-grey_ eyes of his bore into the side of her skull. They were nothing like her own, acrid green and poisonous – a warning of her true, horrid nature which she prayed she would be able to conceal for a while longer. Until she could part from her soulmate’s side. Silence reigned heavy in the air between them for a few moments, Sakura shifting on her feet as those eyes just continued to stare at her, pleading for answers. Her resistance to them, as she soon found out, was completely and utterly futile. Sakura blamed it on them being soulmates. She had no resistance to him and his ways. He deserved everything he wanted and more, just for putting up with her horrid name in those lands on his skin.

Mind racing for an acceptable answer – because _I’m a fire-breathing dragon who just so happens to be your soulmate_ was not an acceptable one – she wracked her brain for a feasible solution to the problem set before her. _What other paths of fire and madness were there that didn’t involve being a gigantic, flame spewing lizard?_ “Dragon slaying,” she said, mind working overtime as the pieces of the puzzle she had been working on slotted into place with barely any more fuss. “They took Fainbarad and Gilithien from me.” She didn’t even have to fake her anger. It was real and true, and it coursed through her very veins – a loathing of her kin that was. “So I will pay them back in turn.”

“If you asked Aravir, I am certain he would allow you to become a Ranger. Those who protect the folk of these lands… and with dragons occasionally venturing southward… I am certain you would find that path of yours,” Glorfindel said, staring off out into the distance then, and Sakura felt oddly uncomfortable all of a sudden. _Like there was something she was forgetting._ She shook her head then, pushing away the feeling, storing it away to examine it later in detail. _Perhaps once she was away from her soulmate, because Glorfindel was a distraction and a half._

“Perhaps,” she murmured, honestly wondering at that point exactly what she going to do in her strange new future there. _Her second chance._ Being a Ranger sounded like being one of the _good ones_ or whatever it was the side of those who hadn’t been evil called themselves. She wanted that – wanted to scrub away her past, to take a scrubbing brush and get rid of the filth which she was… and perhaps uncover something new _and hopefully beautiful_ beneath all the muck and grime.

_Who are you kidding?_ the snide voice whispered. _How could a creature made of filth be anything but?_

“Forgive me, but there is still something I would like to know regarding your misadventures the night previous,” Glorfindel said, lips curled down into a frown as he turned back to face her. “The way that dragon addressed you… I cannot help but wonder why it would call you a traveller with many faces…” Grey eyes looked at her then, feeling as though they were boring into her very soul. _And what an ugly soul you have,_ the snide voice she was growing so very accustomed to mocked. _Why else would you conceal it so well?_

Sakura smiled, the answer coming to her then like a moth drawn to a flame. “Do we all not wear many?” she asked, tilting her head, glancing at him curiously. “Or do we always say and show that which is in our hearts?”

Glorfindel blinked, giving her a curious, measuring stare. “I must say, you have been quite the surprise on this venture,” he murmured, his smile oddly fond then. “Not only are you incredibly knowledgeable about the beast we hunted, yet you also have the uncanny wit needed to match them in a battle of words. Not a particularly common combination.”

Frowning, Sakura could only stare at him sceptically. _After all, knowledge of terrible fire-breathing scaled creatures and the wit to match one were a fairly common combination. There was actually a name for them – dragons._ Yet, Sakura didn’t know whether to say fortunately or unfortunately, her precious soulmate hadn’t put two and two together as of yet. She was grateful to have been the only dragon skin-changer Melkor had ever been able to create. _Otherwise she doubted her soulmate would have survived such an encounter._ He was good unlike her. He deserved to survive and live on. _But he was chained to a monster by fate itself._

Part of her wondered if his experience growing up had been as terrible as hers. Whether he’d been shunned and reviled for having such a soulmark. _But perhaps more of the elves were slightly more openminded than the people of Konoha._ Living in a military dictatorship tended to do that to people, especially when those with differences in certain opinions were killed off. _That,_ Sakura mused, _probably explained a lot of things which had happened to her._ “I’m glad I’m here…” Sakura mumbled. Arda, despite the terrible things she had done there, was shaping up to be a lot better than the Elemental Nations. _Not least because there were less glorified mercenaries going around killing people in the name of their beloved country._

“I am rather glad you are here too,” Glorfindel said, and Sakura felt her head snap around, acrid green eyes blinking at him owlishly. _That stupid ball of hope in her chest roaring to life._ “I fear there would have been more casualties without your aid.” The fire of _ridiculous, stupid_ hope was swiftly extinguished. _He couldn’t love her. He never would. And it hurt._ Of course he cared for the lives of the soldiers under his command. He was that kind of person. _So good. So perfect. So willing to help and protect the lives of others. So… unlike her._ It was selfish of her to want him. But then again, she was a selfish and greedy being. She couldn’t change that fact.

“I am… happy to be of help,” Sakura said blankly, hating the greedy part of her which wanted him. _But she wasn’t worthy of him, and she never would be._ She despised the part of her which thought that _if she just did enough good, then maybe he wouldn’t hate her… maybe he’d stay by her side through peril and strife._ That was just a fanciful delusion. A deception unto herself. Though, then again, she freely admitted to being a creature of trickery and deception.

“Because you are a good person,” he said, seemingly so carefree, as if the words he had just uttered weren’t a filthy lie to herself. She was hardly a representation of the good human after slaying a single number of her kin. _Kin who were vile and evil._ She called them kin. She was the same as them, no matter how she tried to do good deeds. _Too little, too late,_ the snide voice whispered, and dimly, Sakura agreed. “I honestly cannot fathom why your soulmate would not want you…”

“Do you not hate your own soulmate?” Sakura asked, uncertain as to why the question fell from her lips so readily. _Because she wanted to hear him say he didn’t hate her. Because she wanted him to say that he would welcome his soulmate, no matter her past._ Reality was so very different to fantasy though.

“It is different from your own situation, I believe,” Glorfindel said, staring off into the distance, towards where their destination was. Though admittedly it was nowhere in sight as of yet, and Sakura was grateful it would be a few days before they reached it. She was not looking forward to entering an elven dwelling. _To staring at the culmination of her mistakes, because elves liked things like painting and weaving, and the subjects of their paintings and tapestries tended to focus on history. Their history._ And Sakura’s past was intertwined with theirs. “My soulmate was a dragon… a creature of Morgoth… a weapon for the Enemy.”

The questions came to mind like a spring welling up from the ground. “Was there ever anyone else who had a dragon for a soulmate?” Sakura questioned, curious as to whether anyone else would have been reviled as they no doubt had. _Though she doubted it._ She had been unique amongst Melkor’s twisted army.

Glorfindel shook his head. “No… My soulmate was as… unique as my fate,” he murmured, smiling sombrely. “I suppose they were a trial in a way… a stepping stone… a mountain to overcome. I cannot think as to another reason why I would have been given such a being as my fated other otherwise.”

Sakura hummed then, contemplating his words. _Trying to not let them drive their daggers deep into her chest._ “Do you not think… perhaps there was something unique about them?” she wondered, stuffing her hands into her pockets so as to hide them. _And the way they were curling up into tight fists, knuckles turning a chalky shade of white._

Glorfindel smiled then, a gentle huff escaping him then. “I appreciate you trying to make things seem better than they were… but the fact of the matter remains. My soulmate was a dragon – dead now, thankfully – and dragons are naught but creatures of death and destruction who seek to ruin the lives of those around them.”

Her nails bit into the skin of her palms, leaving white crescents behind, and Sakura felt her shoulders slump because… “Yes,” Sakura muttered, hating the sting of tears which bit at the corners of her eyes. “That is true.”


	11. rollin' in the deep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning:
> 
> At the end of the chapter we have some 'suicidal thoughts' or, perhaps more aptly, Sakura giving no f**ks about dying because her mental state isn't the greatest. So, yeah, warning for this.

Her heart ached, feeling as though it had been torn asunder. _For a third time._ Sakura could barely hold back the snort which came with that dark thought. Rubbing at her chest, right over her sternum, she recalled the cold, pale white hand which had ripped through flesh, bone, and organ there. She would never be able to forget that hand, nor the spinning red eyes which had whirled as they met her acrid green set, nor even the betrayal which had set in both times, giving rise to her anger. _She had thought Sasuke loved her, and in her mind back then love didn’t have anything to do with ripping people’s hearts out._ Sakura smiled, a grim little thing. _Ah, how blissfully ignorant she had been back then._ Love, it seemed, for her had everything to do with heartache and pain.

But in that world she definitely deserved it – penance for her numerous sins. She was a monster. A terrible beast who only brought death and destruction, who ruined the lives of everyone around her. Yet another reason why she should have been as far away as physically possible from her soulmate as they trekked back to Rivendell. _Imladris._ She shouldn’t have been going there either. It was practically sacrilege. She was a dragon through and through, a creature of Morgoth, a weapon for the enemy to use and discard. There was no place for her in an elven settlement, even if her soulmate was an elf. _Who thankfully thought her dead._ Sakura wouldn’t enlighten him otherwise.

“You are not in too much pain, are you?” Glorfindel asked, blissfully oblivious to her wish to be on the other half of the continent to him. “My offer from before still stands…”

“Not happening,” Sakura hissed, baring her teeth at him. “Ever.” She could make it to Rivendell on her own steam. _Like hell she was letting an elf carry her to a place which would repel her very nature itself._ If she was going to walk into a dragon’s hell, then it would be on her own terms with her own feet. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Stubborn fool,” he murmured, oblivious to just how sharp her ears were, and Sakura rolled her eyes. She was that and more. _An utterly stupid fool for ever craving the love of her so-called ‘creator’. An utterly stupid fool for taking her rage against Sasuke out on the world there._ “Though I suppose we might as well indulge in more conversation to pass the time, and perchance move your thoughts onto something less painful.”

“Such as?” she questioned, cursing her curious nature. _And the fact she couldn’t seem to deny him anything._ She should have been hurrying away – not indulging in more conversation with her beloved, wonderful soulmate.

Glorfindel smiled, and Sakura was hit with the full force of his beauty. _She wanted to scream at him not to play with her heart like that._ “Did you ever get your dagger back?” he asked, and Sakura felt her brow furrow in confusion at the question. _What dagger?_ Clearly, her confusion was palpable, and so her soulmate elaborated. “The one you used upon the dragon – to slit its throat open – you did not have it when Aravir and I found you,” he said, and she blinked dumbly. “It was a terribly messy cut. In fact, it looked more as though you tore through its skin and scales with your bare hand… but that would be impossible, even as strong as you are, Lothien.”

Sakura swallowed, throat suddenly incredibly dry because that was _exactly_ what happened, albeit with chakra involved. _Thank Valier she looked human, and that elves and men knew naught of the fact there once existed a dragon skin-changer._ “Er… No,” she said. “It appears to have been lost. Though I had forgotten all about it, if I am perfectly honest.” _When are you ever perfectly honest?_ the snide voice questioned, and Sakura ground her teeth together.

“Well, seeing as that dagger served as a great aid to you, it would be rather remiss of you to not replace such a weapon,” he said, and Sakura blinked as a dagger was held out to her. Swallowing thickly, she stared at the _unmistakably_ elven craft, blinking once more as the weapon was thrust in her grasp and left there.

“Uh…” She stared at him, glancing between him and the blade – his weapon – which he had just given to her. “I… cannot accept this,” she said, holding her hand out, blade and all. _Not least because the blade stung her somewhat._ She carried Melkor’s taint, a stain on her very soul itself. It was no surprise any elven craft would reject her so. _But saying that fact aloud would be tantamount to admitting to the fact that she was a dragon._ She smiled sombrely at the thought. _A creature of death and destruction who only brought ruin to those around her._

“Then consider it a loan,” he spoke, that sunny smile still fixed in place on his lips. “Until we reach Rivendell.”

She opened her mouth, ready to argue at him – demand that he take the blade back – but the fight drained out from her as swiftly as it had arrived. “Alright,” she mumbled, feeling so terribly spent, and she was fairly sure she was only on her feet out of pure spite. _Added to her unnatural strength which could only belong to a wolf in sheep’s clothing_. “But just until we reach Rivendell,” she snapped, glaring at the one who had imposed such a blade upon her.

“Not a second longer,” he agreed, humming to himself then.

Seeing a chance to escape, she glanced around, stiffened at the sudden realisation that they were quite a ways away from the main group behind them. _And there was no way for her to easily re-join them as such without making her avoidance of Glorfindel blatantly obvious… he had already asked her once why she despised him so, and she had answered in anger._ She didn’t want another situation like that to arise, so staying where she was it was. “We should probably slow down,” she remarked, glancing between her soulmate and the group behind them. _Then she would be able to slip away so very easily._

“They have been keeping up with us,” Glorfindel informed her, and Sakura blinked at the news. “Though they appear to be giving us some space to talk.” A wry smile curved at his lips. “Indeed, this is likely the most they have ever seen me talk to one of the _edain._ ”

“I take it you do not venture out much, then,” she said, all too aware of how the elves tended to keep to themselves in their realms barring war or another terrible crisis. _Particularly those her kin had inflicted upon them._ But those belonged in tales of years long passed. “Though I feel as though I have taken up too much of your time as of late…”

“That is nothing to concern yourself with,” he said. “One might even presume we were bound to do as we have done ever since you emptied the contents of your stomach upon my boots.”

Sakura blinked, blood rushing to her cheeks at the memory. “Not one of my finest moments,” she grumbled, folding her arms as she fell back in step with him.

“I would have to agree with you there,” Glorfindel said, eyes alight with mirth. _Something completely different to how he no doubt felt at the time._ “Though I dare say you have since redeemed yourself and your image after your heroic feats.”

A snort escaped her before she could stop it. “I am _no_ hero,” she declared. The thought was laughable. _How could a dragon be a hero?_ That was an impossibility unto itself. “In fact, I am probably the furthest thing from it…”

Grey eyes bore into her skull, and Sakura dared not to meet that gaze. _She hated it. She hated herself._ It really was asking too much of the world to allow her to be loved for once. _It shouldn’t have bothered her – she should have been resigned to that unloved fate…_ “The furthest thing from a hero would be a villain,” he remarked. “I highly doubt you would be classed as one of those.”

“You would be surprised,” Sakura murmured, closing her eyes briefly, gathering her courage so she could meet that gaze which felt as though it ripped through her. “You do not know my past, Glorfindel, though neither do I know yours.”

Sakura barely refrained from flinching at the considering look then directed her way. _With those eyes which felt as though they could uncover her secrets – her lies, and the many deceptions which accompanied them._ “I thought you were well learned of the First Age…” he murmured, and Sakura frowned at that. _Because what did the First Age have to do with him… unless…_ Her heart pounded at the thought that he might have _lived through her admittedly rather short reign of terror, rather than simply hearing tales from his ancestors._

“I am well learned of dragons, my lord,” she said, staring around at the wonderful trees, hating the niggling feeling at the back of her head which _ate_ at her. _What was she forgetting?_ “I know about most, though not all, events involving them.”

“Tell me, do you know of a city named Gondolin?” he asked, and Sakura turned to him, the name dimly ringing a bell somewhere in the back of her memory. His expression was oddly shuttered all of a sudden, and Sakura felt the hairs on the back of her neck raise in warning.

Sakura sighed softly, body tense, nerves on edge for a reason she couldn’t work out. _Probably because of her damned soulmate and the fact she felt like he was too close. Too close to discovering the truth about who she was… about what she was._ There was no changing that. “Why are you telling me of this?” she asked, wanting for them to simply walk in silence. _One which would be far too comfortable because they were two pieces of a puzzle which were meant to slot together so very seamlessly._ “You do not owe me tales of your past, just as I do not owe you tales of mine.”

“Does it not make for conversation?” he questioned, and Sakura felt as though her heart had dropped to her toes. _She didn’t want to make conversation with the soulmate she could never lay claim upon. She didn’t want to be taunted by those golden locks which she would never be able to add to her non-existent hoard._ “For all that we have spoken, we indeed know little of each other, and there is a long way still yet to go until we reach our destination… We have yet to return to those who we separated when we ventured off deep into the tainted woods.” Sakura frowned, that same niggling sensation coming back full force. _It whispered that she had missed something – something big, something important._ Her mind wouldn’t let her rest properly until she had solved that mystery. _And a tired mind meant for more slipups when conversing with her beloved soulmate._ “Perhaps I hope to come to know you a little better before we part ways?”

_Damned soulmates and the bonds which tugged them together so,_ Sakura thought bitterly. “Because we are kindred spirits in a way?” she offered jokingly, remembering their little pity party. _In which her soulmate had argued about her soulmate who ought to not hate her, whilst reminding her of his contempt for his own soulmate._ Part of her, the same part which had enjoyed watching other’s suffering, wanted to see the face he made when he came to realise that she was his intended. _It would be terribly exquisite,_ the snide voice whispered, and Sakura swiftly quashed the thought.

It was so terribly hard to stop being a horrible monster.

“That may be the answer,” Glorfindel said, smiling at her then. _Like she was a friend. Like she wasn’t a filthy monster who only sought ruin and death._

Sakura sighed, feeling the sudden absence of the breeze as they ventured post an outcrop of rock which shielded them from the wonderful breeze which made the summer’s stifling heat that much more bearable. _Ah, how she hated summer. The warmest of the seasons. She preferred winter more – she always had throughout at least the last of her lives. Dragons had been so terribly bothersome in summer, when the time came to pair up and—_

“It’s summer,” she mumbled, stopping dead still all of a sudden, biting at her thumb as that niggling sensation became that much more prominent. She had missed something big – something terribly big when it came to their recently defeated foe. Wracking her brains, she ignored Glorfindel’s next words, chewing determinedly on her thumb, the sensation helping to ground her on the problem set before her.

_“It takes quite a long time for beasts such as this one to subvert and twist the nature around them…”_ Her words spoken a matter of days ago came back to haunt them, and her eyes widened as she remembered. _It had been unusual how quickly the dragon had overtaken the forest._ But two voices were stronger than one, especially when they worked in harmony to create discord.

“It’s summer!” she repeated that much more urgently, hating the confused look Glorfindel gave her as she said the same words. “Do you not—tch. Of course you do not know…” She ran a hand through her hair, hating how sticky and grease-laden it was, hating that the part of her so obsessed with fashion had seemingly come back to haunt her. “Summer is the mating season of dragons – well, for fire-breathers, at least – the incubation of the egg clutch takes a year and dragons are meant to be born at the peak of summer, given their fire-aligned nature. Do you understand where I am going with this?” She stared at him pointedly.

Glorfindel only frowned. “Those are some facts I feel as though I would be better off not…” he trailed off, and Sakura watched as comprehension dawned on his face.

“It explains why the forest fell so quickly under the dragon’s sway – or should I say the dragons’ sway?” she exclaimed, watching as Glorfindel turned, ready to hurry back to the group they had allowed to lag behind them somewhat. _But the universe utterly hated Sakura – or so it proved – as the dragon they had overlooked burst over the outcrop of rock. Truly, the timing was terrible, and Sakura hated – both the universe and herself for having such cursed luck._

Scales glimmered like jewels, emeralds and jades compared to the ruby colouring of its dead partner, with eyes the colour of fresh blood gleamed with an inhuman rage. It was slimmer than the other dragon, and ultimately faster too as it snaked down the steep drop, eyes locked on the pair of them before it sighted the larger group. Swearing up a storm, Sakura chased after her soulmate, chakra pumping to her legs as she spotted the long, limber tail performing an all too familiar move. _It was going after the larger group, seeing the both of them as minor annoyances._ Sakura gave into her urge to scowl. _The bitty bratty baby of a dragon was writing her off – she, a dragon. One of the dragons of the First Age._ Dimly, part of her mind reminded her that she hated herself due to that very fact, but most of her thought process was taken up by the pressing need to get between her soulmate and that dangerous tail.

She succeeded in that endeavour, and the joys of success rang through her—

_Wait. No. That was the pain from her ribs._

The pain of the impact was exquisite upon her already bruised and possibly cracked ribs, despite the chakra which welled up the lessen the damage. _But as always chakra could only do so much._ Her world was consumed with pain, and vaguely, Sakura was aware of another body close to hers and the odd sensation of rolling and falling. _There had been an incline to one side of them – not too steep, but not particularly shallow either._

Her breath came in short pants, pain piercing her chest with every movement, a low moan escaping her as she tumbled and tumbled down until water surrounded her with a loud splash. _A river,_ part of her numbly realised, the larger part of her screaming out in pain. _Pain she so deserved. Penance for her sins, numerous and uncounted as they were._

Water closed over her head, the world becoming dim and murky, and Sakura wondered if that was how her fourth life was going to end. _Alone under the waters._ It was probably a terribly fitting ending for a fire-breathing monster. _She wondered if Aravir would mourn her, despite their short acquaintance._

A smile curved at her lips.

_Probably._ Bubbles of air escaped her lips, the waters around her darkening as if tainted by something, even as the currents swept her away, further away from her troubles. _Humans of that world were so emotional like that… so very caring about the lives of the others, even though they hadn’t uncovered the many secrets they each held._ Humanity was so very wonderful. _Well so long as they were on the side of good._

Sakura hated that she would never be able to count herself amongst them. Once a dragon, always a dragon. Nothing could change that fact.

Fingers, large and more calloused than her own, closed around her thin wrist, pulling her up, and Sakura felt her eyes crack open, staring up at the way the sunlight shone down through the waters. _The way it shone down on those golden locks which almost appeared to be glowing as he swum up through the deep river waters._ He pulled her up, up towards the light, up towards the air she needed to keep on living.

_Sakura didn’t know whether it was a good thing._


	12. pushing me to see the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same warnings as previous chapter apply here - Sakura's mental state is only getting worse.

The armour-clad arm wrapped around her waist, his grip having shifted from her arm to there, was the only thing which kept her afloat as she coughed up all the water she had so greedily taken inside her. She was a complete deadweight, pain wracking every cough and every breath as she found herself staring up at the blue sky above, being towed to the banks of the deep, fast-flowing river they had fallen into. Numbness sank its fangs into her like a terribly persistent snake, and Sakura couldn’t yet muster up the energy to talk, let alone move. _She was tired, oh so terribly tired._ Though drowning was probably not a nice way to go, so she had to be grateful to her soulmate. _Even if he’d have left her to drown should he know the horrible monster she was._

“Lothien?”

The voice sounded so very far away, lost and half delirious from the pain and subsequent near drowning as she was. She didn’t even realise she had been dragged out of the water until she saw the leaves of the tree canopy swaying quietly above her and felt the hard earth at her back. Her shirt was sodden, clinging to her skin, and had she still been that preteen girl from her first life, then there was no doubt she would have been shrieking bloody murder and trying to cover herself up somewhat. _But she wasn’t that sweet, innocent, good, though unmistakably flawed girl who had clung to romance as though it were a lifeline._ Something impacted her cheek gently, stirring her from the thoughts, and Sakura soon found herself staring up into a pair of beautiful grey eyes. They were so very pretty – _she wanted them close by always_ – even narrowed in concern as they were.

He was her soulmate, some higher power having tied them together in that way, but Sakura couldn’t help but wonder whether there had been a mistake. _She wasn’t worthy of someone like Glorfindel._ A dragon was naught but a monster, and a dragon was what she was. One with a deceptive façade – and it was something she just couldn’t seem to drop for the life of her, scared of rejection as she was. _She was a monster. She should have been prepared for the hatred. But she was a coward at the end of the day._

“Lothien!”

Fingers patted at her cheek that much more urgently, and the abrupt realisation that _wait that was her soulmate calling her name_ had her emerging from that muted, self-loathing state. She sat up with a gasp, eager to get away from her blasted soulmate—and promptly bashed her head against the plate of his armour.

“Ow,” she groaned, wincing as she heard the huff of laughter, quickly concealed before she found herself once more staring up into those terrible grey eyes which promised naught but more heartache should she find herself entranced by them. _She couldn’t. She wouldn’t._ Not that he was making it easy for her to stay true to those silent promises, what with how genuine he seemed to behave around her – _reeled in by that rumoured red string which bound soulmates together so, no doubt. That was how soulmates went – always inexplicably drawn to one another, no matter how Sakura wished that was not so._ “What…? Where…?” she muttered, barely able to get another word out amidst her confusion and pain.

“We rolled down the hill, and now we appear to have ended up a short ways away from the battle currently taking place – which you are in no state to even attempt joining, before you should gather the strength to ask,” he said sternly, and Sakura could only suck in yet another ragged breath as she tried to process what had just happened. The fall and subsequent water inhalation had scrambled her brains somewhat, and she was far more troubled by the fact that her brain to mouth filter seemed to have failed, as evidenced by her next word.

“Pretty,” she muttered, staring at those mesmerising golden locks, and she quashed that aspect of her nature as swiftly as possible. It would be just her luck for her eyes to shift while her soulmate was scanning her over from head to toe rather intently. Rather than any form of interest which might have had her hopes for the future rising unhealthily, Sakura knew he was searching for any other possible injures. _Beyond the concussion she no doubt had and the broken and bruised ribs hidden beneath her shirt._

“Do not fall unconscious until we have Lindion treat you,” he warned, worry twisting his expression as the sound of battle resounded from where they had just been, a clash of scale and metal. “I will return shortly. We were fortunate to not drift too far…”

Sakura sat up swiftly at that _because she had been injured protecting him,_ so _like hell_ was she going to allow her _good, wonderful_ soulmate to run off into battle with an enraged member of her kin. Dragons were so terribly dangerous, what with how large they often were compared to men and elves, and truly, all she could picture was her _good_ soulmate lying there dead at her kin’s claws. _Or fangs._ She had to be the one to suffer such a fate instead, because he was everything _good_ just as she was everything _evil_. Chakra pulsing in her muscles, she climbed to her feet, noting how the world swayed as though she were aboard a ship in a stormy ocean. “Wait,” she muttered, voice not carrying as she wished it to, but that golden hair was already what felt like miles ahead of her and Glorfindel did not turn back. She staggered after him almost drunkenly on unsteady feet, legs threatening to bow under the weight of the simple task she was trying to accomplish.

It took what felt like hours to make any sort of progress uphill, and Sakura had swiftly resorted to using her hands and feet to crawl up the incline. Dizziness assailed her about halfway up, and she had the most terrible urge to vomit. Sakura only prayed her soulmate’s boots were far, far away as she turned and promptly upchucked the contents of her stomach once more near the roots of a tree. Narrowly avoiding falling in her own vomit, her back hit the ground, breath coming in ragged gasps as pain slammed into her with all the force of a tidal wave, and no amount of chakra could get her aching limbs working again. Her body simply refused to obey her wishes. _It wouldn’t have been so bad,_ a voice whispered then like a little devil upon her shoulder, _had she been in dragon form._ But Sakura refused that form. She wanted to be human. _Good._ So much unlike the unsightly blight she was upon that world.

Groaning, she closed her eyes – the light above her far too bright – only to be woken moments later by a frantic tapping on her cheek. A grumble escaped her, and she slapped at the offending hand, eyes cracking open just a sliver as she came to realise her sense of time was horribly distorted. _Thanks to her slightly rattled brain. And she hadn’t even been able to injure the pesky number of her kin who had done such a thing to her – she, a dragon of the First Age before their might had lessened._ The rest of her injuries hardly helped, and she had the barest moment of lucidity as she peered up to find Glorfindel and Lindion leaning over her. Dimly, she wondered why they would want to help a monster such as her. Part of her was rather incredibly grateful for the fact she couldn’t manage more than a few words at a time – her sentences a mess of one words. _It meant she could hardly get anything too important or too revealing across, what with her brain to mouth filter being completely and utterly obliterated._

They spoke above her in hushed voices, a frown marring her brow as she tried to figure out there words, but all there was to hear were muted sounds and a faint ringing in her ears which was only growing louder as the minutes ticked by. Leaves swayed above her, acrid green eyes following their motions blankly, even as they began to slowly blur out of focus.

Then Lindion’s beautiful, unearthly voice washed over her like an ocean upon the shore, splashing through the silence and dimness which had swallowed her so completely, and she fell under the waves of sweet, sweet sleep calling to her so. Despite the genuine slapping being done to her cheek in an effort to regain her attention, that was. Sakura only wished she had enough breath left in her to tell him that ship, with her attention on it, had well and truly sailed from the harbour.

It probably wouldn’t matter too much if she didn’t wake up anyway. _One less terrible monster roaming the earth, and then perhaps her soulmate would be free of her and her evils._

Or maybe she would just reincarnate between the worlds as she had done before, part of her whispered, relishing in the fear which that very thought evoked deep within her, but the dark blissfulness of unconscious soon swallowed her whole. _She liked the darkness._ It hid her and her sins so very well. _Coward,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura could only hum in acknowledgement before the abyss consumed her.

* * *

A blistering headache, painful ribs, and a mouthful of blonde hair greeted her as consciousness slammed into her with the force of a battering ram. “Huh?” she muttered eloquently, the urge to vomit rising once more, and she quickly shoved that feeling down as much as she could. _Like hell was she going to vomit on him again._ Once was enough. _He would probably despise her if she did so again._ Sakura ignored the part of her which whispered that it was how it was meant to be.

His head turned, gaze clocking her newly awakened self before he looked back at where his feet were taking the both of them. “Hush now,” he said, and Sakura closed her mouth from where she had opened it only milliseconds before. “Do not speak – your ribs are still in a dire situation. Lindion could not heal you for reasons I have yet to understand,” he continued, and Sakura felt a horrible realisation stir within her.

She knew little of elven healing methods, most of that which she had pieced from her occasional ventures out while she was still so very young in that second life of hers – the other parts coming from Melkor’s scorning words. What little she knew of involved words of power sung in song, calling to body and soul in turn. _But her body and soul were undeniably twisted from that which elves were used to healing._ She prayed those suspicions were wrong. _She didn’t want to be outed as a dragon in an elven realm._ Though she would likely get the death she deserved. _Oh._ Sakura blinked, realising why she was so terribly scared of dying again. _She didn’t want to go back to the Elemental Nations._ Her lives there had always had the same, painful ending – one rife with a betrayal she hadn’t thought she deserved. _Well, not the first time at least._

She deserved betrayal there – though it could hardly be called that. She was a creature of evil, whilst her soulmate was everything good. It would be merely justice and penance for her sins.

“Dragon?” she asked, unable to get another word out what with the pain she received for voicing that single word aloud.

“Slain,” Glorfindel replied shortly. “We have yet to reach Rivendell, where I hope we will find healing for you. If anyone should be capable of succeeding where Lindion has fallen short, then I have no doubts Lord Elrond will.” Silence hung heavy in the air between them for a few short moments, her fears and worries bubbling just beneath her skin. “Though I would ask of you not to aggravate your injures by overtaxing yourself so, whether that be by trying to move, or even, indeed, attempting to speak.”

Sakura, despite her reluctance to both obey orders and allow her soulmate to continue carrying her, could only settle her chin down on her shoulder, pastel pink hair working to hide her face as she tried to get comfy there.

She froze then, stiffening as she pulled an arm back, fingers closing around the hair colour she had chosen to leave behind years ago. It was strange to see it there, what with how careful she had been with here dye. _Of course._ Sakura yanked on a strand with a soft sigh. _After Fainbarad and Gilithien had… she had neglected her hair colouring, too caught up in grief, the terror and hope she discovered upon meeting her soulmate, and the dragon slaying with said soulmate._ Her latest tumble in the river had removed her subpar dye job, revealing her _unnatural_ hair colouring to the entire world. _To her oh so precious soulmate._

“I see now that your name comes from your colouring,” he said, having noticed her gaze on the strands of hair which had been a dark brown colour before, grey eyes flickering over her face as she remained a complete and utter deadweight upon his back. “Unique as it is…”

Sakura huffed – and even that was a rather painful endeavour, so she closed her eyes once more, wishing she could somehow go back and undo everything. _Or at least run away after her now slain kin had sacked the village she had lived in, if only to prevent her from ever coming into contact with her blasted soulmate and his kin._ She wanted more time, if only to right more of her wrongs before the sword fell once more and cast her from that world.

_There could be no other fate for a monster such as her._

“How far?” she croaked out, ignoring the sharp, stern glance directed her way. _Because she was obstinate and continued to speak despite Glorfindel’s orders not to._ She probably deserved the pain. _She was a monster and she was deceiving them – why else would they be carrying her straight into an elven realm?_

“We are not far out from our destination,” Glorfindel informed her, proving he was evidently well versed in the ways of understanding what information she wished to know despite her few words spoken. “Verily you have slept long, understandable given your injuries, though I feared you may not wake for a while yet – until we reached Rivendell perhaps.”

Dimly, Sakura wondered just how long she had slept – though the rumble in her stomach told her it had undoubtedly been a while since she had last eaten. _But dragons could go for long periods without consuming sustenance._ She hoped her constitution hadn’t caused any wonder or suspicion. Indeed, her hair colouring was probably causing enough of a stir as it was, and Sakura didn’t want anything else pegging her out as _unnatural_ , as a dragon wearing human skin. The fact she hadn’t been able to be healed through the usual methods was bad enough.

She found herself missing the conversation which had once flown between them all too smoothly as she became accustomed and oddly comforted by the constant pace of his footsteps, the air between them thick and silent, her mind buzzing with thoughts and hatred for herself and her situation. Fear curled in her gut at the thought of discovery. Her soulmate would hardly carry her if he knew who she was to him. If he came to learn what she had done to his people in an age long passed.

Sakura closed her eyes, screwing them shut tightly as she tried to block out the whispers from that _traitorous_ voice in the very depths of her mind.

_Coward._

_Unworthy._

_Wretched monster._


	13. I won't be a grain of sand

The warmth there was nice, a reminder of everything she could never have, and Sakura sorely wished it were anyone bar her soulmate carrying her into an elven realm. Maybe then she would have been able to make them drop her so she could vanish. _Maybe down that ravine she’d spotted a few hours back._ She choked on her laughter, wincing as pain throbbed through her ribs yet again. Part of her missed her own healing abilities, diminished and destroyed as they were in that world. It was only to be expected – she was a monster of ruin and destruction. Hands which destroyed life could hardly heal it so. She doubted anyone could really heal her in that place. Her soul itself was twisted, warped into something she hated and loved for some strange reason. Indeed, she had probably become far too used to the nature of her unnatural self. Though it was that same unnaturalness which meant she would be abandoned by her wonderful, perfectly good soulmate. The same soulmate who was carrying her so carefully into a place of healing and hope.

Sakura was under no delusions though. He only felt _so_ connected to her due to the connection sparked between them of which he had no knowledge of. If he knew of the truth she would undoubtedly be abandoned quicker than she could blink. _A fate she no doubt deserved._ Still, she didn’t want the modicum of wretched happiness and hope she had found to be snuffed out just yet. It was so terribly selfish of her. Glorfindel deserved so much better. But she was a selfish monster, and she always wanted what she couldn’t have. _What she didn’t deserve to have._

Her eyes cracked open just a fraction, a soft sigh escaping her lips as she basked in the odd contentedness from being near her soulmate. She wondered if he felt the same. _But if he did, then that would mean he’d worked it out…_ Sakura was under no illusions that her soulmate hated her thanks to her past actions. She was terrible. She was horrible.

_And her soulmate would eventually figure that much out._

Her heart ached at the thought, and she despised her nature as she shifted her weight on his back, far too aware of those golden locks barely a millimetre away. Never before had she wanted to nuzzle into something like that before. _Stupid soulmates and the unwitting attractions they had to each other._ She wanted to leech off that warmth and comfort, like the parasite she was, but she couldn’t. Not without inadvertently revealing things.

His footsteps stopped then, rather abruptly too, and Sakura could only blink and lift her head as best she could in order to get a glimpse of _why_ Glorfindel had stopped walking. Silently, she prayed it was no dragon which had stopped them in their tracks.

Surprisingly enough, it wasn’t, and rather than the sight of one of her kin, she was met with a view of the valley which housed the elven settlement. Which meant she should have already been within the protections of the elven realm. Those always extended past the boundaries of the built up settlement. There should have been protections pushing at her evil, a prickle upon her skin as she fought to gain access. _Sakura didn’t understand why they weren’t._ Unless they were faulty or down for maintenance – if that indeed ever happened. Those were the only explanations for why she couldn’t feel the scorn of the elves upon her and her kin.

Her head settled on Glorfindel’s shoulder, eyes fixed on their destination which was now well within sight, heart thudding violently in her chest as she felt herself being dragged closer and closer towards her inevitable doom. She didn’t want to venture any further into the elven realm which was quickly beginning not to make sense.

All too soon though, she found herself in the courtyard, the main entry point for guests of the elven realm of _Imladris_ or so Sakura presumed as she clung to her soulmate’s back and fervently wished to be anywhere but there. No one listened to those prayers of hers though, and she could only stiffen as figures emerged from within the _home._

The first was distinctly male, long, dark hair spilling down well past his shoulders, beauty and age-old wisdom evident on his face – such was the way of elves – but it was his eyes which unnerved Sakura so. _Because they were familiar to her in a way she couldn’t quite place. She had seen eyes like those before, and she couldn’t mistake them, because—_

Sakura wasn’t too sure why that was so. Frowning, she allowed herself to continue leaning against her soulmate’s shoulder, concealing the wince as her ribs _and literally the entirety of her body_ ached and twinged with pain. She felt as though she were one big bruise. Yet she doubted she would heal at anything bar a slow pace, what with elven healing methods unlikely to reach that twisted soul of hers and encourage its healing. She doubted that even this _Elrond_ fellow whom Glorfindel held in high regard would be able to encourage her body to heal. Her skin changed, and that meant her body was different, and she had little doubts that meant it would be that much harder to heal. She was unnatural. _A monster,_ that snide voice reminded, and Sakura closed her eyes.

Languidly, she blinked, gaze then flickering over to the other three figures who had joined the first. _His wife and two sons, or so she presumed._ The two sons were just as dark-haired as their presumed father, both having inherited his colouring and eyes going from the looks of things. But the softness and the roundedness of some of their features – those were things she could see reflected in the elleth’s face.

Silvery hair spilled out, braids lovingly woven with those silver locks, a fresh white flower tucked behind her ear. She was lovely. Sakura could admit that much, and her heart burned with jealousy – because those were soulmates standing before her, united and so very in love with each other. It was something she would never have. _And of course she would be jealous, like the evil, spiteful creature of horror and flame she was._ Those emotions suited her. They had to. _Because she was a monster._

Never before had she wished as much to be anything else. _What would she have given to have the form of a beautiful elf untainted by Melkor and his machinations…_ Maybe then she could have found the _love_ she had been searching for in her last life. It wasn’t to be though, and Sakura was stuck with the lot she had drawn. One which could only end in heartbreak and pain.

She was ready for that though. She had to be. _Otherwise she didn’t know what would become of her._ Fear curled in her belly, thick and hot, and she screwed her eyes shut as the first elf both introduced himself and welcomed them to Imladris. Sakura kept her eyes shut, half of her simply wanting to spend the rest of her time in the elven realm in the bliss of unconsciousness. _Maybe then she wouldn’t feel the killing blow…_ Her teeth sunk into her lip and bit down, almost drawing blood when Glorfindel started walking once more. _Towards the inevitable reveal of her true nature and the swift demise of herself which would follow._

Her heart felt as though it were beating loud enough to be audible to everyone as she found herself carried inside the cool building. It was a nice relief from the sticky heat of summer outside, but Sakura couldn’t focus on too much past her _certain_ fast-approaching doom. She didn’t want to bee healed. The pain was deserved. _A little penance to make up for her past sins, and so she deserved to languish in pain for a while yet._

“Lindion attempted to heal my companion here,” Glorfindel spoke, and blearily, Sakura opened her eyes to find her soulmate walking alongside the _Lord Elrond_ who had so recently been introduced to her. “Though it was soon learned that his attempts were not to succeed,” her soulmate continued, and she barely hid the flinch when she met _those grey eyes which stirred up something inside her._ Ones which didn’t cut her the way her soulmate’s did, and yet…

“’m fine,” she grumbled, not wishing for another attempt and failure at healing her battered body. _Not wishing for there to be a chance of success and consequently a reveal of her dragonish nature before her very soulmate himself._

“I believe you ought to be able to succeed where he failed,” Glorfindel continued smoothly _as though she hadn’t spoken at all._ Her eyebrow twitched somewhat. “Lothien here has been most helpful on our venture.”

“You call the feat of dragon slaying a mere venture?” Elrond murmured, snorting softly, a tired fondness to his voice as he spoke. “Though if your companion here has indeed helped in returning you home to us once more, then I will gladly see to injuries Lindion himself could not heal.”

“I did not doubt you would,” Glorfindel said, and Sakura knew he was smiling then. That soft smile which felt like it tore her heart in two, what with how it made her want something she could never ever have. Silence fell for but a moment, the air growing heavier with a tension Sakura couldn’t quite place.

“You cannot keep up this reckless pursuit, Glorfindel.” His words were harsher then, lined with authority, and Sakura could only blink slowly as her rather fried and frazzled brain tried to keep up with everything which was going on. “Do you not wish to find peace from the shadow your soulmate has cast upon you?”

Sakura shifted guiltily on her soulmate’s back, raising an eyebrow then – one of the few things she could actually do without causing herself further pain. “I am finding peace,” Glorfindel remarked, and Sakura screwed her eyes shut, all too aware that his next words would likely hurt. _She deserved it though._ “I cannot see any other reason to have been given such a soulmark if I were not meant to slay them so.”

Her heart only ached that much more, a soft sigh escaping her as a door was pushed open, and she wondered why they had been talking about Glorfindel’s soulmark so blatantly when the Lord Elrond fellow knew not of her knowledge of the name her soulmate carried upon his back. Her eyes cracked open once more, and she barely had time to take in the clean, neat, guest room before she was being set down so very gently on white sheets. _Which would soon be ruined by how very dirty she was._ That was always the case though, for those sheets and the rest of the world too. She dirtied things by simply existing.

“Please do stop trying to move about,” Glorfindel said, grey eyes boring into her acrid green ones then as she made to sit up. His hand was there on her shoulder, pressing down ever so gently, mindful of her injuries, and yet so very unmovable. “You are here to be healed, not to make your injuries worsen, Lothien.”

Sakura merely grunted, discontent and yet weirdly content with simply staying put as were his orders. _It made very little sense, but then again he was her soulmate._ There was so much about that which didn’t make sense. “I’ll be fine with some rest,” she grumbled, wincing ever so slightly at the blatant scoff her soulmate let out.

“And horses can fly,” Glorfindel said tartly, earning a raised eyebrow from her at the indignant tone there.

“Hey!” she hissed, wincing then as her chest throbbed then, and she squirmed at the pointed look he sent her way. Ripping her eyes away from where they were fixed on those grey ones like magnets, she turned her head to one side. “I’ve had worse and still survived,” she muttered then, gritting her teeth at the memories of that sparking hand ripping through her chest, tearing her heart out. She had always survived that, even if it had resulted in her waking up in a new land. _Which she had caused no small amount of grief._

His stare bore into her then, eyes feeling as though they were burning her like the flames from her mouth had once burnt those of his kin, and Sakura didn’t dare to move about under that gaze. She could barely breathe. At least until she felt her shirt being undone to reveal the extent of the damage done. _And her chest bindings had evidently been removed in one of her earlier attempts at treatment._ Not that nudity particularly bothered her. _Even if it was her soulmate._ They were all either warriors or healers, meaning they had seen those kinds of things plenty of times.

Her chest was a pattern of black and blue, parts of her skin looking purplish and sickly in places – the result of her kin’s tail slamming into her. _Though she had her chakra to soften the block, otherwise her ribs might have caved in_. “I do not know whether carrying you made this worse or better,” Glorfindel murmured, eyes fixed on her injuries, a frown and slight gasp cutting off whatever else he had to say. His hand seemed to move of its own volition, and Sakura realised what had stolen his attention even before his finger brushed against the old scar. He traced the fractal patterns around the sickly white jagged scar from where Sasuke’s hand had sliced through her chest. Grey eyes met hers then, confusion, fear, and concern hidden in their depths.

_Because it was a scar from an injury which no human could have survived._ She hadn’t survived as such, so much as died and been dragged into that world, and there and back once more after more deaths. _She wondered what thoughts were running through that pretty head of his._

“Glorfindel!” Elrond spoke sharply, and Sakura was abruptly reminded that the scar in question was mostly focused over her heart and spread somewhat across the tiny things she called breasts. There was a matching scarring on her back she knew, which would have been only slightly more appropriate for her soulmate to be touching _while having no sort of relationship with her, as he never would, because he could never know the truth about the soulmark on her arm._

He blinked then, and Sakura took the slightest amount of odd pleasure in seeing his cheeks turn a burnished shade of red, seemingly returning to his senses. His hand was pulled away then, wits finally gathered about him, pointed ears burning with colour, and he turned on his heel. “Forgive my curiosity, Lothien,” he mumbled. “I will return later,” he said, quickly excusing himself and exiting the room.

Sakura snorted, wincing in the next second as her chest twinged once more, pain throbbing through her. “Idiot,” she muttered, hating how very _fond_ she sounded in that instant. She wasn’t meant to sound so very fond of her soulmate. He hated her real name, a blight upon his pale skin, the inky markings as black as her scales had been. Dark as the shadows she longed to hide herself away in.

“Wounds such as these,” Elrond murmured, a frown marring his brow then, “grievous as they are, should not have been beyond Lindion’s skill.” Sakura could only smile humourlessly at his words. The fault lay not with the elf’s skill, rather with her twisted body and soul. Though she was hardly going to admit to that – being wrong and unnatural, a being made of fire, sorcery, and a once-human soul who no longer had a claim to humanity. Sakura dimly wondered if shinobi could even be called human in the first place.

Closing her eyes, she sighed quietly, listening as the elf wove songs of healing about her, for all the good it did. _Her true name was not Lothien in that world, rather it was merely a name she had taken herself rather than the one which had been given unto her in those lands. Those whispers not urging her body nor soul to heal._ She doubted they could truly _heal_ and revert from the changes Melkor had woven in her himself.

Dimly, part of her wished her true name was Lothien. It would have been so much more simple if that had truly been the name. She wouldn’t have caused her soulmate half as much grief as she had. But Lothien was merely the name she took to conceal her old one. A name reminiscent of the one she had born in the Elemental Nations. She had a different name in different lands, and it was unchanging through her subsequent incarnations in either world.

Sakura sighed softly as she lay there, the songs fading away as Lord Elrond finally figured they were having no impact whatsoever. _She was a dragon. The healing of the elves was not meant for her. Just as the protections of the elven dwelling were not for her._ “Save your breath,” she said then, staring up at the ceiling then, not wanting to meet those grey eyes which unnerved her so. _So just. So righteous. Burning with a fire within, and not the sort she breathed out._ “There will be those who need it more,” she mumbled. _There would be those who deserved healing that much more than her._

“It should be working,” Elrond mumbled, his touch featherlight against one of her numerous bruises. She winced still, proof his songs of healing had done naught to convince her body to heal. “I cannot understand why you show not even the slightest signs of healing…”

She closed her eyes then, a sigh escaping her. “Your songs will not work on me,” she said, wishing he would hurry up and leave her alone to brood and suffer as she ought to.

“You know,” he said sharply, and Sakura’s eyes snapped back open, wide as they met the grey ones which bore into her acrid green ones with a terrifying intensity. _Familiar._ Sakura barely resisted the urge to frown at that thought. _What was it about the elf which set her on edge so? Because he was the one in the position most likely to discover her real nature?_ Her heart thudded in her chest like the beats of the wings of a hummingbird. “You know why you are not healing…”

Sakura cursed the perceptive nature of elves so, gritting her teeth together and clicking her tongue with a hiss. “It doesn’t matter,” she grumbled, turning her head away pointedly. “I will just have to heal via more _mundane_ means.”

Elrond closed his eyes, and Sakura was oh so grateful to escape those cutting grey eyes which bore into her in such a different way to her soulmate’s own. “Then I will find some more mundane means to aid in your recovery,” he spoke softly. _So unlike how one was meant to speak to a dragon._ But her heart felt lighter then, even as he vanished from the room to find a more appropriate measure for enabling her recovery.


	14. watchin' every minute fall through

Mundane means, as Sakura discovered, were every bit as mundane as their name suggested. The scent of the paste coating her skin beneath the bandages was strong, and altogether rather hard to ignore. It didn’t help that her sense of smell was naturally a little better than the average human. _Ah, the joys of being a dragon amidst people who despised them so._ Laughter escaped her then in the quietness of the room she had been given for her stay there. She had barely managed to escape the Halls of Healing, though someone would be along to change her bandages periodically and reapply the herbal remedy which was meant to be speeding her healing process along. Though, in all honesty, Sakura knew she would be staying there for quite a while. _She hated it._

A knock on the door had her stirring from the abyss of boredom and bone-deep fear which was eating at her every minute longer she stayed there. Part of her couldn’t help but wonder whether she would be consumed by it, or otherwise, unwittingly reveal herself as the monster she was. Blankly, she stared at the door, wondering if _Lord_ Elrond was back to once more attempt to heal her, discover why she couldn’t be healed, or otherwise pepper her with questions regarding that. He was a healer at heart, and the fire in his eyes spoke of his passion for that. Sakura tilted her head, thoughts stirring unbidden. _There had been fire in those other grey eyes too, though for something other than healing._ Pain pulsed through her temples, and she grunted as the door clicked open.

Sakura barely resisted the urge to curse colourfully in every language she knew – which was a lot by that point in time. Dragons had to sound somewhat cultured to back up their arrogance before they decided to burn intruders or enemies to cinders. And it was that same _disgusting_ part of her which rose up, greed bubbling up in her belly at the sight of those golden locks as he entered the room. Grey eyes met her acrid green ones, and Sakura felt oh so terribly sick. She wanted to hide. She wanted to run far, far away from Imladris and all the accursed elves who lived there. The ones who would condemn her and kill her should they know of the name she bore upon her arm. _Because her true name there was scrawled across her soulmate’s back, and everyone of seeming importance there knew of the monster’s name written in ink of the same colouring as her scales had once been._ As her scales still were – because, like it or not, she was a dragon still, and there was no way she could stop being one.

“Good morning,” he said cheerfully, and it took a few moments for her to muster the will to smile. _He could never suspect anything, and that meant she had to smile._ “Perchance are you feeling up for a walk?” her soulmate asked, blissfully unaware of how he made her heart ache. “You must rest, yes, but it likewise does no good to have you lie down for hour after hour.” Sakura blinked, feeling as though she had to be staring at the personification of summer and joy himself _How could he smile at her like that?_ Her eyes fell to the ground, shame curling in her gut then. _Of course it was because he didn’t know, and he could never know._ “Lothien?” Glorfindel murmured, crouching down at her bedside then, and Sakura felt sick as she met those _grey-grey_ eyes and saw the concern in them. Truly, she was a horrid trickster – a deceiver. Only a monster could have deceived and lied to their summery, bright soulmate who represented all things good and just in the world.

“Morning?” Her voice sounded terribly flat and lifeless even to her own ears, and she wanted nothing more than to hide beneath her covers and shut the world out. _Was it too much to ask for everything to stop?_ Even if only for a moment, she would take that moment of silence and stillness over everything else. _There was silence in that space between death and life,_ her mind whispered traitorously, and Sakura could scarcely believe she was playing with the idea of simply spilling her guts and dying by her soulmate’s hand. It would be a terribly fitting end, and who knew? _Maybe it would get rid of that shadow which lurked over her soulmate’s heart._ She ought to have helped with that, she knew, but fear and cowardice were but old friends by that point, lingering there, just out of sight, whispering sweet nothings to her. She just didn’t want him to hate her, nor did she want to go back to the Elemental Nations. _She didn’t want to be called faulty again, nor did she want anymore betrayal. Not from Sasuke at least._ If Glorfindel betrayed her… well… Sakura doubted she could call it a betrayal. She was the one who had betrayed him first, by merely being a twisted creature of flame, sorcery, and darkness itself.

“Lothien?” His eyebrows drew together then, concern marring his forehead as a crinkle appeared between his brows. _She didn’t deserve his concern._ “What is the matter?” he asked, and Sakura wanted to sob. Urges rose in her unbidden, brought to the surface by the hope which curled like a whisper within her, barely there yet still present. She wanted nothing more than to simply bury her head in his chest and cry and whisper her apologies which would never erase that which she had done. No simple _sorry_ could make up for the monster that she was. _It was foolishness – perhaps madness – to think that it could._ “Dear friend, will you not tell me what ails you so? Do you wish for me to fetch a healer? Is your chest perhaps hurting? We do not have to go for a walk. If you would prefer to remain in your room there is no harm in doing so,” Glorfindel spoke, his words hushed and oh so gentle. _She didn’t deserve gentleness. Monsters never did._ He stood then, and Sakura wasn’t sure what flight of fancy overcame her as her hand lashed out faster than she thought possible. _Faster than she could stop._ Her fingers curled in the white fabric of the tunic he wore, and her brain couldn’t get her to let go. _It was illogical._ Though then again, matters of the heart often were. _She was being so very foolish. So very selfish._ Yet she couldn’t stop herself. “Lothien?” He was crouched at her side once more.

Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, and Sakura lurched forwards, burying her head in his chest as she had wished to. _It was such a stupid thing to do._ She knew he hated her, though he didn’t know it was her he hated. _She would only wind up hurt._ She knew she deserved that pain. Maybe that was why she was so eager to bury herself in his embrace. _Oh how she craved that warmth from those arms which hesitantly came up around her, mindful of the slightly lighter bruising on her back._ She knew he was so very confused over her actions right then and there. Maybe things would only make sense after the truth had come out, or perhaps he would come to think of it as just another of her deceptions. Only time would tell on that, but Sakura hated how the whispers of hope in her belly stirred. “How can you call me a friend?” she asked, the words slipping from her lips choked thick with tears. _How could he call the soulmate he so despised a friend?_

“You are a wonderful woman, Lothien,” he said then, chest vibrating against her cheek as he spoke, his hands patting ever so gently at her back. _She wasn’t a woman. She was a dragon. She didn’t deserve his gentleness._ “Wise and so very canny, enough to match a dragon,” Glorfindel continued, heedless of the fresh tears that brought to her eyes at the reminder that she was a creature of fire and death. _A beast of ruin who belonged on the side other to his._ “I do not know who would not wish to call you a friend, and I hope it was not too forward of me to call you as such.”

A sob burst from her lips then, a wail escaping her as hands came up, fingers digging into his back as she clung to him so desperately. _It was disgusting._ “I’m sorry,” she whispered, the words almost lost on her cries, but elven ears were oh so very sharp, and he stiffened beneath her desperate grasp upon him. Her eyes were throbbing, and Sakura knew they would betray her true nature should she meet his oh so very kind grey eyes right then and there. So she tightened her arms around him, hiding her _shameful_ face away from his searching gaze as the words tumbled from her like the waters of a waterfall. “I’m sorry.” _That I’m deceiving you._ “I’m sorry.” _That you have to be bound to someone like me._ “I’m sorry.” _That I can never be that which you long for._ “I’m sorry.” _That I cast such a long shadow over you._ “I’m sorry.” _That I’m such a coward._

Sakura wasn’t quite sure how long they spent, with her buried in his embrace, but her eyes were stiff by the time they dried, and her back hurt from the awkward position she had found herself in when she clung to him like he was a lifeline. Embarrassment and shame tinted her cheeks pink when she finally pulled away, her eyes no longer fully green and her pupils slitted no more. Her ears burnt, and she kept her gaze fixed on her feet, fear rolling over her skin like the scales she had once borne. _She was so terribly weak, and she made for a terrible monster and an even more terrible soulmate._ Her mouth felt dry, her body feeling drained as she sat there. She was horribly sore from how long she had spent simply sitting there.

“Do you wish to go for a walk now?” Glorfindel asked, his musical voice slicing through the dead silence which had fallen after her tears had dried. _She had made a mess of his tunic, just as she had his boots what felt like months ago._ It had been days at most. Sakura wondered why it felt like so much more time had passed than what actually had. “To take your mind off of… things…” he trailed off, the offer hanging in the balance then.

She already knew she was oh so terribly weak to her soulmate and his wishes, and so she was barely surprised when her head moved of its own volition, nodding weakly as she sat there, staring at her toes. _She looked so very human._ Her lip curled as she caught sight of herself in the mirror off to one side. _Her features were so terribly delicate, heart-shaped face, bow-shaped lips, eyes just shy of being a touch too large, their colouring an unearthly shade of green. Pink hair only completed that look._ That human _shell_ she wore seemed so very delicate. _So very unearthly, and there was an unfortunate beauty in that._ Especially with the bandages she was wrapped in. She looked dainty. _Like a strong breeze could blow her away._ Though a cloak was quickly fastened over her, and she pulled those pastel pink, _deceiving_ locks out from under it. Dimly, she wondered what her soulmate saw whenever he looked at her. _Did he see the monster wearing such a pretty skin to conceal the lies and the dirt beneath?_ A soft, hopeless smile pulled at her lips. _Of course he didn’t. He would have despised her if he was that perceptive._

It was so wrong of her to want his love. She couldn’t covet something which could never be hers, and Sakura swore to keep her urges more under control as his hand took her own. She couldn’t weave her fingers in those golden locks, nor could she cut a few strands free and keep them under her pillow for her to lie upon. _Bloody dragon instincts._ Oh how she longed to hoard gold, especially that belonging to her soulmate. Everything about him was oh so golden, and Sakura was terribly content to simply bask in that aura. Though that would turn against her when the truth came out, as the secret truths always did. “Were you injured at all when you fought my—that second dragon?” she asked, fear nipping at her heels as she barely refrained from calling that dragon her _kin._ Sakura barely refrained from cursing and slamming her head into the nearest wall. She blamed her injuries and her unfortunate _all too willing_ proximity to her soulmate. _Those always made each other do stupid things what with that magnetic pull that even she – the worst possible soulmate in the entire world – could feel._ She wondered if his eyes, too, were drawn to her.

“I came away with but a scratch,” Glorfindel said, mirth lighting up his expression briefly before his eyes flickered to her chest concealed by bandages and the cloak. _His cloak, or so she suspected, based off the underlying scent set upon it. Plus there was the way it swamped her so completely._ It made her look so much smaller. He was taller than her by far. _And wasn’t that ironic, considering that which she was known for?_ It almost made her want to burst into laughter, but Glorfindel was already looking at her in concern, and she didn’t particularly want to make that worse. _It would only stab yet another dagger into her already bleeding heart._ “You were by far the most injured, which might have been surprising, had I not already realised how very forthright and stubborn you are.”

“Obstinate, I believe, is the word you are searching for,” she mumbled then, hissing then as pain spiked in her ribs, and she slowed her pace then.

“Indeed,” Glorfindel murmured, and Sakura hated and loved the arm which hovered behind her back then, ready to catch her should she fall. _Part of her wanted to. The same part which hungered for that which had eluded her in all of her previous lifetimes._ Love was such a difficult thing to find, even with the names of soulmates emblazoned on skin. Sakura doubted she would ever be worthy of love. She had lost her right to feel that after everything she had burnt and ruined in her blind anger. _In the way she had blamed and hurt the rest of the world for a boy’s betrayal._ “Though my dear obstinate friend might better yet slow down, lest she wish to injure herself _again_ ,” he said, and Sakura snorted once more – wincing seconds later at the sharp pain which throbbed through her chest. “And it seems as though I ought to endeavour not to make you laugh.”

Sakura only smiled that time. “It certainly seems that way…” she mumbled, heart aching at that brilliant grin she received. It hurt so very much, and Sakura played with the idea that he _knew_ how much it hurt her so. She wouldn’t mind if he did. Pain was no less than she deserved. _But Glorfindel wasn’t her._ He wasn’t cruel like she was. He was her opposite. _And opposites were meant to attract, weren’t they?_ Maybe if it weren’t good and evil, death and life, and the like… Maybe then… But there was no use in mulling over lost possibilities. She was what she was. _A monster._ Nothing could change that, no matter how long she mulled on that thought. “Though I am used to pain by now,” she whispered, staring off into the distance, far away from those _grey-grey_ eyes which cut into her so. They felt like they stared through the human skin she wore to reveal the face of the monster which lurked beneath.

“That is hardly something to be proud of,” he said, a frown pulling at his lips, and Sakura couldn’t help but wonder what she was to him in that instant. _Surely friends weren’t like what they were acting as in that instant?_ “For it means you have been injured far too many a times.” She met those eyes which transfixed her so then, swallowing at the myriad of emotions swirling within them. “Tell me,” Glorfindel said, curiosity evidently getting the better of him right then and there, “how did that scar on your chest come to be? Is that what you speak of when you say you are so used to pain?”

“This,” Sakura murmured, hand going to rest over heart then, hairs on end as she remembered that crackle – that chirping like a thousand birds – and the squelch and snap of bone as that pale white hand ripped through her chest. “This…” Her voice shook, face turning a chalky shade of white along with the rest of her as she remembered how much she had loved that boy. _How she had thought he would never do such a thing…_ Her hands shook as she remembered her first death. _And the warping fire and sorcery which had twisted her very soul into that which she was to that very day._

“Lothien.” Hands took her own into larger ones, wrapping them within the warmth. The same warmth which reminded her of how she wasn’t yet a cooling corpse. _It was probably just a matter of time._ She deserved death. “I did not mean to bring up unpleasant memor—”

“I loved him,” she whispered, traitorous tears building in her eyes.

Those _grey-grey_ eyes widened, and his fingers let her own drop as one hand went to brush briefly over that old scar marking. “Your soulmate did such a harm to you?” he asked, voice trembling with an emotion Sakura couldn’t quite place.

She shook her head. “No. It was someone else… back when my arm was still blank,” she mumbled, barely paying heed to the words spilling from her lips. _Why had she told him the location of that damning name on her skin?_ “My soulmate would never do such a thing,” she whispered, swaying on her feet as the world spun. “He’s everything good… everything I’m not… everything I wish I could have been for him…”

“Lothien,” his voice came in crystal clarity then, and Sakura blinked weakly up at him. _She hated her own weakness. She hated the name Uchiha Sasuke._ “I am going to bring you back inside now,” he said, and she only hummed as her centre of gravity shifted. _His arms were so very warm._ Dimly, she was aware of resting her head against his _warm_ shoulder, the many halls of Imladris passing around them as her soulmate took her who knew where. _Sakura doubted she could care, even if he were carrying her to her death._

“Do you need me to fetch my father?” another voice broke through the haze and murkiness she found herself trapped within.

“I do not think that will be necessary,” Glorfindel said, and Sakura snuggled into that blissful warmth, wishing it could drive away the block of ice she could feel within her chest. _She felt so very cold. So very tired of everything right then and there._ “Though thank you for the consideration.”

“There is no need to,” that same voice rang out, and Sakura had yet to place it or even connect it to a name. _Probably someone she had yet to be introduced to._ “Everyone is all too aware of how attached you are to _your_ mortal.”

“She is but a dear friend, Elladan,” Glorfindel said then, and Sakura shifted within his hold, hoping she would soon be back in her room and able to bundle herself up within blankets.

“One you have known for but a matter of days,” Elladan replied. “Do you not find it odd how very attached you have grown to her within this time?” he asked, and Sakura couldn’t help but here the odd accusatory tone in his voice. _Did he know she was a dragon, and think she had her soulmate wrapped up within a spell?_

“We fought a dragon together,” her soulmate continued, heedless of whatever look the other elf was giving him. “She was magnificent, Elladan, and there was fire in her eyes when she stood, wrapped within the coils of that beast… How could I not concern myself with her welfare after such a sight? Not the least since I was meant to be the one in the main line of fire…”

Elladan sighed then. “Yet you know what happens to unwitting moths when they draw too close to the flame.”

Laughter rumbled in Glorfindel’s chest, and Sakura hummed quietly, liking the rich, rolling sound. _It was like music to her ears._ “You are a thousand years too young to warn me of that,” he said, and from the sounds of things, Sakura presumed the other took no offence. “I know what I am doing.”

Sakura could only sigh. _He didn’t._

_He wouldn’t be carrying her otherwise._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there are a few things which I guess you might say have... triggered me somewhat (I've finally discovered one for me!) - or they're at least things I wish to bring your attention to, given a few comments whether on the chapters or on bookmarks. I know some here have grasped how serious the topics I'm writing around are, and others haven't. I'm not sure if it's because of age, experiences, or other factors, but some of this what I'd call 'lack of awareness' is a bit galling to me.
> 
> Let me state this plainly, Sakura is perfectly fine with dying, and is terribly close to actively seeking for it (the only reason she doesn't is because she doesn't want to go back to the Elemental Nations after the hurt of her last life there, and that's only because she knows there's a high liklihood of her ending up there once more), and she is depressed and generally believing that she deserves to be in pain. Anyone know anything wrong with that sort of a mentality?
> 
> So, I'm now going to tell you some of my own history, and not for sympathy - but so you might understand why and how some comments have set me off a bit. Suicide and depression are some of the topics this work actually revolves around, in case Sakura's thoughts didn't tip you off, and to me it's rather ironic at the timing these comments have come in; because around this time of year, four years ago now, someone I hadn't spoken much to as of then, yet still classed as a friend, killed themselves. Suicide. I don't like to talk about it because it's very personal to me and makes me upset. It's not something to make light of, because even to this very day I still wonder if there was anything I could have done. Whether I could have reached out and made a difference - the liklihood of that being that no, I probably couldn't have changed anything, and yet I still wonder. But I'm getting off topic, and I don't particularly want to make myself cry right now, so I won't write or dwell on any more of what happened.
> 
> Depression is a dark spiral, and I have attempted to portray this in Sakura's thoughts. The way she often repeats similar things, though it might be 'annoying' to read (and this irritates me because of what I am trying to represent) is a part of this. She's trapped in a spiral of thoughts which are very negative about herself. Can you imagine being trapped in a cycle in which you constantly tell yourself you aren't worthy of even living or breathing? When you find it hard to wake up and tell yourself to get out of bed, and that there's actually a point to your life? The point is, it's a very bad state of mind to be in, and when people simply call it 'moping' or 'whining' every three seconds... well, that kind of gets to me. Depression isn't merely moping or whining. It's a lot more serious than that. This might only be a simple fanfiction, but I worry that people might say those kinds of things to a person who might genuinely be depressed. And could you guess what might happen if you tell someone you think they're whining or moping (pathetic, is basically what would be inferred) when they're in a spiral like that? 
> 
> I don't particularly want to think on that, but it's something you should be aware of. The things we do, and the things we say do have an impact on others. That's a fact. So I guess, given the sensitivity of what I'm writing, I'm asking if you could please not make light of things, given how your words affect me, and possibly others as well. 
> 
> Finally, I don't really want to single anyone out, but truthfully, this isn't the first time I've noticed a certain bookmark on my works and it's not the first time my portrayal of Sakura has been disliked by the same person. I can't simply make Sakura be 'less annoying' in this work, not the least because I don't find her genuine depreciation of herself, nor her wish for pain and punishment to be annoying. Not when the somewhat circular train of thoughts is crucial to this, and what I'm trying to portray. I'm glad you've found this work of mine to be interesting enough to read despite your dislike of actually quite a lot of the aspects of this, but I do pay attention to the bookmarks on my works, as well as what they say. I am fully aware of the fact not everyone will like my works, but I would ask that the person in question please be more mindful of how they say things and why certain things have been done the way they have. (Also on that story of mine you don't currently recommend, I did try to assuage your frustrations by mentioning stuff in the A/N on the end of chapter six given you might have missed the subtler changes what with me writing solely from the Sakura POV, and I'm not sure whether you read any of that note.)
> 
> If you read through all of that, thank you, and I hope I haven't scared any of you off of this work. This is actually probably the most I've written in an A/N, so thanks for your time, and I hope you enjoy the rest of what's to come.


	15. slippin' down the hour glass

She woke ever so slowly, eyes crusted with sleep as they opened languidly. She hated those eyes of her – that disgusting green colour they were. It only proved how very toxic she was to all life there. _Especially her soulmate’s._ Her stomach rumbled, and Sakura frowned at the steaming bowl of a creamy soup left on her bedside table. Someone had evidently just been there. She hoped it wasn’t her soulmate. Body feeling ever so heavy, she reached out for the tray, settling it on her lap before she stared out the open window, the gentle breeze brushing the curtains inwards. The soup was warm, just at the right temperature to eat, but Sakura couldn’t really taste the flavour. She supposed it was only natural that a dragon couldn’t taste the wonders of elven cooking. Sakura still ate though, because it had undoubtedly been a while since she had last, if the stars shining above were any indicator.

Frowning, she stared at that single _unfamiliar_ star, wondering why its light seemed so very familiar. A name felt as though it were on the tip of her tongue, but it was irrevocably stuck there as she tried to eat her sorrows away. _It didn’t work._ She probably didn’t even deserve to eat, especially that made by the hands of elves. _Yet still she did._ Bowl finished with, she set it back where it had been, bitter tears biting at her eyes. _Oh the events of earlier in the day had to have ruined everything._ She couldn’t get attached. _Of course not,_ the voice whispered to her then, reminding her of its nefarious presence. _You don’t deserve him._

Glorfindel didn’t deserve her and her numerous sins. He deserved someone good, _like he was._ She was everything evil and wrong, and she needed to vanish from that place. _From the world entirely more like,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura shrank in on herself. _What had she been thinking, trying to hide herself away in his arms?_ He wasn’t hers to have. He never would be. _So what flight of deluded madness had made her burying her head and weep into him?_ “Stupid,” she muttered, the word choking in her throat. _She was so very stupid._ But she supposed that was what soulmates did to one another.

_Whoever had paired them together, higher power or no, had to have been mistaken._ She couldn’t be a good soulmate. That was something she would never be. Her knees came up then, and she hugged them to her chest, hating the tears already trailing tracks down her cheeks. _He deserved so much better._ But then again, he had viewed her as something to be overcome. _Because that’s what monsters of scale and fang were to heroes of gold and summer._ Something to be overcome and defeated on the way to finding a happy ending. He would overcome her, or so Sakura hoped, and maybe then he could find someone…

Sakura didn’t quite know why that thought hurt her heart so. _She didn’t want a relationship like the ones soulmates had with anyone._ A smile curved at her lips, trembling and oh so very fake. _Liar,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura could only bury her face in her knees and hate herself and her oh so very contradictory nature so. _It was so very weak of her._ If she wasn’t as pathetic and cowardly as she was, then she would have explained herself to her soulmate and then given him the blade needed to slice her throat open and end her life. The thought of doing that made her feel like something was shrivelling up and dying inside. But how else was she supposed to face the consequences of her actions, other than death?

But what would come after death? Sakura shivered at the thought of returning to the Elemental Nations – of that pale white hand chirping and crackling as it ploughed through her chest. _And what would happen after she died once more in the Elemental Nations?_ Her throat felt so terribly dry, and she scrambled for the glass of water left by some _kind_ and _thoughtful_ elf no doubt. _So much kinder and thoughtful than herself._ But then what could one expect of a dragon? Kindness wasn’t in her nature, but cruelty was, and she could be so very cruel. _Like with how she was tormenting her soulmate so by pretending to be friends with him. By pretending to be a harmless human. By pretending to be a good person rather than the vile evil being she truly was._

“I’m sorry,” she whispered to the still night air, hugging her knees that much tighter as her chest grew cold like she had dived into ice cold waters. Try as she might, she could never forget that coldness – that feeling of warm blood spilling from her chest, and the icy clutches of death coming up to pull her down into the darkness _where monsters were made._ “I’m sorry,” she mumbled, feeling like a broken record by that point in time, repeating the same words _as though they would change a damned thing._

_Pathetic,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura muffled the sob that slipped from her lips. She knew she was so terribly pathetic. She always had been just that; chasing after Sasuke like he was an object, turning her rage on everyone bar the person who it should have been turned on, becoming a monster in nature and name, chasing after people who were not meant to be hers… Truly, she was so very pathetic. _She hated it._

_So very pathetic,_ the voice repeated, and Sakura snarled.

“Shut up,” she whispered. _She didn’t need to be told that which she knew for a fact._ It was impossible to forget how very pathetic, dirty, and evil she was. But that voice in the back of her head never listened to her, and Sakura curled in on herself as her mind whispered truths to herself. Ones she didn’t want to hear because she couldn’t refute them. She didn’t dare, because they were true, so very true and damning.

Her chest throbbed then, and Sakura frowned down, noting the cloak she still wore. _Even after having been tucked into bed like a squalling infant._ How very embarrassing… Her hands curled into fists. _How very pathetic…_ Frown morphing into a scowl, she pried herself free from the comfortable blankets and sheets, the urge – the need – to clear her head overcoming her and she wrenched the door to her room open with more force than what was strictly necessary. She didn’t make it more than two steps before she bumped into something warm, solid, and terribly familiar.

Sakura looked up to find her soulmate staring down at her hesitantly, and abruptly wished she had stayed and barricaded herself inside her room.

* * *

“Are you feeling well enough to be on your feet?” Glorfindel asked, and Sakura stared at her feet and nodded slowly. She despised herself so very much. In fact, she ought to have just vanished. _It wasn’t like she couldn’t use chakra to jump from great heights, like the window in her room, and then it would be just a matter of using the shadows and stepping silently to escape the clutches of Imladris and her soulmate who resided in that territory._ So why hadn’t she?

_Pathetic,_ her mind echoed, and Sakura wholeheartedly agreed with the sentiments.

“Is there a verbal answer to go along with that, or does your chest hurt too much?” he questioned, and Sakura felt her shoulders slump at the requirement to answer him with her voice. _With her thick voice which might sound as though it were choked with tears and prompt questions she couldn’t answer._

“I’m fine,” she said, voice barely above a whisper, and Sakura rubbed at the sleep clogging up her eyes, careful to brush the tears threatening to fall away with it. “You do not need to worry about me.” _He could throw her away then and wash his hands of her so their threads of fate didn’t become anymore intertangled._ Not that Sakura really believed in such a thing as fate. There would be no sort of happy ending for a monster. Fairy-tales proved that too often.

“How could I not be when the majority of the damage was caused by you coming between me and our foe at that time?” Glorfindel spoke, and Sakura only wanted to bury her head and weep yet again. Or better yet, spill all her secrets and have him kill her where she stood. _So very pathetic._ Sakura shivered despite the warm cloak wrapped around her shoulders. The same one which very likely belonged to the elf before her. _She should really give it back._ But she had claimed it as part of her odd hoard she had going on. _One which revolved around one thing she would never be able to have or to hold._

Sakura opened her mouth, before closing it quietly, unable to think of a good response to that – to send him away before she could indulge in her selfish wish to grow closer to him. _Closer to her soulmate._ It was funny how much having a name written on her skin had affected her. She could hardly remember a time when his name hadn’t been there. _In the first life which had sparked everything off_. Lifetime number three was definitely the most vivid out of them all. _Especially the way she had been killed._ Maybe because that had been the trigger to spark all of her memories of the _bloody_ past?

She didn’t think she deserved her fourth life.

She didn’t know whether the cycle would continue should she die right then and there.

“Why is it”—a gentle touch at her cloaked arm stirred her gaze from the ground—“whenever I come across you, you always seem so very sad?” His smile was so very warm. Something she could lose herself in. “I do hope my presence is not upsetting for you…” There was something to his gaze then, and Sakura felt shame wash around in the pit of her belly. _Because she remembered those cruel words she had spoken to him which explained so much more than they ought to._

“No,” she said quickly. _He couldn’t be upsetting to people, because he was everything good and right._ She probably didn’t count as a person anymore. She was a monster. _But even if she did count…_ It was just her fault for being so very pathetic, cowardly, and weak. “Not you. Never you.” Her arms came up then, wrapping around herself as though she could thaw that block of ice which had taken residence up in her chest.

“Then I can take heart in that,” he said merrily, _as though his words had never broken that wretched, still beating thing inside her chest which longed for a love she would never have._ “You have slept long enough for the sun’s light to fade,” Glorfindel continued, and Sakura risked a glance out of the nearest window. “The stars are so very beautiful at this time of year.”

Sakura nodded, blindly following after him as he guided her somewhere new. _She was so very weak to the ministrations and whims of her soulmate._ Her feet were bare by then, shoes left in her room after her nap, but a layer of chakra prevented the chill from nipping at her toes too much. It was oddly cold at night, despite the summery season. Sakura wondered if the ice frozen over her heart had anything to do with it. “I never really appreciated beauty all that much when I was… younger,” she murmured as she found herself in a little green courtyard. The grass was so very cold under her feet, yet not damp or muddy in the slightest, which she supposed she ought to be grateful for. She would only make herself that much more of a nuisance if she tracked mud all around the halls of Imladris.

“Few do when they are so very young,” Glorfindel said, blissfully ignorant to the fact she had been referencing the few centuries she had spent in dragon form. _Dragons did take a terrible long time to grow._ “Though if you appreciate the beauty now, then what harm is there in not having taken note of it sooner?”

_If only he knew how she had tried to burn all things beautiful._ Sakura smiled morosely, staring up at the stars. They were so very pretty. She wouldn’t have minded dying under them. They were a sight better than those of the Elemental Nations. “Who can say?” she mumbled, not sure what else she could say without tipping him off to her evil, cruel, true nature.

“You are cold…” His words made her flinch even as she still had her arms wrapped around herself.

Sakura shook her head. “It doesn’t matter,” she said, still staring at the stars, only able to blink as she found herself forcibly turned around and propelled inside. She only wondered why Glorfindel was so comfortable with _touching_ her – a dragon. _Then she reminded herself she was still deceiving him like the horrid little monster she was in regards to that fact._

“Truly, your lack of concern for your own health astounds me, Lothien,” he muttered, clicking his tongue at the blank look she gave him. _Why would she care for her own wellbeing?_ She was a monster. They weren’t meant to care about things like that, as dirty as they were on the inside. “I feel as though you might be lacking a healthy dose of self-preservation, and I cannot help wonder if this is why my thoughts so often stray back towards you…”

Sakura blinked, the words taking a few moments to sink in. “You… think of me often?” she asked hesitantly, rubbing at her cold chest then, wondering what the strange stirring there was. _Probably hope._ Truly, it was so very pathetic. _Why was she still hoping and longing for something which would never be?_ She needed to hurry up and move on. _Ah, if only forgetting about one’s soulmate was that easy…_

“Indeed I do,” he said, and Sakura could only blink once more as he picked up a lock of her pastel pink hair. Elves, as she had learnt over the course of her short stay there, were alarmingly fascinated by her hair colouring. Enough to overcome propriety’s sake. _It was so very unnatural there, and it belonged to a monster._ She didn’t quite understand the allure, but nevertheless let her soulmate play with the pale pink locks. _Glorfindel really deserved so much more than her._ It was the least she could do. “Though I am not entirely certain of why,” Glorfindel continued, yet another smile coming to his lips. _Sakura didn’t understand how he could give them away so very easily._ She couldn’t quite remember the last time she had smiled properly – out of true, unbridled happiness rather than anything else. “If you were a dragon, I would say you had me ensnared in some sort of spell,” he murmured, chuckling softly. _It was just a joke._ So why was it so on the mark as to her true nature?

“I am no dragon,” she said, fingernails digging into her palms beneath the cloak she wore. _It was such a dirty, barefaced lie._ She hated herself all the more for the fact she could say it without arising even a hint of suspicion. _How could they not see the snake in their midst?_

“That you are not,” Glorfindel murmured, oblivious to how much the words hurt. _Because she was a dragon, and he would hate her for that very fact when the truth came to light._

They lapsed into silence then. A terribly comfortable one, until Sakura finally mustered up the courage. “I’d… very much like to wander on my own for a little while…” she said, staring at the ground, shame welling up within as she stood there, feeling like the worst person in the entire world. “If that would be alright…” she added lamely, shifting on her feet at the moments of silence which fell at her request. _She wondered if he would get angry and hate her. He would be well within his rights to._

“The galleries are up ahead, if you wish for something to admire while you wander,” Glorfindel informed her then, not sounding the slightest bit irritated at her request. “Though if you get lost, do feel free to ask someone for directions or guidance.” Sakura risked a glance at his face, nearly flinching when she spotted no signs of anger or disappointment. _How could he be so very nice to her?_ She didn’t understand – couldn’t understand it. “I will leave you here, then, though I will most definitely see you at a later point in your stay here – if only to instil a sense of self-preservation within you before you leave.”

Sakura smiled, that same smile feeling so very plastic as Glorfindel vanished from her side, though her sharp ears still heard his voice as he greeted another. _She quashed the feeling of jealousy and greed at the sound of him being equally joyous in his greeting for another._ “How stupid of me,” she muttered, walking forwards once more, grateful for the quiet and stillness which soon overcame her as she entered another part of Imladris. Her stomach fell to her toes though, and she was abruptly reminded that her soulmate had informed her _the galleries_ were up ahead. _As in the paintings of a history she didn’t particularly want to see nor be reminded of._

Her brow smoothened then, a puff of air escaping her as she breathed out. _How much of a coward was she – that she couldn’t even look at paintings of her history?_ Her back straightened like a steel rod. _Coward,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura moved forwards out of spite. Looking up at the walls and the paintings and tapestries hung from it was the hardest thing to do. But look up she did.

“Lothien!”

Sakura blinked at the sight of Aravir, Lord Elrond, and an unfamiliar elf standing together in the hallway. _She felt so terribly underdressed all of a sudden, what with the oversized cloak draped over her shoulders and her bare feet._ “Aravir,” she mumbled, glancing at the two elves then, mulling over how to address them. “Lord Elrond.” She inclined her head, and then looked at the other ellon. The one whose name she didn’t know.

“Erestor,” he spoke, answering her unspoken question of who exactly he was, and Sakura nodded in acknowledgement. “You are _Lothien_ then,” Erestor said, and Sakura wasn’t sure she liked the searching look directed her way. _Though she was grateful to focus on the bluish grey eyes which didn’t bring anything to mind when she met their gaze._ “The mortal Lord Glorfindel is so very taken with…”

Sakura frowned at his words, not entirely sure whether she liked being _known_ for that, but Aravir took up her attention then. “It is good to see you back on your feet again,” he said, a smile on his face. _It was so very different to Glorfindel’s._ Then again, she was biased because _soulmate._

She tilted her head then. “Is something the matter?” she asked, swallowing at the mildly regretful expression on his face then. _Why on Arda would he look like that?_

“I cannot stay,” Aravir said, and Sakura blinked mildly, wondering what that was meant to mean. Evidently her confusion was palpable and so he elaborated. “You have yet to heal, and as much as I would like to make good on my promise and debt to Fainbarad, I have other matters to attend to – meaning I cannot wait for you to heal before I leave.”

“Should I pack my things then?” she asked, nearly flinching at the wide eyed look she received from all of them present there.

“Lothien, dear one,” Aravir said softly. “You are aware that your ribs are most likely broken and will need an ample amount of time and rest to heal – given I hear the elven healing techniques have not worked on you so…”

“It will only be some mild discomfort,” Sakura said, freezing at the noise of hopeless exasperation Elrond made. _She wondered what the problem was._ It was fine for a monster like her to be in a bit of pain – rather she looked forwards to it somewhat. _The start of her redemption._ Those were meant to be painful, _weren’t they?_

“I see, or perhaps more aptly _hear_ , that Glorfindel’s concerns for you are not unfounded,” Elrond said, a frown wrinkling his once-smooth brow. “Truly, it would appear you have little to no sense of self-preservation.” Sakura merely tilted her head once more, silently mulling over the fact that elves had been gossiping about her behind her back. _Did they think her a dragon? Were they plotting her righteous death?_ She could only wonder and wait.

Her stomach twisted at that thought. “I cannot take you with me in good conscience, Lothien,” Aravir said, and Sakura felt her heart drop to her toes. _Much like her stomach had done all too recently._ “I often pass through Rivendell once every few years. I understand if this poses a problem but given how you are lacking a home after the tragedy which befell you… Lord Elrond is willing to shelter you until such a time when I return.”

Sakura felt the colour flee from her face along with her _poisonous_ blood, and she was infinitely glad it was night-time and the lights were dimmed. _Aravir, the man she had hesitantly decided to follow given she had no clue what else to do, was asking her to stay in an elven realm for years?_ Sakura couldn’t help but wonder if this was some nefarious scheme drawn up in the aim of torturing her so. _Then again, redemption was meant to be painful and difficult._ If they wanted to torture her like that, then she had no choice but to let them. It was the least she owed them, after everything she had done. “I see,” she said hesitantly, not wanting or willing to let any of her obvious discomfort slip. _Only dragons would be so uncomfortable in an elven realm._

“I will return as soon as I can,” Aravir said then, clapping a hand on her shoulder as he passed, and Sakura could only blink dumbly, waiting for the realisation of it all to sink in. _She was meant to be in close proximity with her soulmate for years or so it seemed._

“Right…” she mumbled, feeling terribly light headed once more. It was though her world had been tilted on its axis, and Sakura was left scrambling to adjust. _What more did the universe wish to throw her way?_

“What brings you to the galleries at this hour then, Lothien?” Erestor enquired, and she blinked a few times before her brain started working once more. “I cannot imagine you knew Aravir would be here… though I suppose this means he may leave with his people tonight now, rather than on the morrow as they planned originally.”

_I came to look and remind myself of the sins I committed lest I try to forget the pain I caused and try to make a move on my soulmate,_ didn’t sound like a particularly good answer – not one which would be well received at least. “I, uh, I was just wandering,” she mumbled, shrinking back on herself. “I can leave if I’m being a bother…”

Bluish grey eyes met hers levelly. “You are no bother,” he said flatly. “Rather we were simply in the midst of reminiscing when you caught the three of us. You interrupted naught.”

“Reminiscing?” she parroted, and Erestor inclined his head towards the wall opposite. Sakura followed the movement, eyes travelling up from the floor to fic upon the painting depicting a battle scene she knew all too well. A snort escaped her then, short and harsh. _Of all the paintings they could have stopped before, why did it have to be that one?_

“The slaying of—”

“I’m curious,” she mumbled, wincing ever so slightly as she cut Lord Elrond off before he could say that accursed name. _The name she so hated._ “Given _his_ soulmark, I would have thought that dragon would have been female,” she said, still so very curious about why they had named her what they had.

Lord Elrond took being interrupted gracefully in his stride. “Glorfindel mentioned you had seen his mark,” he said. “I believe he asked you for discretion on this matter, did he not?”

“I was almost certain you would know at the very least,” Sakura remarked, a wry smile twisting her lips into something ugly. “Besides, you are the one who mentioned him by name.”

Elrond only sighed softly, turning his eyes back on the portrait of that large black dragon with acrid green eyes. She wondered if either of them noticed how closely the colour resembled her own. _But then who would think of a dragon skin-changer made by Melkor?_ The answer to that, she presumed, was _very,_ very few. “There have been a few cases of solely male or solely female soulmates in years gone by, as rare as they are…”

“Though I am betting no one bothered to check the sex of a downed dragon,” she murmured. “Least of all because Beleriand began sinking…”

“Glorfindel told me of your unusual knowledge of dragons…” Elrond said, frowning at her then. “Though it seems to me as though you have an interest in the tale of this particular dragon – the one which my father had a hand in slaying.”

Sakura’s eyes widened then, a snort escaping her then before she could stop it, and she winced in pain – chest aching as the sound rumbled through her. “So that’s why,” she whispered, a smile pulling at her lips. _It was so very fitting – so very ironic that she would come to dwell in a place ruled by the son of the one who had killed her once before._ “How ironic,” she muttered, turning on her heel then, wishing for nothing more than to be oh so very far away from there at that moment.

“Do you not wish to hear the tale of this dragon?” Elrond called after her, and Sakura could only smile coldly. _Proof he didn’t realise that which she was – that who she was._ “You seem to have an fixed interest in dragons, if perhaps only to allow you to slay them so…”

Sakura laughed then, the sound so very different to her soulmate’s own. _Darker. A blacker amusement._ “Believe me,” she said, not daring to look back with those acrid green eyes of hers. “I know the tale of _that_ dragon better than anyone.”

After all – she _was_ Ancalagon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you casually make a notable character female when they're canonically male and use the canonically male name for them...
> 
> So, for those of you unaware 'Ancalagon the Black' was the largest (winged) dragon to ever exist in Middle Earth as far as I'm aware, and people have around three different guestimates for his size. 'Ancalagon' is a masculine name. I just ran with the idea that nobody bothered to check what sex the downed dragon was in the inevitable confusion and pandemonium which was a sinking Beleriand right after the War of Wrath, and that there were no clear differences/markers between the males and females of dragons, meaning that Sakura in dragon form got written off as a male.
> 
> I was vastly amused when someone wondered how large Sakura would be as a dragon compared to Ancalagon, because I've been planning this out for a while yet...
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the little reveal of who Sakura was.


	16. I'ma make you wonder

“Idiot,” Sakura muttered to herself as she lay in bed, praying the sun wouldn’t rise too soon. Not that anything would listen to her hopeless plea. “Why did you say that?” Rolling over, she buried her face in her pillow, lamenting the recklessness of last night _or earlier that same day, depending on what the time was._ It was harder to tell without a clock in sight. “What were you thinking?” The words were muffled by the sinfully soft pillow, and Sakura barely resisted the urge to scream. Feelings of relief, _excitement,_ fear, and dread were pooling in her gut. Her limbs felt halfway on their way to being completely numb. It was like there were shadowy limbs curled around her own, tying them down, dragging her down so that she would sink into the shadows as she likely deserved to. _She ought to vanish, silently and without fuss so as to bring no further harm to her soulmate of his kin. She ought to die, whether by her soulmate’s hand or not, so as to not taint that place any longer._

Yet there she was. Turning her head, she sucked in a breath of cool fresh air, tears stinging at the corners of her eyes. _Because what would she do if those elves figured it out?_ She had dropped too much of a hint as to who and what she was, should any be able to get their head around the fact that she, a dragon, had been reborn in those lands in a time long after her death. _And wouldn’t it just be irony at its finest if the son of the one who had killed her before came to be the cause of her demise in that time?_

Sakura closed her eyes, ignoring the whispers which reminded her _she ought to be caught out._ She ought to earn her soulmate’s eternal hatred. She ought to be killed once more and vanish from that place entirely and for good that time around. _But would that happen?_ Or would she wind up dancing between two worlds forevermore? Her hands clenched in the bedsheets, and Sakura lamented silently, not daring to even make a sound. Tears, she had found, were often meant to be silent. Monsters probably weren’t even meant to shed them. _She was a failure in every way it seemed._ Her shoulders sunk, and she let out a long sigh.

“What am even supposed to do now?” she muttered, flopping back onto her back, pulling the blankets and quilts that much closer. It was so very cold right then and there for reasons she couldn’t quite fathom. _Maybe because the fact she had practically agreed to stay there in an elven realm for a matter of years?_ She would be around him far too often, unable to escape that gaze which bore into her so. Shivering at the thought, Sakura rolled onto her side, misery paralysing her as she lay there dumbly. She didn’t want to get out of that bed. Rather, she wished she could shut her eyes and sleep forever.

_You could if you slit your throat,_ the voice whispered to her, and Sakura shook her head sluggishly at that. She was far too afraid of returning to the Elemental Nations, not to mention she would get blood all over the sheets, and that would be a large inconvenience for the elves to clean up. She didn’t want to be more of the inconvenience than she already was by simply existing then and there. So there would be no throat slitting or deaths by her own hand then and there. Corpses tended to require a lot of effort to clean up. She wouldn’t burden them with that. _Excuses, excuses,_ the voice whispered in her ear. _Coward._

Sakura wondered if it was wrong of her to be one. _But she was a being meant to fight, more so against opponents stronger than herself. She had long ago driven back the Host of the West with her own kin._ How else would she explain her felling otherwise? Besides, in Konoha, cowardice was not tolerated. Yet another reason not to return to the Elemental Nations. _Unless it was through her soulmate’s decision, that was – to send her on her way to her next hellish life in those lands._ Then, and only then, would she abide by that decision. _And she would try not to be a monster that time around._ Her hands were already far too bloodied.

She closed her eyes then, wishing for oblivion and the sweet release from her reality there for a few hours. _She probably didn’t deserve peaceful dreams._ Especially in a realm belonging to those whose kin she had burned long ago. Chest still like ice, she screwed her eyes shut that much tighter, waiting for something – anything to happen. _For Lord Elrond to barge in declare her a dragon and have Glorfindel kill her where she lay. For her soulmate to charge in, demanding to know why there was a magnetic pull between them – one which was only meant to belong to soulmates._ But nothing happened, and the cold clutches of unconsciousness soon grasped a hold of her, and they didn’t let go until the sun came up.

A knock at the door stirred her from her slumber, from a dream she couldn’t remember. Dimly, Sakura wondered what it had been about, because she felt so terribly rested. It was so nice for the elves to allow her to sleep on such a nice bed, when really she deserved a cold cell and the hard stone floor. _Elves were so very good._ Sakura knew she was the exact opposite.

Groggy, she sat up, stomach twisting at the thought of who might be behind that door. Her hands shook as she imagined those golden locks and that merry smile which really ought to have melted that lump of ice in her chest. Sakura didn’t quite know how to describe the feeling when the door opened to reveal someone else. _Relief._ It had to be relief. _Not disappointment._ It had to be such an ugly thing to long after the one meant to be her other half, more so after everything she had done. Her hands were forever stained with elven blood. It wasn’t right for her to try and reach out to hold onto her elven soulmate with those same, disgusting hands.

“Greetings, Lothien!” Noeneth exclaimed, and Sakura could only blink dumbly at the elleth sent to help change her bandages and check over her ever so slowly healing chest. They had seen each other before, but that was _before_ it was announced that she would be staying in _Imladris_ for years on end. Noeneth was meant to be a person she would have been in contact with for days at most. Now Sakura would likely be spending years around the pretty elleth with chestnut brown hair and pale grey eyes, more so because the elleth was in charge of changing her bandages and checking on her daily. _She might even come to know more of those who lived there._ It was inevitable. It wasn’t like she could simply hole herself up in her room, no matter how much she sorely wished to. Sakura swallowed thickly, nervousness and dread stirring about in her stomach. _How was a dragon meant to interact with elves, of all peoples?_ She was something of wrath and ruin. _She didn’t have the first idea of how to make ‘friends’ and keep them… Fainbarad and Gilithien had been the closest she felt as though she had come to… and yet she hadn’t been able to ‘keep’ them. She didn’t deserve to count any elf as a ‘friend’ in the first place._ “I trust you are well – well, as well as one can be in your condition,” she said, ignorant of the amusement bubbling up within her chest. _Her condition was that she was a dragon. A horrible being who only brought harm._

Sakura only wondered how long it would be before she brought that to the doorstep of the elves. _Again._ Her eyes flickered to the ground, shame welling up within her then. “I am fine,” she said. The pain was minimal. _Well, especially if she compared it to all which she had already been through._ It wasn’t like she even deserved to be healed. “I… hope you are the same,” she mumbled lamely, nearly flinching at the soft smile and answer she received, feeling as though she ought to go and curl up in the corner and die as her black and blue chest was wiped down by kind, warm hands and promptly rebandaged. It didn’t take long, and Sakura found herself staring at the dress Noeneth was holding out before her. Her confusion had to have been palpable as she stared at the dark green, dainty item of clothing.

“You have few clothes here, and the house of Lord Elrond will not let their guests be without robe, nor will they let their stomachs rumble,” Noeneth said, and Sakura swallowed thickly as her stomach growled in the thicket of her little speech, earning her yet another smile. _Everything would change when they learned her a dragon._ “Change,” the elleth ordered. “Someone will be along shortly to see you to breakfast.” An amused smile flitted over her lips, and Sakura could only frown as Noeneth left her to her own devices. _And those were never a good thing to leave a dragon to._

She felt like someone playing dress up. _Like a shinobi wearing a disguise._ She was an imposter, a faker. _So why did she look like she belonged in that place of beauty and all things good?_ Sakura snorted softly, ignoring the ache that brought to her chest. _She was a dragon, and deception was very clearly her forte._ She was tricking them all. Even her very soulmate himself. Sakura knew she should have been so very ashamed of herself. _She was. She was a cruel, evil dragon, and she was playing a cruel game with her soulmate. With the object of her affections and selfish desires._ She could never afford to hold him close. Never afford to bury her face in those golden locks which made an old greed curl in her belly.

Acrid green eyes stared back at her from the mirror, a petite, doll-like figure standing there – her reflection. The green dress only really completed the _harmless_ look she seemed to have going for her. Though she was fairly certain Glorfindel knew she was anything but harmless. Along with the rest of the elves who had seen her within the coils of a dragon.

Another knock on the door stirred her from her musings. “Coming, Noeneth!” she called, putting a smile on her face as she ventured over to the door then, pulling it open to greet—

Glorfindel smiled at her from the doorway, his very presence singing of all things summery from the forest green of his tunic to the familiar, brilliant smile he wore. “I am afraid I am not Noeneth,” he said, arching one golden brow as he stared down at her with those eyes which made her chest stir so. “Though I do hope I am acceptable company in her absence.”

“I don’t think I could really get the pair of you mixed up,” Sakura said, stomach twisting at the chuckle that earnt her in response.

“Indeed,” Glorfindel murmured, a wry grin on his lips – no doubt at the thought of him being mistaken for the smaller elleth. “That would be a difficult feat to accomplish.”

Sakura swallowed harshly, a plastic smile still fixed upon her lips as the question slipped from her almost unbidden. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your fine company?” she asked, feeling as though she were about to vomit. _Though she would definitely avoid his shoes that time._ She couldn’t be any more of an inconvenience to him. _It was enough that she was his soulmate._

“Ah, I came to see if you would like to breakfast with me,” he said, and Sakura felt her stomach sink to her toes like a lead weight in the ocean. _Because she knew she was far too weak to refuse him, least of all because he deserved the world. Unlike her – who only deserved pain and death._ “I must admit, though you need time to rest, I do not particularly enjoy entertaining the thought of you hiding yourself away in these rooms.”

Sakura blinked, heart thudding far too loudly, _because she had the feeling her wish to hide away from the elves she had wronged would be thwarted by the one person she couldn’t bring herself to refuse._ Looking into those warm grey eyes only made her hate herself and her nature that much more. She wasn’t worthy of him – and she _never_ would be. Blood didn’t wash off easily, and she was coated in the blood of his kin. _She was a monster, and she would never be able to bask in the light of her soulmate’s radiance._ “Why?” she asked, smile dropping from her lips, confusion marring her brow as she stared at him. _Always waiting and watching for him to realise what kind of being stood before him. Always waiting and watching, ready for that sword of judgement to fall down upon her neck._

“I am not quite certain why,” Glorfindel said, eyes boring still into her acrid green ones. She didn’t understand how he could bear to look into them. _How he hadn’t recognised the resemblance between their colouring and that of the painting in the galleries which depicted her fall so long ago._ “Though one fact is certain – you are a guest of Lord Elrond now and for some years to come it would seem, and this house is honour bound to welcome you so… as well as oversee your healing,” he continued, gaze flickering down to her chest where the bruises lay, concealed under bandages and the soft green fabric of her dress.

She knew he was glancing at where her injuries lay, but Sakura couldn’t help the way her hands bunched in the green material, eyes looking down at the ground them as her ears heated. “Do I look… strange?” she asked, fidgeting then, part of her dying inside as she realised how she wanted her soulmate to say that she looked wonderful. _Or that she looked normal. Or that she looked like the filthy beast she was inside. Or that he hated her as he was meant to._ Her heart clenched at the thought. _Sakura hated being so very afraid and nervous._ She just wanted those feelings to stop, but she would have to runaway from her soulmate for that to happen – run very, very far away to a place no one would find her. _And whatever bound her to him didn’t seem to want to let her._

Not to mention that was a _cowardly_ move. The voice inside her head never let her forget that.

“You look lovely, Lothien,” Glorfindel said, a smile still on his lips. _Sincere._ Sakura wished she could be more like that. “Come,” he continued rather suddenly, seeming that much more radiant. _It blinded her, truly_. “Let us be off, lest we languish here until the lunch bell sounds.”

Her stomach growled then, loud and unapologetic, and her cheeks turned a burnished shade of red at the chuckle her soulmate let out at the sound.

“It would seem your stomach agrees with me,” he murmured, and Sakura only sighed softly as they fell in step with each other.

“It certainly seems like that,” she said, chewing on her lip anxiously as she wondered how she was meant to keep a conversation with her soulmate going. “Though I suppose all that walking about last night racked up quite the appetite.” _Or that she was a horrible, greedy dragon. Hunger tended to be associated with them too, despite them not needing to eat as regularly._

“That does indeed sound like the cause,” Glorfindel replied, and there was almost a skip to his step. Sakura wanted a skip to her step, _because there was a terrible part of her which was excited to be with her soulmate there._ Even if he didn’t know it was her – that the names marring their skin were the reason behind the contentedness the both of them felt in that instant. _Or so she assumed he felt_. Sakura merely reminded herself that it wouldn’t last. All good thing – the very few there were – always ended far too quickly for her. She knew this would be the same. _Besides, it wasn’t as if she deserved to enjoy it._ “I trust you slept well after your wander…”

“Yes, I did,” Sakura mumbled, silently trying to remember what exactly it was she had dreamt about to feel so very well rested. She swallowed thickly then. “Did… uh, you?”

He tilted his head, smile widening. “Indeed I did,” he said. “I always tend to feel so very relaxed after spending time in your presence… ‘tis why I likely seek you out so often.” Sakura swallowed the sudden lump in her throat, mind racing to figure out _how._ How could her presence be so very soothing? Even if they were soulmates, there was only so much of her evil nature their _bond_ could conceal. _Unless she was far too good at concealing that._

_Like the horrid monster you are,_ the voice whispered in her ear. “I enjoy your company too,” Sakura said, torn between whether the words which had slipped from her lips were a filthy lie or a bitter truth.

Glorfindel frowned, but the creases marring his brow vanished in a matter of seconds as their eyes met once more. “I am glad to hear that,” he exclaimed, and Sakura felt her gut twist once more at those words which couldn’t have been anything but the truth. Silence fell for but a moment, and Sakura wasn’t sure how to break it – if she even wanted to, that was. Glorfindel took that decision away from her. _She was so very glad for it. So very glad to hear his sweet voice speaking to her, ignorant to the scales she was meant to be clad in. She hated herself for deceiving him so._ “So I hear you encountered Lord Elrond, Erestor, and Aravir on your night-time visit to the galleries… I do hope you enjoyed the sights. The paintings there are quite wonderful.”

Sakura smiled grimly, thinking of the many paintings of Ancalagon she had seen so very briefly. _Of herself._ She liked the one of that ship haloed in light, it’s captain being the one to cut her down. _It was such a wonderful painting._ “They are,” she said, an ache in her heart at her next words. “I would imagine the paintings of Ancalagon’s slaying are your favourites…”

She felt his eyes on her then and schooled her expression into something which gave no hints as to her inner turmoil. _She didn’t know why she was conflicted, because, really, she didn’t deserve him. She should have been glad if he liked the images depicting her fall so very long ago._ “They merely remind me of what my duties are,” Glorfindel said quietly, voice barely above a whisper – but she was no mortal, and her hearing was akin to an elf’s. _Perhaps even better._ It only made her that much more of a monster. “Though Lord Elrond and Erestor inform me you have an unnerving interest in Ancalagon…”

“Unnerving?” she echoed, fear coiling in her gut like a serpent ready to strike. _She was still waiting for the accusations of her being a dragon. For him to turn against her and condemn her._

Glorfindel smiled genially. “Those were Erestor’s words,” he remarked. “Along with a warning that you might perhaps try to ask me more about my soulmate…”

“I do have some sense of tact,” Sakura mumbled, shame welling up in her gut. “Besides, if you didn’t want me to ask questions, all you would need to do would be ask.” _She could never deny her soulmate so._ She wondered if that were some semblance of love on her part. _Though it was more likely out of guilt._ A creature like her probably couldn’t love someone properly. _After all, how could something which only brought death and ruin know anything about the joys of life?_

“He means no harm, nor does he mean to insult you,” Glorfindel explained, and Sakura only tilted her head. _It hardly mattered if an elf meant harm to her – she did deserve it after all._ But Sakura knew their hatred would be a heavy thing to bear, and she was a terrible, weak coward. “He and Lord Elrond tend to be… perhaps sensitive is the word to describe it – when it comes to me and my interest of dragons. Though I do believe the pair of them refer to my interest as an obsession when they believe it is just the two of them.”

“Because you believe you must slay them,” Sakura whispered, hating the hurt she felt. _She deserved it._ So why did it bring the sting of tears to her eyes?

Glorfindel hummed contemplatively, smiling and shrugging at the same time, those grey eyes boring into her own so very intently. “I do not understand my soulmark otherwise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... The 'Slow Burn' and 'Slow Build' tags aren't just for show...


	17. ay, oh, I know (I feel it in my—)

The waters she submerged herself in were warm and oh so very welcoming after the stressful day she’d had. _No thanks to her soulmate,_ Sakura mused bitterly as she stretched out in the large, private tub. Noeneth had been kind enough to show her how to draw heated water for that evening, and Sakura had happily done the job herself despite the protests from the elleth herself, along with literally everyone else she had met on the way up. Apparently, she was meant to be too injured to handle heavy lifting, but Sakura hardly cared for the twinge of pain in her chest. _She’d had worse. She’d had so much worse._ Besides, getting hurt while protecting her soulmate from harm… Sakura nodded to herself. _Those were the best kind of injuries someone could get. Especially her._ Though it would never be enough to let him forgive her for the many atrocities she had committed in years long past.

In the privacy of her bath, the inky lettering was exposed, and her fingers traced the delicate script. It was such beautiful writing. _Such a beautiful name._ She hated her own name on his skin. It had been so very unsightly.

Sighing, she screwed her eyes shut, wishing she could go back and undo it all – the terror and the pain she had caused. She wished she could go back and tell herself that if she just held on a little longer, then maybe she’d be able to find that which had eluded her in her last incarnations there. But now she was forever destined to be hated. Taking a shaky breath, she dived under the waters, enjoying the darkness of the element which was her antithesis. But no amount of water could undo the fire and sorcery which had made her that which she was.

_But it could take away your life,_ the voice whispered, lurking still in the depths of her mind, and Sakura opened her eyes in that underwater world, watching as the bubbles of air escaped her. _It’s not like you really deserve this life of yours._ Tears didn’t come to her eyes, and Sakura hugged her knees to her chest. She could still remember that strong arm which had pulled her up and out of the waters, and she wished it were there now – wished that he would be able to stare at his name upon her skin and welcome her into those warm arms still.

_It was so terribly wrong of her to wish for those sorts of things._

The moon was high up in the sky by the time she pulled herself out of the water, the air cold upon her bare skin as she dried off. Her arm, and the damning name upon it was the first thing to be covered back up amidst the constant reminding whispers of _you don’t deserve him._ “I know,” she murmured in response, closing her eyes again, wishing that when she opened them she wasn’t still trapped in an elven realm. _But reality was cruel to her._

She was going to be there for years to come.

* * *

“Lothien…”

Sakura stiffened at the sound of Glorfindel’s voice, a practiced smile coming to her lips while her eyes begged him not to torment her with that which she could never had. “Good morning to you too,” she said, silently noting the way other elves left them to their business. Sakura wondered if they knew of the magnetic pull the pair of them seemed to have with each other. If they could sense it in the air somehow. _She wondered who of them suspected they were soulmates, and the damning consequences of that matter._

“It has been so far,” he remarked, that smile Sakura knew far too well by that point in time. It seemed so relaxed and happy even in her horrible presence. “I hope yours has been the same.” He seated himself down next to her, his visage almost larger than life. Then again, the skin she wore was so very small and dainty. _She hated it._

“Yes,” she replied, nodding. _How could she be anything but happy in an elven realm?_ She was a normal human being, and those were meant to be happy in places where the forces of ‘light’ were the strongest. Imladris would count as chief amongst them. _Oh, if only she was._ Rather, she was a filthy creature of the dark. She wondered when her soulmate’s light would begin to burn. She wondered if it would remind her of the fires which had once made her into that which she was to that very day. It would be a fitting end. Most of her promising endings in that place would no doubt be something of the sort. _She wondered which would come for her in the end._

She didn’t know whether she wanted her end to come sooner or later. Was it better for her to linger and torment herself with the visage of something she couldn’t have? Or was she meant to confess and end it all that much sooner.

_Coward,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura wished she could curl up somewhere and cry into her knees. _Pathetic,_ the voice added, and Sakura let her eyes drop to the empty plate set before her, even as her soulmate himself started both eating and conversing with her. Glorfindel made both look exceedingly elegant, but Sakura supposed that was only to be expected. _He was perfect._ Everything she could never be. Everything she could never have.

Sakura hated the curl of jealousy which stirred at the thought. She was trying to not be the all-consuming creature of malice, hate, and all things dark which she was. _Failure,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura only wished she had something to distract herself from the paragon of everything good and just beside her. _A reminder of her sins and grand failings._

“Though I am afraid to say I will not be able to join you for a few days,” Glorfindel said, and Sakura didn’t know whether to be relieved or devastated at the thought of losing the constant presence at her side. _She didn’t deserve him there in the first place._ “I am set to patrol our borders.”

“I could join you,” Sakura muttered, deliberately not looking at him as she pondered over her immense weakness to everything her soulmate did. _Maybe if she emulated him more in what he did… maybe then she would be able to find some sort of forgiveness?_

_You don’t deserve it,_ the voice whispered. _In fact, you don’t deserve anything._

She could almost sense the exasperation and disbelief in the air, radiating from Glorfindel as he sat beside her. A sharp poke to her injured ribs made her whimper and wince in pain. Hurt, she turned to face her soulmate, flinching when she spied the stern expression on his face. “Valier save me from the hero complexes of mortals…” he muttered, shaking his head, and Sakura silently refuted his statement in the depths of her mind. _She was no hero._ That was something she could never be. Not with her history, nor her very nature itself. “Lothien, dear friend, none here would dare to doubt your heroics and courage, but, alas, I believe many here would doubt your judgement on matters.” Those grey eyes shot her a sharp look. “Do not think I have not heard of you and your strenuous activities when the healers have all but ordered you to do otherwise.”

“Carrying bath water is not particularly strenuous,” Sakura mumbled, giving into the temptation to bring her legs up, resting her chin on her knees as she hugged her legs atop her chair.

“Those bruises and broken ribs would argue otherwise, I am certain,” Glorfindel said, sighing softly, pushing his golden locks back from his face – which was still lined with exasperation. “Do you wish to be in pain? Or are you simply the single most stubborn woman to have ever lived?” He shook his head with yet another sigh. _She made him do that far too often. Really, she was a terrible creature. She should have been trying to make her soulmate happier._ Sakura wasn’t sure how she could make him happier before the eventual reveal of her nature, and the death which would subsequently follow.

Sakura smiled. “If you knew what I knew, you would know the answer to that,” she replied, stomach twisting as she spoke. “Besides, they’re only minor injuries… All they need is some rest from time to time…”

Glorfindel looked to be on the verge of tearing out his pretty blonde locks. Guilt twisted like a knife to the gut, but part of her was happy. _Because if he didn’t relish in her pain, then obviously he was still clueless as to her nature and what they were to one another._ She truly was a creature of deception. “Lothien, I feel as though I ought to deliver you to Lord Elrond, should he not be otherwise occupied at this moment in time…” he said, standing up right then and there. Sakura followed in his lead, part of her wanting to stick to her soulmate like glue and bask in the light he radiated. _So maybe she could steal some for herself and cleanse her blackened soul somewhat…_ A terrible thing to do. “I am certain he will be happy to tell you exactly what you should be doing in order to speed along your recovery.”

“I will rest,” Sakura grumbled, determined to avoid the elf lord with far too knowing grey eyes – which reminded her too much of that righteous set which had belonged to the one who had originally stuck her down in that scaled, horrendous form of hers.

Glorfindel stopped in his tracks, a smile finally curving at his lips, and Sakura felt part of her leap for joy. “See that you do,” he murmured, reaching out to tuck a strand of pink hair back behind her ear. _Elves were far too obsessed with her hair,_ or so Sakura decided, shuffling on her feet at the interaction. _It did, after all, feel awfully intimate in some ways._ Though Sakura reminded herself not to let her deluded dreams of acceptance run away from her.

Her hand found his own as it lingered far too close to her face. Part of her wanted to press her cheek into it. _Trying to drag him down into darkness already?_ the voice asked, and Sakura merely clutched at the back of his broad, calloused hand. _The hand of a hero who slayed monsters like her._ “I only wanted to protect you,” she mumbled, brain-to-mouth filter evidently having gone walkabouts sometime between then and leaving the hall where they had eaten. Then again, that filter was so very tenuous around her soulmate in the first place.

It was only usually her cowardice and selfishness which made her hold her tongue for the more important details. _The details he really deserved to know._

Grey eyes stared at her intently, and she couldn’t meet them with her acrid green ones. “Have I done something to earn your protection?” Glorfindel asked.

Sakura smiled wryly, remembering those words spat in anger what felt like years ago. Gathering her courage, she met those grey eyes with her disgusting set, a soft smile playing on her lips. “You exist,” she said softly, shame curling in her belly at the reminder of those horrible words she had said to him. “Is that not enough of a reason?” _He was pure, good, everything other than her._ He was her antithesis. That alone gave his life more value than her own. _And she had hurt him and his people._

He smiled again, but there was an emotion she couldn’t quite read in his eyes. _Confusion? Pain? Mirth?_ Sakura didn’t know. “I am an accomplished warrior, Lothien,” he said. “Most would not think I need protection.”

Her brows drew together. “All it takes is a single mistake – a single moment…” she mumbled, trailing off in her words then. Worry and fear made themselves known to her, and Sakura swallowed at the thought of Glorfindel lying on the ground, skin pale, lips cold. _She was the one out of the two of them who was meant to die. She was evil. He was good. She didn’t deserve life. He deserved his undeniably._ That was the crux of the matter.

“Then all I must do is not falter,” he said, still smiling so very kindly at her. “I will return, worry not. This is merely a routine patrol. The danger is minimal compared to marching off into war.” Sakura barely held back the shudder at the mention of war. “When I return, I wish to hear tales of you resting rather than marching about to fetch your bath water. Noeneth is a terrible gossip, so have no doubts I will learn of any strenuous work you may be so tempted to do in my absence.” He stared at her, sternness set on his face.

“Tales of me resting would be rather boring, no?” Sakura murmured, something akin to a smile pulling at her lips.

Glorfindel sighed. “ _Lothien,_ ” he muttered, shaking his head at the scant amount of laughter she managed to pry from her lips. _It actually sounded somewhat real._ “Please, for the life of you, _behave.”_

“Take care on your patrol,” Sakura whispered, backing away from him then.

“I do hope you are heading to your rooms to _rest_ ,” Glorfindel said, pointedly stressing that final word, and laughter escaped her lips again, and she spun, meeting those grey eyes which stared at her with emotions she couldn’t quite place. _She was far more familiar with darker emotions, like hatred. She had felt and caused that in others far too much._ Her smile fled, like the embers of a fire snuffed out. _Just like the little monster you are,_ the voice whispered in the back of her head.

* * *

“You are doing very well,” Noeneth remarked, and Sakura only stared at her mess of embroidery. _It was so very easy to prick her fingertips on the needle – so very easy to cause the pain that she deserved._ “You only began but a few days ago. There is hardly any need to rush.”

Sakura felt her shoulders slump.

“I have been embroidering for years, Lothien,” Noeneth said pointedly. “Skill comes with time, patience, and practice when it comes to this particular craft.”

Briefly, she wondered why she had asked Noeneth to teach her such a thing – and why Noeneth had bothered to make time to teach her the craft. _Dragons only bring destruction,_ the voice reminded snidely in the depths of her mind. _How could you ever create something beautiful?_

“It grows late,” the elleth said, grey eyes boring into her own as she glanced between the taller female and the mess of stitching in her hands. “Perhaps this is the time to take a break and come back tomorrow morning.”

“I was hoping to have a bath tomorrow morning,” Sakura mumbled, setting aside her _failed_ embroidery, staring at her bandaged fingers. _She had received a thimble eventually to try and spare her fingers the fate they deserved._

“Then I shall bring the water to you, this time,” Noeneth replied, a sharpness to her voice, and Sakura abruptly felt terribly cowed. _What with Glorfindel’s words still looming over her like a thundercloud…_ There was this incessant need within her – to please him and make him smile that was. _It was such a cruel thing for her to do_ – _because she wasn’t one who was meant to bring joy or happiness._

“Of course…” Sakura murmured, still staring at her terrible stitching, lamenting how her hands were suited for naught but destruction. “I wouldn’t dare to do otherwise…”

Noeneth shot her a look which clearly said that she didn’t believe her in the slightest. Sakura snorted quietly at that, even as the elleth vanished from the room, leaving her alone for the first time since lunch. She could hardly fault Noeneth’s scepticism when she had indeed carried up her own bath water before. _Every laboured breath beneath her aching ribs had felt so sweet in an odd sort of way._ The way her fingers ached from her needlework felt wonderful too.

A snort left her lips, louder that time, and Sakura buried her face in her hands, fingers still bound in bandages from Noeneth’s ministrations. “I really have turned into quite the masochist,” she muttered, thoughts straying then to what pain her soulmate would inflict on her before her demise there. _Or would he think he was being kind by putting her out of her misery straight away?_

She would deserve whatever he decided upon.

Closing her eyes, she sighed quietly, letting her hands fall down on the far too soft bed. Everything in that place was far too lovely for the likes of her. It was just a shame nobody else knew of that, though they would learn in time. _Coward,_ the voice whispered, forever a shadow upon her heart as she lay in that room, trapped with only her thoughts for company. Part of her missed Noeneth, despite her general aversion – _fear_ – of elf kind. _Not that she ever showed that fear of being discovered. Years as a shinobi had ironed in her poker face._ It was why she was so very good at deception, or so she reasoned. Any half-decent shinobi was, and she had been rogue for years – and to survive as a lone wolf, free from any village, was a tough life. _She had been there and gotten the t-shirt to prove it._

Part of her wondered on the matter of her soulmate, and she wondered what he was doing right then and there under those same stars. He had said he would return. _A promise._ Sakura didn’t know why he had felt the need to reassure a monster of that. _Heroes slay monsters,_ the voice in the back of her mind reminded. _And guess what you are?_

Sakura hugged her knees to her chest, self-loathing and hatred – _really nothing new there_ – welling up inside her.

She hoped Glorfindel was safe.


	18. 'cause they come and go

Healing _without_ chakra, or so Sakura was discovering, was so very tedious. More so when one’s soulmate was nowhere in sight. _Though that was probably for the best,_ Sakura mused as she finished another stitch on the little piece of fabric she had been given to alleviate her boredom. She probably deserved the boredom over anything fun – dragons weren’t allowed to have fun. _Well, aside from when they were sowing seeds of dissent and hatred._ Sakura had sworn off those aspects of her nature.

Though the golden thread she was using to stitch an ugly pattern on her fabric square probably proved otherwise though. _She, like the rest of her kin, had an uncanny obsession with gold._ It didn’t particularly help that her soulmate’s hair was practically an imitation of just that. _Fitting,_ she thought, humming quietly under her breath. _Oh, yes,_ the voice whispered, makings its appearance then. _A golden hero has to be the most fitting soulmate for an ugly black dragon._

“Do try to avoid pricking your fingers this time,” Noeneth called from the chair in which she sat a short distance away. “They hardly appreciate being stabbed many a times,” the elleth remarked, a wry smile set upon her lips as those eyes flickered over onto her.

Sakura hummed. “I wouldn’t be so sure,” she mumbled, momentarily forgetting that elven hearing was better than an ordinary human’s.

“Should you keep growing injured, no matter how small,” Noeneth spoke, voice slicing through the oddly thick air in the room between them, “then I would fear there to be another problem. Though I have no doubts that between Lord Glorfindel and Lord Elrond, the matter would be seen to and solved.” Grey eyes bore into her own, despite the metres of space separating them. “The pair of them tend to be rather… tenacious when their interest is piqued – and you dear Lothien, have definitely piqued the curiosities of many.”

Sakura shifted in her bed with its far too soft mattress and quilts. “Are elves always so terribly curious as to the matters of others?” she asked, tilting her head, resuming her angry stabbing of the material in her hands. “I was rather led to believe it the complete opposite.”

“You would be correct,” Noeneth remarked. “However, you have taken up residence in our realm, injured and without home as you are. That, I believe, makes you somewhat of our business – how else are we to welcome a guest if we know nothing of them?” she questioned, and Sakura felt herself squirm once more. She didn’t like attention. Sakura supposed she never had, aside from perhaps in her first and second lives, and perhaps she had wanted the attention of precious few in her third life. She had been a shinobi for two of her four lives then and there, and those rarely wanted to be noticed amidst enemy territory.

Elven territory was certainly just that. She was still waiting for the protections of the valley to scorn her so. She didn’t quite understand why they hadn’t, though Sakura supposed she was now a guest there. _Maybe that was it?_ Her shoulders slumped, and blood welled up from the now-broken skin of her finger. _She had tricked them into believing her a guest…_ That had to be the answer to many a mystery.

“I feel as though, perhaps, you may have been better served with taking up painting as a hobby,” Noeneth said, and Sakura sucked on her finger, setting her stitching to one side as she flopped back on her bed. “It may have been far messier and harder to complete on bedrest, but I doubt even you could be clumsy enough to injure yourself by painting.”

A snort escaped her lips before she could catch it. “My,” Sakura muttered. “That almost sounds like a challenge…”

Noeneth sniffed then, glaring at her pointedly with those grey eyes which didn’t really leave an impact on her. _She had seen prettier,_ but then again she was probably biased. “Lothien, I feel as though I ought to remind you of the fact Lord Glorfindel has asked for confirmation of your activities upon his return – if only to ensure you do nothing so foolish, such as lugging around a heavy pot of water with broken ribs and numerous other bruises and abrasions to your skin…”

Sakura scowled. “Nobody is ever going to let me forget that, are they?” she grumbled, staring determinedly at the ceiling, as Noeneth continued as though she had never spoken a word in the first place. It was practically a confirmation that nobody would ever forget her trying to be self-sufficient and less of a burden on her hosts. Sakura hadn’t really seen the problem with her doing just that.

“You have been around our precious golden lord for naught but a matter of weeks at most, so perhaps you are unaware, but to catch the eye of an elf lord is to subject yourself to their interest,” she said, and Sakura could only glance over at her blithely, uncertain as to where the elleth was going with her tirade. “Those caught are lay open to scrutiny, _and more so in the case of Lord Glorfindel_ , concern.” Grey found green yet again. “Very few humans have ever found themselves in such a situation, and none of them have ever been quite prepared for that which it entails.”

Sakura blinked, mulling over her words then, trying to figure out the meaning behind them – because apparently elves loved being very, exceptionally wordy with their words. _Don’t you sound so very intelligent?_ the voice whispered, and Sakura scowled. “Do tell me then… What does it entail?”

The dark-haired elleth sighed softly then, features softening from the glare they had been stuck in until that moment. “First, I believe you would have to understand _what_ Lord Glorfindel means to all of us here,” she said, a shadow passing over her face so very quickly that if she had blinked she would have missed it. “He is our _hero,_ ” Noeneth said, ignorant to the mocking voice in the back of her mind. _The hero and the monster… I do wonder how such a tale will end?_ “Delivered back to us in a time when hope was dying. I, myself, grew up on tales of Gondolin and how hard it fell… To see a legend in flesh with my very own eyes… I doubt there is a way to fully describe that feeling. Nevertheless, that is not the point here. He came in on the tides, and with them he brought hope. That was what he was to the Noldor who reside on these shores.”

Sakura stared down at her hands, bitter thoughts welling up inside her at the revelation. _Her soulmate had brought hope to his people._ Sakura was fairly sure she would only bring disaster to them, as was in her nature. _All the more reason for her to hurry up and leave._ Her hands curled into fists, tucked under the blankets out of sight as they were. _But you’re far too greedy and selfish to do that,_ the voice whispered, cruel and taunting. _Chasing after something you’ll never get to have…_

“I have little doubt that when he returns his focus will be on you,” Noeneth continued, and Sakura felt her heart both sink and skip a beat. “I have my doubts you will be familiar with the affection he will show… but I have little doubt you will soon learn what it means to hold the attention of a very old, and very powerful elf.”

“That doesn’t sound ominous in the slightest,” Sakura muttered, loathing and longing beating inside her chest at the thought of being shown _affection._ She knew she didn’t deserve anything of the like.

“Since I am mostly in charge of your care, I feel as though I should tell you that I will be the one bombarded with many a question about your wellbeing,” she said. “You have proven that you care little for that.” A wicked smile pulled at her lips then, and a shiver rolled down Sakura’s spine. “I can honestly say I look forwards to what our golden lord will do to instil a sense of self-preservation within you.”

“Joy,” Sakura grumbled, stomach twisting and squirming as though it were a live snake at the thought of being in close proximity with her soulmate once more. “Though I guess I have yet a few more days of this interlude before the second act begins,” she said, and Noeneth laughed. “So glad I can provide entertainment for you, my lady.”

“I think you may find yourself providing entertainment for the entirety of Imladris, Lothien,” Noeneth replied, lips still curved into a smile. “Nevertheless, may you and Lord Glorfindel both find happiness and peace… I have the strangest feeling you may both just be the answer to the other’s problem.”

One eyebrow rose then, and Sakura stared at the elleth. “And here I thought that Glorfindel was a shining beacon of hope to you all… someone without fault…” she remarked, acrid green meeting grey yet again. _Grey was such a pretty colour._ Though again – bias. She was so very inclined to that particular eye colouring because it was similar to his. _Her perfect soulmate’s, and he could hardly be anything less than perfect._

“Everyone here in Imladris is all too aware of his obsession with dragons, but not even Lord Elrond can get through to him on this matter,” Noeneth said, lips pulling down then, concern clouding her expression so. “He has this idea set inside his mind… and he is stubborn on this matter—”

“You’re talking about his obsession with hunting down dragons,” she mumbled, sucking in a sharp breath through her teeth as she spoke that truth aloud. _It was a truth that shouldn’t have hurt her… but it did._ “I don’t think I can help there.”

She met Noeneth’s stare which felt terribly akin to being sized up – weighed and measured, _and found wanting,_ the voice added snidely. _You really think you could help… you?_ Her shoulders hunched, knees being drawn up to her chest as she stared glumly at the elleth. “I do believe you might surprise yourself there,” she said, and Sakura could only bite her lip. _Because Noeneth was wrong. She was so very wrong._ But Sakura couldn’t really explain the fact of the matter to her. _Coward._ Sakura nodded mentally at that.

“I doubt that very much,” she muttered.

Noeneth hummed sceptically. “You jumped between the tail of a dragon and our precious golden lord,” she continued breezily, as though she hadn’t spoken those demeaning words. _Which were so very true._ “Over the many years in which Lord Glorfindel has hunted down fell dragons, none have done that which you did – and by that I mean bodily throwing themselves between him and harm. I believe that makes quite the impression upon a person… Your influence over him yet may be greater than you realise.”

_You’re wrong,_ Sakura wanted to say. _She could never taint that gold with black._ But her lips wouldn’t move, and she found she could only glumly stare at her feet as she sat upon her bed.

“The dinner bell will ring soon,” Noeneth informed her, changing the topic of conversation away from that dangerous topic which made her want to curl up, tell someone, or simply put herself out of her misery. _But you’re too busy holding onto your precious hope, aren’t you?_ the voice whispered, its words penetrating deep into her skull, boring into her still bleeding heart _which wanted to be loved_. Her chest felt as cold as ever, though that time the chill was accompanied by a bitter sting. _No one will ever love you,_ the voice purred, and Sakura bit her lip hard enough to draw blood. “Do you wish to dine with—”

Sakura shook her head viciously. “No,” she said, pulling the covers over her again, shivering at the thought of dining with elves. “I want to stay up here.”

Noeneth frowned, but nevertheless accepted her decision. “I see.”

* * *

The stars above her twinkled, diamonds set upon a dark blue raiment, staring down upon her as she basked under the light. The moon hung heavy in the sky, tracing its path across the world above, and Sakura sighed as she looked upon them. _They were so very beautiful, unlike her._ Though her form then was certainly deceiving in that matter. _Ugly,_ the voice whispered. A sigh escaped her, and she stared up at the skies, listening faintly to the hubbub Noeneth was causing in her search for her.

Nights were cold, and most thought Sakura far too frail to face them without company nor blankets. She didn’t want that though. Rather, she wanted to feel the cool night air upon her skin. Restless was the word to describe her after being stuck in her room for three days straight with only Noeneth for company. The elleth, Sakura wouldn’t deny, was fairly good company. _Though maybe the fact she was hiding had to do with the fact that Noeneth had changed from calling her ‘Lothien’ to calling her ‘friend’._ Sakura hadn’t been able to hide the minute shutdown she had at being called such a thing. _More so from a person who didn’t have the magnetic pull to her that Glorfindel did._ It was difficult to comprehend. _How could an elleth and a dragon be friends?_

_Impossible,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura nodded in agreement even as she lay on the blanket of green grass amidst the courtyard. It was eerily similar to that which she had awakened to originally for her fourth life – and her second as that terrible dragon-shifter in Arda. All she was missing were a few trees. If there had been some, then maybe she could have pretended she was still in the forest. _Before she had come across anybody. Before Fainbarad and Gilithien. Before Aravir and his Rangers. Before her soulmate and subsequent misfortunes which had befallen her._ She could never blame him for those misfortunes though. There was never any doubt she deserved them so. She had certainly brought the elves enough misfortune.

“I wonder what you’re doing,” she mumbled, staring up at the stars which her soulmate could undoubtedly see. _She was under the same stars as the one who was meant to love her through the workings of fate, or whatever it was called._ Though Sakura supposed that _perhaps… just maybe… her soulmate’s reasoning behind his soulmark was correct._ Fate might have as well decided to motivate a slayer of dragons through their soulmark.

It wasn’t like he could ever or would ever love her for who and what she was.

She lay there for a while longer, content to simply stare at the pretty stars and avoid the company of nosy, but well-meaning elves. _They were different to her kin._ The fact they had taken her in was proof of that much. She was probably being ungrateful – avoiding everyone like she was. _But after many days of barely having a moment to herself under the gimlet eye of Noeneth – who strangely enough considered her a ‘friend’ – she wanted an hour or two of peace._ It was why she had ventured to that relatively remote and removed courtyard.

“Why is it,” a smooth, _familiar_ voice rolled out through the air, an echo of the words spoken to her only a matter of days before, “whenever I find you it is in the middle of you doing something so very inadvisable?”

Sakura blinked, turning onto her side then, mindful of her injuries for once as she stared at the elf leaning against one of the thin pillars which supported the roofed walkway between buildings. “Oh,” she mumbled, staring at her soulmate who she’d thought would be absent for a few more days yet. “You’re back already…”

He had been back long enough to shed the armour he had worn upon his leaving, changing it instead for soft, comfortable-looking slacks and a green tunic laced with golden stitching to match his hair. Though it only really reminded Sakura of her failed attempts at embroidery which were thankfully far away from her soulmate’s discerning eye.

“Is that disappointment I hear?” he asked then, eyebrows raised as he ventured over towards her. Sakura wondered how she looked on that grass, dressed in the dainty clothing Noeneth had all but forced upon her in the name of the hospitality of Lord Elrond.

“Of course not,” she said, propping herself up on her elbow as the golden elf lord took a seat beside her. “How could I be disappointed to see you returned safe and well…”

“I truly wish I could say the same,” Glorfindel replied, a smile – _so familiar and warm enough to make that heart of hers skip_ – on his lips. “Though, alas, I happened to come across a rather frantic Noeneth on my way to find you and report of my safe return… and she then informed me of your little disappearing act.”

Sakura sighed, stomach twisting itself in knots as Glorfindel mirrored her position on the grass there, head propped upon his hand as he lay on his side. “Did she not inform you of how I had been bedbound for days previous – just like you asked of me?”

“I believe she was too concerned with tracking down her missing _friend,_ ” he said, ignorant of the way she tensed slightly at the mention of her _friend._ “It is hardly kind to make her worry so…”

“You weren’t the one stuck in a room with her for days on end,” Sakura mumbled, rolling onto her back, folding her arms.

“Noeneth is hardly poor company, especially for you,” he remarked, golden brows raising, and Sakura felt sick at the idea that she had offended him in some way. _She wasn’t supposed to do that – only a dragon would._

_And, oh wait,_ the voice purred, _that’s just what you are…_ “She’s good company,” Sakura said, glaring at the heavens above. “I just wanted some time to myself.”

“Did you have to come outside in the cold without a single cloak or blanket?” he questioned, staring at her pointedly with those grey eyes of his which always accused her and bore into her so. “I know you have at least one of each to your name now.”

Sakura shrugged. “They did not seem necessary at the time I slipped away,” she said. _Because she deserved to be left out in the cold._ She was a being of fire and hate – what was wrong with experiencing the chill of night time? _Though she was far too cowardly to tell him such a fact…_

“Once again, you prove yourself lacking a sense of self-preservation,” he murmured under his breath, hand finding its way into her own, lifting it, a frown marring his brow then. “You are cold. I think it time you returned to your room.”

“Can’t I stay a little longer?” she asked, staring determinedly at the stars. “The stars are particularly beautiful tonight, and I can still feel all of my fingers and toes…”

There was silence for a few moments, and Sakura scarcely dared to breathe, an odd tension to the air. “So,” her soulmate began, a dangerous edge to his voice. _Sakura relished in it._ “You believe the fact you can still feel all ten fingers and toes is a good enough argument to persuade me to allow you to stay out here yet?”

Sakura barely resisted the urge to squirm under the pointed gaze she could feel set upon her. “Yes?” she tried, a squeak of surprise escaping her as she found herself lifted from the cool ground.

“Then I am afraid you are terribly incorrect, dear Lothien,” he said, and Sakura let her head flop against his shoulder, part of her relaxing and basking in the presence of her soulmate there and then. “I would hardly leave you there to freeze.”

“You should’ve,” Sakura muttered, burying her face in that green tunic of his, closing her eyes then as she fervently wished to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess the pacing of this might seem a little slow now compare to the first chapters with all that dragon action... but... yeah... I'm going for that sweet, sweet slow build and slow burn... and here's to hoping I'm managing it, no matter how excruciating it might be for you. I do have a rough outline for everything to come - like that reveal you all know will be coming eventually. Not telling when though~
> 
> I'm also in for Sakura developing some good relations with random OC elves as well an canon characters, since we've got to fill Imladris out a bit. Here's to hoping you're still enjoying the story!


	19. but everything that hurt

Her eyelids felt as though they had been glued shut, and Sakura could only groan lowly as she came to right then and there. _He was back,_ unless that had been an odd fever dream and Noeneth had been the one to bring her back. Sakura wasn’t quite sure which option she would prefer as she lay there, blinking blearily at the ceiling. A glance to one side of the room – the side with the chair propped close by to the bed – told her of the truth.

Sakura flopped back down on the bed from where she had sat up with a groan, and Glorfindel smiled merrily at her. Clueless as to how very much she wanted to be anywhere but in his presence. _Not that she could say it._ She could never and would never deny him. _Because you love him,_ the voice whispered bitingly, _how could you know a thing about love?_ A huff of air escaped her, and she stared determinedly at the ceiling. _Greedy, greedy, little monster._

“Good morning to you too,” he said, chair creaking somewhat as he shifted his weight forward. “I trust you have recovered from your ill-timed adventure yesterday?”

“Mmm,” Sakura grumbled, groggy and half-delirious from what felt like a lack of sleep. “Why are you here?” she asked, her awakening having left her a few braincells short of a full set. “Surely there are better things for you to be doing at this hour…” There did, after all, have to be better things to do than babysit a dragon. _Not that any knew she was such a fell beast,_ or so Sakura mused.

“Noeneth is taking a well earned rest from watching over you,” her soulmate explained, a wry grin on his lips in that instant. “So now I may see how I fare at ensuring you do not venture out on any unwelcome explorings which may bring you to further harm.”

“I guess I will just have to stay in my room then,” she said, shifting atop the bed then, careful of her injuries – what with the narrowed grey eyes settled upon her as she shuffled about to find a comfortable position.

“Though I have been informed it is ill advised to allow you free reign with a needle and thread,” he remarked, glancing towards where she knew her embroidery had been left, needle, thread, and all. “Noeneth mentioned you have an unfortunate habit of injuring your fingers.”

Sakura chewed on her lip then, shifting in her bed yet again, making a mental note to get Glorfindel to let her out for a short walk _because bed sores were a thing._ It was strange – to have to ask for permission and the like for those kinds of things, but Sakura supposed that was what she got. _More so for being an apparently rather troublesome patient. For being a bother._ “It’s not like it makes my chest any worse,” she mumbled, squirming under the weight of those grey _almost knowing_ eyes. Sakura wondered whether it was something specific to elf lords, to have an aura of _knowing-ness_ around them at some times.

It wasn’t like she had ever gotten the chance to interact with another one before. Any she had come across had been too eager to kill her to engage in conversation before that point. _Not that she would’ve, because she too had only been interested in killing them._ Her hands curled into fists, shame overflowing at the memory of trying to get his _love_ in that second life of hers there. Melkor hadn’t been capable of such. Sakura only wished she had known that way back then. Maybe then she might’ve had a chance at a happier ending.

_But you didn’t,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura stared determinedly at her toes, not wanting to meet those grey eyes as the memories flashed behind her own as shame pulsed through her, thick and hot.

“Lothien, the fact remains that you are becoming injured, and that is never anything good,” Glorfindel said, biting on his own lip – an expression which seemed oddly out of place upon his noble face. “It matters not if your actions do not worsen your already present injuries, since you are merely giving yourself more, albeit in different places.” He tilted his head, staring at her contemplatively, and Sakura took the time to note that he was wearing a blue version of the tunic he had worn yesterday. Sakura wondered how many other colours he would suit. _It was a far cry from the black she felt she ought to be wearing._ “Tell me, do you take joy in being in pain?” he asked, and Sakura wrapped her arms around herself then, highly uncomfortable with where that particular line of questioning was heading.

“Hardly,” she muttered, resting her chin upon her knees as she felt those grey eyes boring into her so. “Pain is pain, and there is nothing joyful about it.” _The world will know pain, huh?_ the voice whispered, insidious as ever. _You certainly entertained those sentiments, didn’t you, dragon?_

“Then what reason is there to inflict more upon yourself?” Glorfindel stood suddenly, and Sakura could only look determinedly away as he strode purposefully to her side. _No doubt pulled by the magnetic connection soulmates had. He shouldn’t have come closer otherwise, nor been as attached as he seemingly would._ “The fact you look away rather than claim them accidents is far more telling than it ought to be.” His hand sought her own, and Sakura couldn’t bear to look at him. _Truly, he was everything she wasn’t. Everything she could never be._ “The fact I heard your whisper last night…” His voice died away, long fingers curling around her dainty hand. _It was so unlike how a dragon’s was meant to be._ “Will you not tell me, friend?”

_Friend._

The word made her see red, finally, having been used far too much, and with far too greater a frequency as of late. _The straw that broke the camel’s back._ She had been stuck around her natural enemy – elves – and they treated her nicely as they weren’t meant to, and now they were calling her _friend._ It was too much. _They were wrong._

Anger and fear burnt in her belly, and she wrenched her hand away, wrapping it back around herself alongside its companion. _She didn’t deserve to be called a friend. Not by him. Not by Noeneth._ “We’ve known each other for a matter of weeks… and you expect me to tell you everything?” Her lips pulled back, baring her _too sharp_ teeth. _A dragon’s fangs._ “Why? Because we both are down on our luck with our soulmates? Because you think us kindred spirits?” A scoff escaped her before she could help it. “You know _nothing._ ”

“Perhaps that is due to the fact my dear new friend is so very tight-lipped…” Glorfindel replied, but Sakura could already hear the traces of _hurt_ in his voice. _Because you’re a mean dragon…_ the voice purred, _and you’ll never be anything but._ She wondered why he stuck around her, despite the hurt she had caused him time and time again. Her eyes narrowed, and she curled further into a ball – as much as she could truly get away with, sat up as she was. He was too close to her for comfort, and it made a war wage within her. _Since a small part of her wanted nothing more than to bury herself in his presence, his warmth, and cry her heart out._ The larger part of her knew she ought not to immerse herself in that warmth. It was just something which would be taken from her. _Not that she deserved it in the first place._

Laughter, bitter and cold, escaped her then, part of her screaming internally at how very _cold_ and _antagonistic_ she was being to her soulmate. _Just like a dragon,_ the voice murmured, the thought so very sickly sweet and all consuming. “So why do you call me a friend?”

“Friends come in many forms, say those who would jump between you and injury,” he said, golden brows arching up ever so slightly.

Acrid green finally met soft, bright grey, and Sakura barely concealed the flinch. “Do you not think that perhaps I was just in it for the _pain?”_ she asked, mocking and loathing all but dripping from her words like a sickly sweet honey. _Like a horrid poison._ The voice hummed in the back of her head. _Yes, that’s a better way to describe it so…_ Her stomach twisted, hands fisting in the sheets she lay atop as the voice in her head grew louder and louder. She wanted to place her hands over her ears and scream to be rid of the noise _which was always so very right, and yet she didn’t want to hear it._ Not there. Not then.

“I believe you just said you take no pleasure in pain,” Glorfindel remarked, and Sakura tore her gaze away. _So very contradictory,_ the voice mumbled in glee. “So you would not have been motivated by that as such.”

“And you’re _so very_ certain of that, aren’t you?” she spat, hands coming up to tear at her pink locks. _She hated them. Hated their trickery and deception and how they made her seem beautiful outwardly when she was anything but inwardly._ She hated the hands which came up to encircle her own that much more. _Why couldn’t he have just left it alone – left her to her pain and attempted mockery of redemption?_

“Lothien, calm yourself…”

Sakura snarled, glaring at him then, fighting against the larger hands which ensconced her own in their strong grasp. The one which belonged to the elf who thought he knew the truth of her but had been so very misguided in his assumptions. _All thanks to you,_ the voice purred. _What a wonderful creature of trickery and deception you are…_ Her teeth ground together at the words rattling about in her head. “ _No!”_

“Then at the very least, please stop attempting to tear your hair out. It is very beautiful—”

“No!” Sakura hissed, vaguely aware she was acting like some sort of petulant child, denying him verbally like that. _Not that she particularly cared in that moment._ All which mattered was an outlet for that burning bubble of hatred and anger within her. “It’s my hair, and I’ll do what I want with it!”

“Lothien, I have the strangest inclination that you will regret tearing your hair out – not the least because you do not appear to be in the right state of mind—”

Fury bubbled over. _She was in the best state of mind._ A guttural snarl escaped her then, and she shifted as best as she could within his grasp. _If he knew what she did, there was little doubt he would approve of all that she was inflicting upon herself._ He was the one who was wrong. _Even if he was her perfect soulmate._ He only believed what he did because she was tricking him, deceiving them all. “No!” she hissed yet again, launching herself at him with enough force to take the both of them down to the ground. _If she used her chakra to bolster her strength, then that was her business, and hers alone._

His hands stuck around her own throughout the entirety of it all, and Sakura felt all the air escape her lungs, along with a sharp rush of pain through her ribs and back as she fell on top of him. A moan of pain escaped her, the jolt of disturbing her injuries snapping her back to her senses somewhat. _Elves didn’t seen fine with allowing her pain and tearing out her hair would be so very obvious. There were more decidedly less noticeable ways for her to accomplish that which she wished._ Her eyelids drooped, the rush of annoyance and anger fading like the bubble had been burst, fading as quickly as it had set upon her. Dark feelings washed away, like water down a drain, and Sakura was left with regret and shame. _Old friends by that point in time._

“Lothien!”

His chest shifted, elbows propping him up enough to glance down at where she had fallen – and still lay. “’m fine,” she grumbled, words muffled by the fabric of his tunic. It was terribly comfy, lying atop her soulmate, that was. Sakura rather wanted to bask in that warmth forever. _But you don’t deserve it,_ the voice murmured.

Her temporary mattress moved then, a hand moving down to steady her, and Sakura knew he was about to move. _She didn’t want him to._ She screwed her eyes shut. _What a greedy, selfish dragon you are…_

“If you knew that which I do…” The words fell from her lips unbidden. “You would approve of my pain and suffering,” she murmured, wondering about the way he tensed beneath her at that, a near silent _‘Lothien’_ falling from his lips in a croon. She couldn’t figure out the emotion behind it – couldn’t figure out why he was so attached to her without even knowing the truth behind their respective soulmarks. “You would probably approve of my death too…”

“Lothien—”

Tears bit at the corners of her eyes, hands moving up to clutch at him, a wordless, barely muffled sob escaping her before she could rein herself in. _Because she was all but tormenting herself with that which she could never have._ “Can we just… stay like this for a little while?” she asked, mouth still moving independently of her brain. _Following that accursed heart of hers which still hoped and longed for love._ “Please.”

A sigh escaped him then, and Sakura closed her eyes as she felt his gaze fall from her – turning instead towards the ceiling above. “Very well,” he whispered, voice perilously soft. _As though if he spoke at normal volume she might shatter like glass._

She felt as though she honestly might.

Sakura buried her face in his chest, tears pouring from her eyes as though someone had turned a tap on. _She couldn’t turn it off, no matter how much she wanted to – no matter how much she wanted to stop bothering her soulmate._ She clamped her lips shut, silently apologising over and over again within the depths of her mind to her _kind, wonderful, perfect_ soulmate whom she really didn’t deserve.

Soft shushing sounds mingled with the noise of her tears and quiet sobs _for that which she could never have._ A hand wove its way into her locks, smoothing her hair down to reach the top of her back – the lowest he could really reach what with her lying on top of him. Glorfindel could easily get up if he wanted, Sakura knew him strong enough to cast her aside. _But he didn’t._ Sakura wondered over what it meant, and why he allowed it. _Only because he doesn’t know,_ the voice reminded, and Sakura felt her heart sink.

But that greedy part of her refused to let go of him in that instant, and only when the beckoning of sleep called, did she relinquish her grip on her soulmate.

Noeneth and Lord Elrond found them hours later in that same position.

* * *

There was nothing quite like waking up in the arms of one’s soulmate. Though the elated feelings were soon quashed by the reminder that Glorfindel knew nothing really. Not about the truth of the matter about their strange connection. _Besides, it wouldn’t last when the secrets came out, as they were all but guaranteed to do._ Sakura knew she ought to be preparing herself for that day, however one was meant to. _But you don’t, do you, greedy dragon?_ the voice whispered, seeming as ever present as it had been as of late.

Glorfindel sat by her bed by that point in time, grey eyes watching her far more intently than before as she ate her dinner, the hour late by then, thanks to her impromptu nap. It made her rather want to squirm, but her poker face was well and truly in place. _Deception is what you’re good at,_ the voice chimed in.

“Lothien.” The sound of her name on his lips came when she had set her tray aside. _With some degree of help, since she had made her injuries somewhat worse with her… activity before._ The look Lord Elrond had given her at that announcement had made her want to scurry into a deep, dark hole, never to be seen again.

Sakura stared listlessly across the room, praying he wasn’t about to start asking questions. She was calm by then, but…

“Will you not look at me?” he asked and she could see the movement of his hands at the side of her bed, hesitating just before they could touch her own. _As though he wanted to hold her hand and tell her all would be alright._ Sakura barely concealed the snort at that thought. _That was nothing but a mere delusion of her hope-addled heart._

She tilted her head away from him, hands clenching ever so slightly because how could she look at him after everything, ashamed as she was?

“Will you not at least tell—”

“Don’t.” Her voice was weak, slightly hoarse from the crying and wailing she had done before. _You did bawl like a little baby, after all._ “Please.”

Glorfindel opened his mouth, but whatever he had been about to say died on his lips. His shoulders sunk, hand seemingly moving of its own volition to capture one of her own. _Sakura didn’t know why he wanted to hold her hand._ It wasn’t like he knew… _But that was what everything boiled down to in the end._

He didn’t know.

Sakura didn’t want him to. _Not yet, at the very least, because she was far too cowardly to face the consequences of her past actions. Because she was far too frightened to even try and bear the hatred which would be set upon her when the truth came to light._

That, in the end, was what it all boiled down to.


	20. I feel it my soul

Sighing softly, Sakura stared at the ceiling, silently listening to the sounds of pages turning as she lay there listlessly. It was like somebody had tied a weight to her – a big, fat, heavy weight, intent on keeping her down. _Because everything was spiralling._ Trapped as she was by the weight, she felt as though she was in freefall. The reason for it could all be traced back to one source. One, beautiful, golden-haired source, who in that current moment in time was reading a bound book beside her bed. Grey eyes occasionally glanced over at her, the feeling of being watched making her skin prickle, but Sakura had yet to meet his gaze even once. Partly because she knew she would cave into whatever his demand was, answer any question that she could, and even, possibly, try to hug him. _As though she deserved and needed hugs._

_Hugs aren’t for monsters,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura could feel it then, it’s words almost tangible as they wrapped around her throat and _squeezed_ ever so gently. Time had passed at a rate Sakura hadn’t quite kept focus of her body mechanically going through motions to keep her alive without her really, truly being aware of them. Not with the weights set upon her. Not with how heavy her limbs felt. Not with how the comfortable silence choked her so.

The rustle of pages stopped all of a sudden, the lack of that familiar background noise making her stir into a state slightly more wakeful than the one she had been in for – Sakura glanced at the window, noting the darkness of the sky – most of the previous night and day, that was. A small, decisive snap of a book being closed made her tense, and Sakura could only close her eyes and let out a breath as her soulmate spoke for what had to be the first time that day. _After the events of the previous day._ Shame and revulsion curled in her gut at the thought of everything which had gone down. “Lothien.” The sound of her name rang out, an unspoken request hidden within them. _Look at me._ Though to Sakura that request was more akin to an order. She couldn’t really deny him, no matter how much she tried.

So Sakura turned, meeting those grey eyes she had come to hate and love in equal measures. Tilting her head, she stared at him, lips not moving. _She didn’t know what to say._ Words had escaped her by then, becoming a twisted tangle she couldn’t piece together to form a coherent sentence.

“Do you wish to venture out on a walk?” Glorfindel asked. “You have not seemed like yourself today, and perhaps some adventure will help, that is, if your previous misadventures have proven anything true.”

Her body was moving before she could even think to answer, legs swinging out of bed, and Sakura blinked at the blue dress she was now wearing. She couldn’t remember putting it on. She stood then, a familiar presence making itself known at her side, and Sakura could only stumble forwards, feeling like a new-born colt as she did so. She felt clunky and out of place, though she presumed she had the fact she was stuck in an elven realm to blame for the latter. _Possibly the former too._ Though Glorfindel acted like nothing was wrong with her. _Like he was perfectly fine with her presence there._ A shaky breath escaped her, the voice reminding her then. _He doesn’t know._ Her shoulders shook, tears threatening to well in her eyes, but Sakura pushed them back with a valiant effort. She was tired of crying. She was tired of everything.

“Will you not indulge me in conversation?” her soulmate asked, voice piercing through the silence which hung between them. “Or we can find somewhere quiet, if that is what you would prefer?”

“Quiet,” Sakura murmured softly. _She wanted to go someplace quiet – away from the hustle and bustle of Imladris._ Though she rather suspected it would merely be a quiet place within _Imladris_. It was hardly like she could escape the clutches of elves so very easily. “Somewhere quiet.”

He inclined his head, leading her away from the noise, and with each step they took further away from the hustle and bustle, Sakura felt the tension slip from her shoulders somewhat. _She really had the tendency to automatically become far too relaxed in her soulmate’s presence._ Chewing on her lip at the reminder, she followed Glorfindel, a smile pulling at her lips as he led her to that out-of-the-way courtyard he had found her in upon his return.

As much as she would’ve enjoyed flopping back on the grass and gazing at the stars, she found herself being led over to a nearby bench she had overlooked before. There was something on her feet that time around, along with a warmer cloak, meaning she didn’t feel the cold as much, if at all. Which probably meant her soulmate would allow her to stay out longer. _She wouldn’t be carried back._ Sakura ignored the part of her which was disappointed at the thought. _That selfish, greedy part of her which wanted to paint her soulmate black and have him love a monster._ She could never taint him though. She didn’t want to, because he was far too good for her.

Her stomach twisted, tying itself up in knots as she hugged her knees to her chest, skin prickling at the source of heat she could feel sitting far too close to her. _He radiated warmth and light._ A hopeless smile pulled at her lips. _He wasn’t hers to have._ Her head fell against his broad shoulder, body leeching heat which she latched herself to, _like the parasite you are,_ the voice whispered. Hair fell in front of her face, obnoxiously pink, and Sakura had the vaguest urge to try and tear it from her scalp again.

As if picking up on the turn of her thoughts, his hand appeared in her peripheral, fingers smoothing her hair back, the touch feather-soft upon her brow. _And probably checking for some sort of fever of sickness in the meantime._ She had been around her soulmate for far too long – to have picked up on snippets of information like that. Information she hoarded away like the dragon she was. “Why do you care so much as to my fate? I was rather led to believe elves were more… indifferent when it comes to all things outside their realm…”

“You dwell in this elven realm, do you not?” One golden brow arched, and Sakura abruptly felt idiotic and _lesser_ in every way possible. “Then there is the matter of you promising me your protection, and so I think that makes us both each other’s businesses.”

Sakura opened her mouth, unable to think of any sort of retort for that. _For any good reason to push him away and demand he not come close for fear of her taint, whilst hiding behind the cowardice of refusing to admit that which she had done._

“Can you not feel this too?” he asked, demanding her attention then – attention all too willingly given. “This… intangible connection I know not how to describe…” Searching eyes found her acrid ones, seeking an answer. _One she refused to give, because it would change everything._ And Sakura was far too greedy, especially for those smiles and the general attention she almost seemed to bask in. _How selfish and greedy can you get?_ the voice murmured, and Sakura bit her lip hard enough to bleed. _You think you’re worthy of standing at his side? I wonder… have you taken a look in the mirror recently?_ Her shoulders slumped, and even the soft sigh and the gentle fingers which came up to brush away the dark red stain of her blood couldn't lighten the oppressive mood which seemed to have fallen around her

Her hands twitched, curling into fists then. “No,” she said, tearing her eyes away from those ones which were so _good_ and _righteous._ She couldn’t bear to meet his gaze, not when she was denying him the answers he seemed to seek so desperately. “I do not.” Her jaw clenched, and she looked to the stars, praying she might find some sort of guidance. _But there was none there – not for a monster such as she._

Fingers grasped at her chin then, firm and unyielding, and Sakura found herself meeting those grey eyes which tore through her so. Glorfindel frowned, and she could only swallow nervously. _Had something changed in her eyes? Had he figured out that which she was?_ Her heart beat in her chest, so loud Sakura thought it ought to have been audible to all. “You lie,” he said, plain as day, yet bizarrely unconcerned, and Sakura couldn’t conceal the flinch that time around. “The proof is in your body and face. They tell a different story to those words which slip from your lips.”

Her hands trembled then, and Sakura shuffled away as far as the hands which grasped at her so would allow. “Do I owe you answers?” she asked, shaking because she already knew the answer to that. But it was an answer she was so very unwilling to give.

Grey eyes tightened, narrowing ever so slightly, and Glorfindel’s shoulders slumped then. “No, I suppose you do not,” he murmured, fingers still tracing her jawline as though it might magically reveal the answers he sought. _Though, really, all it would take would be the sudden flicker of scales upon her skin to give the game away._ “Though I presume you do need to keep that air of mystery about yourself,” he declared, smiling so brightly then, a complete turn from the sombre mood of only moments before, and Sakura couldn’t fathom how he had been bound to her. _What right did she have to make miserable that joyous being so full of life and love?_

No love could be spared for a monster. In fact, monsters weren’t even supposed to be able to love. They only destroyed.

Though that accursed hope – that tiny little ember trapped inside her chest – refused to fade, whispering so very faintly that maybe… just maybe… She hated it; _all the feelings he wrought from her, both good and bad._ Part of her wanted to laugh. Part of her just wanted to find the nearest cliffside to throw herself off and end it all. _But you’ll just end up back in the Elemental Nations, won’t you?_ the voice whispered. _Admit it, you’re trapped in this cycle, and you’ll never be let go… all because you deserve this pain…_

“You’re… right…” Sakura mumbled, feeling so very spent by that point, her voice dull and lifeless, resembling the husk she felt herself as.

Golden brows drew together in a frown. “Forgive me, friend,” he said, voice taking on that soft note she always found there when she found herself feeling as though she were about to break. _To crumble to dust. To shatter like glass._ “Those words of mine were only meant to lighten the mood… I cannot bear to see you sad, not when I recall how very full of life you were only a matter of days ago.” Back when she hadn’t been trapped in an elven realm and hadn’t spent far too long basking in a presence bound to leave her one day soon. _Once it was discovered what she was._

The thought of that occurring made her feel sick to the stomach.

“You look ill,” her soulmate remarked, and Sakura, silently, cursed how very perceptive and attuned to her Glorfindel was. “Do you wish to venture back to your rooms?”

A wry, weak smile curled at her lips. “That is quite a blunt way to put it,” she said, letting herself fall back on his shoulder, pink locks mingling with golden ones, and that greedy, possessive part of her made her fingers tangle in that mix of pink and gold, twirling the strands around those digits. She looked up at him then, meeting those grey eyes of his which always felt as though they ought to see through her guise. “Tell me, when will you be switching out with Noeneth once more?” she asked, wondering how many more days would be spent at his side, torturing herself more and more. “I find myself missing her more and more…”

Bemused, he inclined his head, staring down at her levelly. “Do you truly?” he asked. “Rather, it sounds more like you wish to be rid of me…” He chuckled, but there was an odd intensity to his gaze. She didn’t know how to describe it, but then again she had never been good at that. More so when it came to figuring out what was going through that pretty head of her soulmate.

Sakura tucked her chin down, fixing her gaze on the leafy ivy wrapping around one of the greyish white pillars in her line of sight. “You should stay far, _far_ away from me, Glorfindel,” she murmured, her voice barely more than a low hum as she spoke what was probably the most truth she had all day. “I will only bring you ruin.”

His hand mussed in her hair, resting there, keeping her snuggled against him in a way she really shouldn’t have been. _Greedy, greedy dragon,_ the snide voice sung. “I do not think I would like it if you were to be far away from my side,” he said, frowning then. “Perhaps due to this inexplicable connection of ours…”

“Believe me, you would be far better off if I was further away,” she replied, hiding her face in the tunic he wore. “You are far too perfect to stand alongside someone like me…” she whispered, closing her eyes then, hiding and repressing the tears which wanted to flow then. Though Sakura hardly wished to break down – to shatter before her soulmate yet again. She had already burdened him far too much.

The grip on the back of her head tightened inexplicably, and Sakura found herself pressed against him that much more closely. It probably ought to have been uncomfortable, trapped against him as she was, but her heart only raced and pounded, and that unsightly flame of hope reared its ugly head. “Do not think me perfect, Lothien,” he mumbled, chest rumbling with his words. “I do not always consider that which others wish, nor do I act in ways which always will benefit my people so. I am all too capable of being selfish.”

Her throat felt dry at those words, _because really, he couldn’t seem to see how very wonderful and perfect he was._ She wasn’t doing either of them any favours by staying. “I should leave,” she whispered, acutely aware of the fact both of them knew it was not merely leaving and heading back to her room that she was speaking of.

An arm like an iron bar snaked around her waist then, joining the hand at the base of her skull in trapping her there. “You cannot,” he declared, and Sakura barely managed to catch a glimpse of the fervour shining in those grey eyes. “You have not healed yet, and even after such a time…” He trailed off, a frown marring his brow as green once again met with grey. _Her eyes were such an ugly colouring._ She didn’t understand how any could bear to look upon them as Glorfindel did then. She didn’t know how or why they gave away nothing as to her true identity.

“Would it really be so terrible if I died out in the wilderness?” she wondered, whilst also wondering where her brain-to-mouth filter had gone. Really, part of her had already anticipated the tightening of his grasp upon her, and both parts of her relished in it. Because there was comfort, but his grip was also far too tight. More so if she had truly been human, but the body – either form – of a dragon skin-changer was stronger than such a being. _The kind of being she had been so very long ago._ She missed it – being human, that was. _Maybe then she would have been able to walk at his side…_

A throat cleared nearby, and Sakura had trouble turning her head to find whoever had interrupted her. The greedy part of her snarled at being interrupted, whilst the rest of her rejoiced as she caught sight of a familiar dark-haired elleth standing there on one side of the bench she had been all but trapped upon.

“Noeneth,” Glorfindel greeted, though his words were clipped, his greeting something other than the cheerful, merry one Sakura had come to know and expect from her soulmate. “What brings you here?”

“You are hurting her,” Noeneth said bluntly, and Glorfindel stiffened beneath her.

“I do not—”

Noeneth sighed. “You are holding her far too tightly, Lord Glorfindel,” she continued, and Sakura was torn between delight and disappointment as her self-proclaimed friend made her soulmate loosen that crushing grasp of her he had. “Do not forget she is mortal… her body is not the same as those of our kin.”

“I don’t mind,” Sakura murmured, and Glorfindel sighed, long and deep, releasing his grasp upon her finally. A hand went to his own head, fingers raking through his golden locks.

“No sense of self-preservation,” he whispered, grey eyes flickering between her and Noeneth for a matter of moments before he pulled himself to his feet. “It seems as though I ought to leave you to the tender care of Noeneth for the time being,” he said, smiling at her then, face set back to what had to be its default cheerful setting. “I will return at a later hour.”

Sakura watched him go, biting on her lip as she did so. Truly, she hated the contradictory feelings within her. _She just wanted to be able to let go… let go of that greedy part of her which hungered for love._ A huff escaped her. _You’d have thought after three lifetimes, you’d have learned you won’t ever be loved,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura’s hands curled into fists, nails digging into her palms. _Because, really, she ought to have learnt her lesson by then._

She wasn’t made to be loved.

“My, Lothien,” Noeneth said, arms folded across her chest then as she stared down at her, concern tinged with reluctant mirth drawn upon her face. “Whatever are we going to do with you…”

Frowning, she looked at the elleth in confusion, only for Noeneth to sigh again. “What’s the matter?” she asked, ignoring the low whisper in the back of her head. _Pretender. Fake. Imposter._

“One would think you would have the common sense as to not provoke the elf lord who is taking your care so very seriously,” Noeneth remarked, huffing softly then before she offered a hand out to her. Palm up. An offer of help she really shouldn’t have been giving to a dragon. _She wouldn’t do that if she knew that which you were,_ the voice purred, confirming her very thoughts themselves. “I believe I told you before – I do have my doubts you will be familiar with the affection he will show to you, but I have little doubt you will soon learn what it means to hold the attention of a very old, and very powerful elf.”

Sakura blinked dumbly, earning yet another sigh from the pretty, dark-haired elleth.

Her hand moved from the offer of assistance, instead tucking a stray lock of pink hair back behind her ear, the feel of her fingertips lightly brushing against her skin so different to those of her soulmate. “Lord Glorfindel is attached to you now, friend,” she explained so very patiently. “You should hear of how he speaks of you when apart…” Noeneth rocked back on her heels, a sly smile quirking at her lips then. “Truly, I fear he might just have a new obsession. Though for the record, I much prefer this one to that of dragons.”

Her heart pounded then, accursed hope rising in a way she wished it wouldn’t. _It was far too cruel to give her hope once more._ She tilted her head then, brow furrowing at her words. _So that elleth you’re deceiving thinks your oh-so precious soulmate has a new obsession…_ the voice purred, mocking laughter ringing in her ears, and Sakura couldn’t quite muster the will to inform Noeneth that those obsessions might as well have been one and the same.


	21. it isn't in my skin

“Will you not come out of your rooms for breakfast?” Noeneth asked, tilting her head as she stood in the doorway. “I fear you do not venture out enough, and it is hardly healthy to remain cooped up in one place with but a handful of faces to come and see you when they can spare the time,” she remarked, before a fond, mirthful, and slightly sly smile graced her lips. “All aside from your greatest admirer, that is – he is the one who makes time for you.”

Sakura smiled, lips feeling as though they were betraying her as she kept up the happy charade she had only recently started practicing. It had made Noeneth’s concern for her health subside somewhat. _Acting is so very important to you, isn’t it, deceiver?_ the voice purred, reminding her of how much of a pretender she was. Everyone hated those kinds of people. _Fakes_. They would hate her too when they learned of the truth. “You say that like I should be glad he does as such… But I’m certain there are more important tasks he could be doing than visiting me,” she murmured demurely, an ache in her chest – her heart at the reminder of her soulmate’s constant visits.

Being the focus of those cutting grey eyes for a few hours on end was unnerving, and yet she longed for those hours. The times she could sneak off somewhere quiet and snuggle into the blissful warmth which was her soulmate. It made her icy heart feel hotter, and she felt content there on a base level. Of course, the whispers didn’t subside when she went near him, rather they only reached the height of their fervour. _Unworthy,_ the voice murmured, ever a reality check, reminding her of her rightful place there. She would never have him, no matter what that glimmer of hope which had stuck fast to her made her feel.

“You _are_ important, more so to him, especially. Indeed, I have heard tales of your heroism, and as such can see why that would be. I would wager every soul in Imladris has heard of your feats regarding your dragon slaying adventure,” Noeneth reminded, eyes lingering on her as she sat on the edge of her bed. _Heroism._ Sakura hated the word. _Well, when it was applied to her that was for she was no hero._ She let out a breath of her frustrations at everything that word held her to. _Rather,_ the voice whispered, _you’re the exact opposite, aren’t you?_ “I have told you many a times before – there are few who would be willing to leap before a dragon’s tail to protect another. He pays you back in turn for this, and I am rather led to believe he is to hold you yet in high regard. Like it or no, you have unwittingly become something of a friend to Lord Glorfindel… become a person important to him so, and this is something which cannot be taken aback. Though I would trust you are accustomed to his affections in these regards by this point in time.”

She bit her lip then, staring determinedly at the wall. “He indulges me too much,” she admitted, shoulders sinking. She took too much. _Greedy, greedy dragon,_ the voice whispered, those words eternally on repeat in her mind like a mantra. They never let her forget that which she was. Sakura supposed she ought to be grateful for that. It wasn’t like she could bury all which she had done. She was meant to face the consequences of her actions, and she would’ve. _Had she not been as much of a coward as she was._ “I take more than I should.”

Sakura could feel Noeneth’s eyes set upon her then, and she barely refrained the flinch. “Believe me, he would inform you, if ever you overstepped your bounds,” she said. “The affections of elves can sometimes be subtle in nature—”

A snort escaped her before she could stop herself. “Subtle?”

A grin pulled at Noeneth’s lips, and that musical laughter which was seemingly unique to elves rang out. “Indeed—”

“Well, folk often say that his soulmark has affected him so,” a familiar voice rang out – one Sakura had only grown accustomed to relatively recently.

Noeneth scowled somewhat, pale grey eyes falling upon a darker set. “Leithedir,” she said, lip curling. “Common courtesy involves knocking before sneaking into a room – more so when the room in question belongs to one of the opposite gender,” she continued, arms folded even as the ellon smiled merrily at her. “Though I will be most happy to inform Lord Glorfindel of the fact you are all too eager to sneak into—”

“I give, my lady,” Leithedir cried, a smile set upon his lips. “Truly, I am no match for you!”

“Indeed,” Noeneth said bluntly. “You—”

“What do you mean?” Sakura demanded, fear pulsing in her throat, chest heavy at Leithedir’s words. At the glance of confusion, she elaborated. “When you say his soulmark has affected him so – what do you mean?” Her hands trembled, fingers curling in the sheets atop her bed as worry stirred inside her. _How had she tainted him – ruined him?_

“Well, my lady,” Leithedir said, rising from the crouch he had been situated in. “As you may yet have noticed, if rumour is anything to base off, the attention of our wonderful golden lord is somewhat intense… and then there is the odd tendency he has when it comes to people or other items which he deems precious…”

“Essentially,” Noeneth added, still staring at Leithedir as though he were an ant beneath a boot. “What this oaf here is trying to explain, is that Lord Glorfindel has a tendency to hoard things which have become precious and curious to him so. Now, perhaps had his soulmark had a different name”— _as it should have_ —“then people would not have spoken of this matter as much. It may yet merely be a circumstance of his upbringing and life after which has led him to… obsess – for lack of a better word to describe it politely – over those precious few who become important to him, as you have done such, but that is the fact of the matter.”

Sakura blinked, feeling as though a gaping chasm had opened within her stomach at the thought. “I… see,” she murmured. Her hands clenched, teeth biting at her lip because she had brought him such misery – enough for him to be compared to the filthy fell beasts he despised so. That in itself was a tragedy indeed. _Yes, yes,_ the sly voice whispered upon the eaves of her mind, ever taunting, ever agreeing with every misery-filled thought about herself. _Always so very true, a reminder of what she had done and thus become to those of that world._

“Do not fret,” Noeneth said, mistaking her self-loathing for something rather different. “It is hardly as though he is a dragon – and you should not judge him because of these little rumours and facts as such… ‘tis likely why he oftentimes finds it difficult to interact with others as friends… alas, his soulmark is a heavy burden to bear!”

“I know he is no dragon,” Sakura muttered, heart feeling like ice had been stabbed through it once more. _She was the true dragon out of all who dwelt in that realm so fair and free, and nothing would ever let her forget such a fact._ “Believe me, I know that well enough. How ever could I judge him for being misfortunate enough to be bound to such a monstrous beast?” _Such_ _as she was._ Rather, she should blame whoever bound them together so. There was nothing but a cruel ending awaiting him, and a just ending awaiting her.

“Good,” Noeneth replied, happily oblivious to her inner turmoil which stirred at her words. “I do not wish to be blamed for turning you against our precious golden lord. That would no doubt stir his wrath from where it sleeps… Indeed, he does have a terribly wrathful side to him, though it is better saved for the enemy – and I have little doubt any who hurt you so would thus forward be classed even mildly as such.”

Sakura wondered what her soulmate would look like, wrathful as he had apparently been described just then. She couldn’t picture it – sweet and kind as her soulmate was, happy to spend his days at her side when she was nothing more than a boring mortal in his eyes. He would hate her so when the truth came out. _But she would allow herself to die by his hand, should it come to it, as it no doubt would._ “He only cares for me so because he feels as though we have a connection,” she murmured then, uncertain if she was attempting to defend herself – _you really think you deserve to defend yourself?_ that familiar snide voice chimed – or whether she was trying to protect her precious soulmate so, as he deserved to be. _Protected and shielded from all things dark and evil_. She nodded then. _Oh,_ the voice purred, _so – you, then._

Noeneth tilted her head then, eyes unreadable. “Is that not how many friendships and other relationships begin?” she asked, seating herself at her side then. “Besides, is it not correct to care for others as they have cared for you, and you have most certainly taken care of a certain lord, thus…?”

“Perhaps,” Sakura mumbled glumly, unable to think of a worthy refute. _Imagine that,_ she mused dryly to herself, _a dragon being unable to think of a witty retort!_

_Though it hardly makes you any lesser of a dragon,_ the voice reminded, the words cutting into her so, biting deep at the wounds in her heart. It hurt. Sakura supposed she ought to have been used to such a pain by then. _You deserve it._ Sakura inclined her head, gracing that with a silent response. _Indeed._

“Then,” Noeneth stated pointedly, graciously drawing her from thoughts she no longer wanted to be trapped within, “shall we get to dining whether here or in the halls below? Perhaps we can see if we can improve your embroidery so afterwards. Though know I will not allow you to prick your fingers as you are so inclined to,” she declared, an impish smile curving upon her full lips. It was a nice look – so much better than the horrible smile which split her own lips when she attempted to smile. _Though only when you actually feel happy,_ the voice mumbled then. _After all, that façade you wear is coming along so very beautifully_. Sakura closed her eyes, and Noeneth continued brightly, oblivious to the storm raging within her chest. “Rather if you do as such, I will be very happy to inflict Lord Glorfindel upon you. I have little doubt he will have a much greater chance of success in such an endeavour when compared with myself.”

* * *

“So…” One golden brow arched, fine fingers steepled before him as they rested in his lap. “Why is it I have heard Noeneth’s complaints of your failed attempts at embroidery?”

Sakura glanced off to one side, a lump in her throat as those grey eyes bore into the side of her head. “Because I am apparently so very terrible at such a thing,” she muttered, stomach twisting itself in knots. “My hand-eye coordination when it comes to stabbing cloth with a tiny needle is apparently not good enough.” _What a pretty lie,_ the voice purred. _Just admit it already – you’re a monster and you deserve to be in constant pain…_

“Lothien,” her soulmate sighed, the sound of his voice slicing through the façade of _normalness_ that she wore. “Please. Do not lie to me, and do not lie to yourself either,” he said, and Sakura brought her feet up, perching them atop the seat upon which she sat. “It is beneficial neither to you nor me…”

“And what truth do you want?” she asked, very much feeling as though she was playing with fire – courting the flames which had once spewed from her mouth so readily before.

Acrid green clashed with grey, Sakura scrounging every scrap of her willpower in order to deny him so. Despite that, her resolve crumbled like wet paper. _Useless,_ the voice murmured. _Really, do you have to be so embarrassingly weak?_ “Whatever truth you are willing to share with me, dear friend…” he said, and Sakura could only flinch. _She wasn’t a friend of the elves in any way, shape, or form._

“The truth, huh?” she murmured, staring at her hands then, wondering why no one realised the amount of elven blood coating them. “There are many of them…” _and they all led back to the one main truth – she was his soulmate; a dragon._

“There is plenty of time,” Glorfindel said. “Indeed, you will be here for many a summers yet, until Aravir graces us with his presence once more…”

Her heart sunk at the reminder. She was to be stuck around her soulmate and what might as well have been her mortal enemy for a while yet, and there was nothing she could do. _Well, except for slinking away like a coward in the dead of the night,_ the voice whispered, _but fortunately you aren’t quite that pathetic as of yet…_

“Why do you frown so?”

Sakura blinked, meeting those grey eyes which always ripped into her, acutely reminded of the fact that her poker face failed epically when it came to her soulmate. “It’s nothing,” she said, smiling as best as she could manage. _Pathetic._ “Nothing you need to worry about, in any case.”

Silence fell then, thick and heavy in the air. It pressed down on her throat, feeling as though it were choking at her so. “I do believe that rather makes me worry more,” he replied, reaching out then, fingers brushing against her cheek, and Sakura couldn’t help the shudder which rolled down her spine. “For that which goes unsaid is oftentimes stowed away, hidden deep down until the cracks begin to form…” Glorfindel trailed off, a sigh escaping him then, grey eyes seeming so unfathomably old and tired then – and Sakura wondered what it had to be like for him. He was an elf, one of the kindreds sentenced to walk the world until its remaking, and he was sentenced to do so without even the promise of a soulmate by his side. A lonely existence. _And it’s all your fault,_ the voice purred.

“Oh,” Sakura mumbled, body almost moving of its own accord then as she longed to grow closer to her soulmate. _To touch, to embrace – to love._ Something she ultimately acknowledged she could never do. Though her body didn’t seem to be listening to her in that instance, and her arms came up then, resting on his shoulders, fingers tangled within those golden locks which part of her still wanted to steal and curl up upon. The locks of hair were certainly long enough. “Oh, darling”— _what right do you have to call him that?—_ “you should really stay away from me,” she murmured, the words no more than a broken whisper while she stayed there, knelt before him, all but seated atop him as she leant into him then. “Stay far, far away from me,” she whispered, tucking a loose strand of that bright, golden hair back behind his pointed ear. _She didn’t understand how he could look as beautiful as he did._ He was far too brilliant – far too beautiful – to be bound to a beast such as her. One who was so very ugly within.

Glorfindel repaid her in kind, tucking her pink locks back behind her more rounded ear. “I do not think I can stay away,” he murmured, voice almost inaudible. “Have I not told you before, dear Lothien? I can be selfish at times… so very selfish, and I like not to let go of those who come to mean much to myself. There are so very few… so very few who care not for my soulmark.”

Sakura blinked, eyes locked with those grey ones. “And if I said I care so very much for your soulmark?” she asked, fingers tangling in those golden locks. “Would you not flee from me then? Cast me aside as you so rightly should?”

“I could never cast you aside. Not for any such lesser reason,” he said then, sounding so very earnest in such a declaration. “It is not in my nature to discard those around me so readily, for there are but a precious few.”

“But for a greater reason?” she wondered, hating and loving herself as she pressed her face into the crook of his neck, fingers intertwining at the back of his neck. _Being a dragon was undoubtedly a greater reason._ Sakura didn’t understand why he was allowing her to get that close as of such. _Indeed,_ the voice murmured then, _as you so rightly said – he indulges you far too much. He’s too kind, and you are far too unworthy, darling._ The last word was spat, a mocking sneer in the face of that little spark of hope which still burnt on in her belly.

Her soulmate shifted beneath the grasp she had upon him, and she felt his eyes upon her curled up body then. “Why, might I ask, are you so very insistent on being discarded?” Glorfindel asked, arms coming around her then, and Sakura wondered if he was merely indulging her in such an embrace because he was clueless as to human customs and propriety, or whether… Sakura shook her head. That was a stupid thought not worth even entertaining for but a second.

Bitterness and sorrow welled up in her then. “Because I always am,” she said, stomach dropping to her toes like an iron weight had been set upon it. _Naruto and Sasuke had discarded her. Melkor had forgotten about her, left her behind._ She had nothing. Nobody. “But perhaps that is because I always ruin others…” Sakura trailed off, closing her eyes, basking in the warmth of Glorfindel’s embrace. “I’ll ruin you too, eventually.”

Stillness followed in the wake of her admission, and Sakura could _feel_ his frown even as she remained selfishly cuddling him so. Silence reigned for a matter of minutes, nothing other than the soft evening light pouring in through the curtains, casting her companion in a golden hue which made him almost seem to glow. “Then this I swear,” he promised, breaking that heavy quietness with that gentle voice of his. “I will never cast you aside so while we both still live.”

Sakura laughed, a dim chuckle lined with the exhaustion of four lives and three deaths. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, _darling_ …”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a Glorfindel POV in the next work in the 'And the Crown it Weighs Heavy' series, for those of you who haven't seen it yet and asked for such a thing. Elves are hard to write so 'tis short, but hopefully sweet.
> 
> Anyhow... you have some more of the same song and dance around each other, because the angst be real, and another OC elf who shares a name with one of Sakura's brothers in 'Wild War Child', and I'm praying it's not too boring - since I did originally plan to go somewhere else with this chapter, but Sakura is far too caught up in her cycle of misery. Though we should be moving on from this less-action-y arc of the story soon enough.


	22. or these scars that show

The promise followed her through her waking hours. _“I will never cast you aside so while we both still live.”_ They carried a weight, those words, and Sakura wasn’t quite sure what to do with them. That little flicker of hope for _love_ still burnt, and those sorts of words were like fuel on the fire. She hated them. _Hating a paragon of light and virtue,_ the voice murmured, _how very fitting for a creature of shadow and death._

Sakura closed her eyes, flopping down on her bed then as she waited for Noeneth to come and check on the state of her chest. She had been there already for what felt like years – though just over a month was probably the closer estimate, and she had spent a decent time of that resting, _as well as irritating her caretakers somewhat with her antics._ A hum of bleak amusement escaped her, and she stared at her healed fingertips. Rather than needle and thread, by that point in time, she was allowed paints and canvas. A change her soulmate had brought, what with her unfortunate habit of poking herself with all things sharp and pointy. _The need to feel as though she were atoning for something, and pain, it seemed, was the best method to gaining that._ Not that anyone around her understood that, nor the gravity of what she had to make up for.

_Not that she would ever likely make up for it all._ But that was fine. It had to be, and Sakura had to be content with it. Glorfindel would only despise her once the truth came to light. She had to be ready to bear the pain his rejection would bring. _You deserve it though,_ the voice murmured, ever a reminder of the truth.

Sighing softly, Sakura sat up then, blinking as a tell-tale soft knock sounded, and Noeneth glided into the room. Pale grey eyes surveyed her, a soft smile breaking out on her face then. “It would seem the day has arrived,” she said, gentle hands and a soft gaze examining her chest. “Never did I think I would be able to issue you with a clean measure of health so soon – if only because you seem to have a tendency to find injury,” Noeneth remarked, a fond amusement playing on her lips. One which crushed Sakura’s heart. _Faker. Liar. Deceiver._ The words to describe that which she was rang around her brain, like knives sinking into flesh, cutting to the bone.

But her ever practiced smile remained fixed in place, even as those light grey eyes narrowed on the scars of the wound to her heart. _In some ways,_ Sakura mused, _it was a wound that had never ever healed in body and spirit._ Sasuke had ripped something out of her that day when his hand speared through her chest, chirping with bright white lightning, and then Melkor had twisted her with that gaping emptiness, giving her fire and scale, and now Sakura didn’t particularly know what to do in order to heal it. If she even deserved as such. She probably didn’t even deserve that much. _Monsters deserved to be in pain._ That was a simple and plain truth.

“There,” Noeneth spoke, ridding the room of the silence which longed to consume her so and drive her to the depths of madness with all the whispers it brought forth from her own mind. “No more bed rest, nor other constraints upon your activities from this day forth. Words I am certain you are glad to hear,” she said, smiling genially still.

“No doubt about that,” Sakura mumbled, frowning then as the scar over her heart seemed to throb out of the blue. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to spare any time for me, now that your healing work is done?” she asked, wondering why she was asking such a question. Really, she should have been grateful at the thought of not having to lie to a kind elleth who, for some strange reason, thought her a friend.

“Must you ask such a foolish question, Lothien?” Noeneth asked, tilting her head then, staring at her with an unreadable expression. “I declared you a friend – should that not answer your question for you?”

Sakura ducked her head, shame welling up within her then.

“Though should Lord Glorfindel not be available for any reason, then I have been informed I have the dubious pleasure of supervising your painting,” she said, a wry grin on her lips then. Sakura smiled, as was no doubt expected, the grin feeling as though it were cracking her face. _Deceiver,_ the voice whispered, ever an insidious little reminder as to what she was and what she couldn’t have as a result of that matter.

“I look forwards to—”

The door all but slammed open then, Noeneth rearing back, a scowl on her lips as she turned to look at whoever had just barged in – only to stop as she saw it wasn’t Leithedir. Rather, a familiar golden-haired elf stood there, cheeks flushed red from the sudden exertion, a smile set upon his lips then. “Lord Glorfindel,” Noeneth greeted. “I did not take you for one to barge into a lady’s room without knocking first…”

Her soulmate smiled at her _friend_ somewhat sheepishly. “I heard the good news – and perhaps I may have yet more to share with you in particular Lothien,” Glorfindel said, grey eyes boring into her own acrid green ones, and Sakura felt a shiver run down her spine. “There have been reports of another dragon somewhat further afield than the previous,” he declared, grey eyes sparkling with something Sakura couldn’t place, and her own eyes narrowed at the prospect of encountering and slaying yet another of her kin. _Another good deed for the evil dragon to do,_ the voice whispered in her ear. “Given you have just so recently healed, I was not certain whether you would be wanting to accompany me on this venture, however—”

“I’ll go.” Her words sliced through the air like steel, biting and cutting him off before he could say more excuses for her to stay in Imladris and fail to do her part in at least trying to redeem herself. Acrid green met star-like grey. “I’ll go,” she repeated after a little too long spent in silence, heart pounding in her chest.

Noeneth frowned. “Are you sure that is wise? You have only just recovered, and should you join Lord Glorfindel in this venture of his, then you may come home injured once more…” Soft, feminine hands picked up her own, the sheer look of concern set upon the elleth’s face making something inside of her want to curl up and die. _Fake,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura felt her stomach twist. _Look at how you deceive them so…_

Sakura smiled then, eyes distant as she found herself unable to meet that worried pale grey set. “This is something I must do, Noeneth,” she said as gently as she was capable of. “Something I wish to do.”

“I will not stop you,” she remarked, the dim view she had on her rushing off into battle once more all but lining her voice as she spoke. “Though I do not think it wise, and nor do I wish to have to tend to you once again for many weeks on end—”

A flinch escaped her before Sakura could conceal it so. _Ah, that’s right,_ the voice whispered, _nobody will love you. Not truly once they know that which you are – and even before it seems!_ “I guess, then, I’ll do my best not to get injured,” she said then. “I wouldn’t want to be more of a burden than I already have.” Shoulders slumped, she made her way towards the doorway, pausing only when Glorfindel’s hand wrapped around her upper arm.

Familiar grey eyes were narrowed, a dark look to them which had the hairs on the back of her neck rising. “I did not mean it in that manner, Lothien,” Noeneth said, a frown set upon her lips. “So please do not look at me in that way,” she continued, directing that particular request at the golden-haired ellon. “Lothien…” Noeneth sounded so very exhausted by that point – in ways Sakura was fairly sure elves weren’t supposed to be. _It was no doubt her fault._ “I do not wish for you to become injured once more.”

Something bubbled inside her at Noeneth’s concern. _Anger? Exhaustion? Dark mirth?_ “I do not wish for that either,” she said, surprising herself with how earnest she had sounded, uttering that lie.

Glorfindel looked at her then, grey eyes narrowed and searching, and Sakura wasn’t sure whether he found that which he so evidently wished to. She tilted her head then, wondering what her soulmate wanted with her – beyond the imminent dragon slaying, that was. “I am afraid there was not enough time for you to be fitted for armour more appropriate for dragon slaying, and I have the strangest of inklings that you would likely have refused such gifts, despite your feats which aided us all…” he stated, and Sakura only blinked in acknowledgement – because that was indeed the truth. _After all, it wasn’t as though they would have made her anything as such if they knew who and what she truly was._

“I already survived two dragons with nothing but—”

“Nothing bar your own wit, and the clothes upon your back,” her soulmate said, cutting her off then, and Sakura blinked, slightly alarmed at the interruption. He didn’t usually tend to interrupt her so, oftentimes preferring to let her finish speaking before he said something in response. But then again, perhaps he was upset or irritated in some fashion, since she had gotten hurt once protecting him. _Doing the right thing,_ or so Sakura mused, _and that was something worth getting hurt for – the kind of existence her soulmate was there and then_. “Though all it would take is one error, one misstep…”

She tilted her head then. “So why bring me along if there’s so much danger?” she asked, staring into those eyes she loved and hated. “You’ve made it quite clear you wish to keep me from harm…”

He mirrored her then, head tilted at a slight angle, staring into her with those ageless eyes. Sakura wished he could see through her – see what she was. _She didn’t. Not really._ “You said it was your wish to face off against dragons after that which took all that you knew from your arms,” he explained, and Sakura rather wished that was all there was to it. Her life would have been so much simpler had that been the case. “I will not hold you back from doing that which you wish to – besides, since you have stayed in this one place for quite a duration of time…” he trailed off, leading her off somewhere she hadn’t ventured to before. Dimly she wondered where there destination was. There was, after all, still tasks and other chores she needed to complete before she could even think about heading out to slay another of her kin. “I feel, perhaps, you might just need a breath of fresh air… and what better way to obtain such a thing then by venturing out to slay a dragon?”

Sakura hummed in agreement, following her soulmate dutifully. _Because escaping the cloying airs of an elven dwelling coupled with trying to redeem herself even just a smidge…_ She could hardly deny that was an excellent plan indeed.

They walked in silence then for a short while, the air between them terribly comfortable – up until they reached their destination, and Glorfindel busied himself with pressing the leather armour tailored for her, or thereabouts, into her hands. “This will hardly grant you as much protection as one should have when facing a dragon, but I find it to be better than nothing,” he informed her, watching her as she pondered over the fancifully crafted leather which she was meant to wear in the coming days, on the way and back from their little dragon hunt. It was far too great of a gift, crafted by far too skilled hands, for it to wind up in the hands of a horrible dragon who knew only how to bring destruction and ruin to all things bright and beautiful.

Sakura blinked, frowning a second later. “I don’t recall ever being measured up, nor requesting elven-made armour,” she said matter-of-factly, squinting at him suspiciously. _How could he even want to afford a dragon even a slim amount of protection?_ Sakura sighed. _Because he doesn’t know, and that’s all thanks to somebody’s deceptions…_ the voice whispered, and Sakura could only stare at the armour made from stiff leather and cord.

“Well, both myself and Noeneth managed to work out the sizings roughly,” he said, ears flushing a brilliant red, and Sakura could only smile at such a sight. _Her soulmate was certainly far too good and wonderful for her._ “Given your past with dragons”—Sakura flinched—“and your wish for the future in regards to those fell beasts… coupled with the fact both Noeneth and I were well aware you would likely refuse any sort of gift we might try and present you with…” Glorfindel shrugged, appearing somewhat sheepish. “We did as best we could, if only to try and aid in the endeavour of preventing any more harm coming upon you – or, perhaps, lessen it, if harm could not be avoided in its entirety.”

She blinked dumbly, staring at the armour crafted _for her._ A blatant reminder of the fact nobody knew what a horrible creature she was. The fact that she had her own armour in the form of hard, black, ugly scales, and weapons in the form of fangs and claws.

“You have protected me once, and have promised to do so in the future,” Glorfindel continued, heedless as to the odd numbness consuming her so. “I reciprocated that promise, as is right, and seeing you outfitted in sturdier armour is but a step towards ensuring your safety in the coming battles.”

Her mouth dropped open, refusals ready on her lips, but the look in his eyes stopped her fast. She knew those sorts of eyes, having seen them many times before on many different people. The look of someone unwilling to compromise, and Sakura was far too weak against her soulmate to put up much of a winning fight. Her lips clicked shut, and Glorfindel beamed, having evidently sensed her defeat and subsequent acquiescence to receiving his gift. _Despite the fact that she didn’t deserve it in the slightest._ Sakura could only wonder if he would regret giving her such a thing – more so if it got in his way when he turned his blade against her. Her heart throbbed at the thought, and silently, Sakura cursed her accursed hope which some small part of her still clung to, like a rock in the middle of a stormy ocean trying to drown her.

_But what would be left of her if she threw that hope away?_ Sakura could only wonder. _Nothing but the promise of never being loved as she so wanted, but didn’t deserve in the slightest._ Bone deep terror clutched at her heart then, squeezing it like a vice, and tears bit at the corners of her eyes, even as she clutched her gift to her chest. The very thing which had set that hope ablaze once more. _Sakura hated it._

“Though,” Glorfindel said, tucking pink hair back behind her ear with a tender smile. Her stomach twinged at the sight. “I feel as though I should caution you now,” he continued, and Sakura could only frown at him, confused. “I do hope my suspicions are incorrect, as does your dear friend Noeneth, but should you deliberately seek out injury at any point on this dragon slaying venture – then when we return, you shall not be allowed to venture out once more.”

Her frown deepened, part of her bitterly cursing his words – his promise and demand of her. The other part relished in how very wonderful her soulmate was. _Even though he was caring about the complete wrong thing._

“Please,” he murmured, voice so terribly soft that it had her old friend _shame_ coursing through her very veins themselves as she looked determinedly away. It was so very hard to lie to him – to lie about her intentions and wishes – in fact, Sakura thought it rather impossible for her to do such a thing.

_You can’t lie to him, huh?_ the voice purred, snide and mocking as per usual, and Sakura could only flinch. _So what are you doing right now, darling dragon?_ And that was the fact of the matter, wasn’t it? She was an evil dragon, and she wanted to find redemption which she would never deserve to obtain. It _had_ to be painful, what with all the hurt she had caused him and his people. Her hands curled into fists as best as they could, considering the stiff leather within her grasp.

“I will protect _you_ ,” she declared then, planting her feet and straightening the spine as she declared one of the few ironclad convictions she had within that ugly scaled body of hers. It was something she could never go back on, because she had come to know her dear soulmate, and he was the opposite of her. _And that was enough of a reason to prioritise his life over her own._ Truly, anyone’s life came before hers, if she really thought on it long and hard. “If I become injured in protecting you, then so be it. I will not back down. Not in this matter.”

His lips tightened, face losing that brilliant smile as he frowned then, golden brows drawn together. “I promised to protect you as well,” he remarked. “I will neither back down on that matter, if only because you have most certainly done your fair share of protecting.” Grey eyes hardened into chips of steel, a shiver running down her spine, accompanied by the longing want to keep him for herself. _A dragon’s instincts when finding a rare treasure._ The treasure in front of her was rare and brilliant indeed. But most unmistakably not hers to have or keep. “You are not to follow me into battle again should you be bedridden once more after this venture.”

Sakura gritted her teeth, tucking her newly acquired armour under one arm, lifting a hand, finger extended to prod her stubborn soulmate right in the chest. _Where his heart lay._ Sakura glared then. _For his hadn’t been ripped out before._ She swore to never let such a thing happen to him. _Ah, ah,_ the voice whispered, _but isn’t that what you already do to him, merely by being bound to him?_ “I,” she said, pushing her thoughts aside for once, “am going to protect _you_ ,” she stated once more, stabbing his chest pointedly with her finger as she advanced on him. “And let me tell you this – if you wish to stop me from following you into battle, then you would need to tie me down and chain me up within the deepest cells you have.” Fire burnt in her eyes, and Sakura prayed they hadn’t changed to reveal that which she was. _Coward,_ the voice whispered. “I’m going to protect you, and there is nothing you can do to stop me!”

Grey eyes blinked, regarding her so very tenderly and carefully, yet there was a harder edge to them. More so than any she had seen before. “You feel it too, do you not?” he asked then, and Sakura took a step back as Glorfindel stared down at her then. His gaze was so very penetrating, and Sakura worried in that moment as to whether he’d seen through her disguise. _Through her deception of him and the other elves. If he’d seen her for the dragon she was and intended to put her out of her miserable, horrid existence._ “The connection between us,” he stated, and Sakura could only stumble back as he advanced on her then. “This is the only explanation…”

Sakura swallowed, her gulp audible, feeling as though she was about to be sick as she adjusted her grip on her gifted armour.

“Above that,” he continued, hand coming up to grasp at her chin, thumb moving absentmindedly to stroke at the soft skin of her cheek. “You know why – what this connection is…”

Her hands tightened their grasp on her armour to keep them from shaking. _He knew. Not that they were soulmates, but he knew that was a truth she was keeping from him._ Her stomach twisted. _Because next, no matter how long it took, would come the realisation of what exactly she was. What manner of creature she was._ She ripped her face from his grasp. “No,” she hissed, voice ever so shaky as she spoke. “I do _not._ ”

His hand dropped back to his side, grey eyes regarding her levelly, the disappointment hidden within their depths making her stomach curl. “You lie,” he said softly, without accusation, and shame roiled through her.

Her feet were moving before she even realised it, marching her away to her room to get ready. _Liar, liar,_ the voice sung joyfully, _I wonder, are your scales yet on fire?_


	23. 'cause my fight within

Sakura chewed on her lip, a nervous habit formed over the many, long years of her existence. Anxiety didn’t let her rest as she should, fear and worry pooling in her gut, writhing about like snakes. She was going out to slay a dragon once more, and that fact in itself brought forth a greater likelihood of inadvertently revealing herself as one. Revealing herself to her soulmate who was on the cusp of figuring it all out. _Exposing her as the monster she was._ Her heart clenched at the thought, fear making that icy block within her chest thud dangerously fast. She didn’t want to lose that which she had then. _Selfish,_ the voice whispered then, and Sakura stared out at the beautiful light of the moon, shame welling up through her.

She ought to have been preparing for the inevitable – for the hatred and atonement by death which would follow the reveal of that which she was. _If she could even atone by death that was, given the severity of her crimes…_ Sighing, she hurried back inside, not wanting to linger out on the balcony in full view of others, unsightly as she was. _How could no one know?_

_Because you’re a terrible creature of deception,_ the voice supplied, and Sakura only nodded in agreement, throwing herself on the bed, closing her eyes as if she could forget all that had happened, and all that those actions were leading to. She was toeing a line which would all too soon be crossed, and her world would crumble. _Burnt to ash._ That was nothing bar an apt comparison.

But nothing more would be burnt to ash through her flames. That she swore. She was _done_ wearing that other, scaled form of hers. _But you can never, ever stop being a dragon – stop being what Melkor made you,_ the voice said. _That’s what you are now, and it’s all you’ll ever be in your soulmate’s eyes._

A wretched creature of the Enemy. _Monster. Destroyer._

_She who ruins all,_ the voice said then. _A pretty title, don’t you think?_ Sakura snorted softly, the sound hopeless and miserable. It wasn’t as though she could deny it. She probably did deserve that title – she was a dragon. The only skin changer with such a wicked form. The largest winged dragon ever to grace the skies of Arda. Not that the skies were all that grateful for the existence of dragons. They were more the domain of the Great Eagles who had fought on the sides of everything good and pure in that world.

Sakura flopped down on her bed, sliding under the covers then, pulling the blankets over her head as though they would protect her from any prying, accusing eyes. Part of her wished the night would linger forever, hiding her, like how the darkness hid all the ugly creatures of the world, as well as anything which wanted to be hidden away. But morning came – as it always did, and always would until the world’s remaking.

Sunlight dawned on the horizon, warm and bright, but Sakura felt nothing but cold as she dressed herself, sliding into armour and fastening it up, readying herself to face the day. She could only stare at her reflection in the mirror, feeling like a _fake,_ an _imposter,_ as she stood there, decked in elven-made armour. It had been something crafted _for_ her. She ran her fingers over the smooth, hard leather, tracing the cursive and leafy designs set upon it. Suitable for elven made armour, but not suitable for a dragon who had done nothing bar burn foliage and everything green to the ground. But still it made that icy thing inside her chest move somewhat. _She couldn’t remember the last time anyone had ever given her anything ever like a gift._ It made that traitorous heart of hers feel warm and mushy.

_Only because he doesn’t know,_ the voice whispered, ever a reminder of the true state of things in that world, and Sakura tried her damnedest to make her heart stop feeling _anything._ But that was rather like trying to change the tide; impossible. Well, impossible for her to do on her lonesome. _And you’ll always be on your lonesome,_ the voice murmured, reminding her of the fact that there was nothing but loneliness waiting for her in the future. _Once all the secrets came out._

And the thought of that loneliness burned worse than a thousand suns.

No one could love a dragon. Not there, not that place, not after everything, all the horrors, she had committed. Her hands gripped either side of the mirror. “I won’t be loved,” she murmured, hating the traitorous tears which bit at the corners of her eyes. “And I am _fine_ with that – it’s the least I deserve.” She ignored the way her voice shook, and the way those tears burned. _She had to._

A knock on the door startled her then, and Sakura blinked as Noeneth entered. “It is time,” she said, smiling softly then, and Sakura found herself frozen as she was pulled into a warm embrace. “Be safe, Lothien.”

Sakura smiled, a plastic, brittle thing. “I will,” she lied.

* * *

“I feel as though I would be better off walking,” she grumbled, desperately trying to stop the flush which wanted to creep up to her cheeks as the horse plodded onwards at a gentle, constant pace. The warm presence behind her, armour or no, made it rather hard to think straight. _Or at all._ “Surely I am overburdening—”

“You weigh, perhaps, as much as those saddlebags we gave to another to carry, Lothien,” Glorfindel said, and she could only huff and fold her arms, ears burning as she remembered the fateful events which had led to her winding up riding _with_ her soulmate rather than alongside him as she was meant to be.

Dragons, it seemed, were not meant to ride horses. Indeed, the horse she had meant to be riding, Rocharan, had taken one look at her and bolted. _Even horses could tell that which she was._ She had no idea why the elves couldn’t. When the next horse they had attempted to have her ride reared up and panicked, and then the following ones, it had been decided for her to be stuck on the calmest possible mount _with_ another rider, given elves seemed to be exceptional at calming their horses down, should the need arise.

It was just her luck that, Daeroch, Glorfindel’s current horse companion of choice happened to be the calmest and most agreeable to her presence. Sakura only wondered if the horse could somehow tell they were soulmates, the pair of them. _And if that was the reason he hadn’t bucked her off and run for the hills as the other horses had all attempted to do._

_Hardly,_ the voice murmured, loud and obtrusive as ever inside her petal pink locks. _It’s probably just a daft one._

Sakura felt her shoulders slump, because that was likely true. Truer than thinking the horse could somehow tell they were soulmates when the elf she was bound to couldn’t. _Deceiver,_ the voice hissed, ever reminding her of what she was doing by simply lounging there within an elven realm. Though she was beyond its borders by then, thanks to Glorfindel’s mount. Sakura didn’t know whether or not to be grateful. She stared at the black horse, admiring the inky blackness of its mane. _A similar colouring to your scales, yes?_ the voice whispered. _Though your scales are far uglier than that mane._ Sakura nodded in agreement, glancing at the reins held before her, cheeks feeling as though they ought to be on fire at the barest of contact between them because of that. Part of her wanted nothing more than to slump back into her soulmate’s chest and bask in that warmth, but the reminder of the fact they were going to slay one of her kin prevented her. _Or, at the very least, was an excellent deterrent for trying to earn some affection from the being meant to love her._ Her heart clenched, and Sakura pushed that thought away as swiftly as she could, but not swiftly enough. _He won’t love you,_ the voice reminded, and Sakura could only sigh softly, her smile turning pained, because wasn’t that the truth?

“I am not _that_ light,” Sakura grumbled. _Because in truth she could probably sit atop a moderately-sized mountain and crush it beneath her immense mass if she really wanted to._ She had broken the Thangorodrim with her fall, partially due to the height and sheer momentum she had gained by falling, but mostly due to her immense size. Those three peaks had been the largest to ever grace Arda. Sunken and destroyed now though, thanks to her – ever the being who brought ruin and destruction to all.

“Lothien, dearest,” her soulmate said then, mirth lining his voice tinged with… _was it concern?_ Sakura almost frowned. _Who would be concerned about you?_ the voice asked then. _Dragon, remember?_ “I have both lifted and carried you enough to be aware of the very fact you are rather light… but perhaps that is because you are smaller… with less muscle,” he murmured, voice growing fainter as he mumbled about the many possible factors of her lacking weight. “Then again, I have yet to see you finish one of the portions brought to you for your meals…”

Sakura stiffened at that, feeling those grey eyes boring into her pink locks. _It wasn’t as though he could really stare at anything other than her head though, what with their proximity._ The thought made her traitorous heart thud. _Stupid._

_Indeed,_ the voice whispered, ever present as it usually was those days, as the time of her reveal grew closer and closer. _Truly, it was nothing but a matter of time._ Secrets always spilled eventually – the greater they were, the sooner the reveal oftentimes happened. And her being a dragon was undoubtedly a great secret indeed. Never had a truth weighed so heavily upon her before.

“Perhaps that is something which ought to be brought up with Lord Elrond and Noeneth upon our return?” Glorfindel murmured. “Or should we return—”

“I am _fine,_ ” Sakura grumbled petulantly, stomach twisting at the thoughts of possible dietary plans and the like. She felt sick at the thought, more so at being worried over even more for something like eating habits. Dragons didn’t need to eat as much as often as other races did. “I eat as much as necessary.”

“But you are rather on the small side, especially for someone descended of numenorean blood,” he said, and Sakura could only slump, yet again.

“I am not descended of that blood,” she said then. “Lothien is merely a translation of a name I once held.”

She could _feel_ the blink and hear the pause as he took in that snippet of information. _I wonder,_ the voice spoke, _how easy are you trying to make this for them?_ “Then… what might be your original name?” he asked, and Sakura glanced back at him then, just about able to meet those grey eyes which burned with curiosity.

A huff escaped her. “Lothien… I would rather that be the only name you know me by,” she declared, heart clenching, fingers trembling, at the thought of him finding out the name she was most commonly known by in those lands – the name set in inky black script upon his broad back. _Ancalagon._

Neither did she want to be known by the name Haruno Sakura. _That girl was dead._ Sakura supposed she had died the minute Sasuke had shoved his lighting-bladed hand right through her chest. _So why do you still call yourself as such?_ the voice asked. _Why do you call yourself a daughter of blossoms if she’s dead?_

Sakura chewed on her lip, loathing and confusion warring in her gut. _Things had certainly been simpler when she had just been a dragon wanting to burn it all to the ground in order to make her ‘father’ love her._ But then again, that was what had resulted in the mess which was everything she was currently stuck in.

_Is it wrong,_ she wondered then, _for me to be loved?_ Nothing had ever worked out for her as she wanted when it came to the four letter word. Love. She just wanted some for herself, and Sakura wanted to laugh at the thought of where it had gotten her.

_Of course,_ the voice chimed in, a smile hidden within its gleeful tone. _You are a monster, after all. Surely you didn’t forget such a fact, darling dragon?_

He tilted his head then, golden locks shifting with the movement, and with the sun behind him, he certainly looked like the figure of light and virtue he so embodied. “You speak as though you have many,” he said, those grey eyes of his holding no accusation. _They never did._ That fact would eventually change. _It was inevitable, once the truth came to light._

_Deceiver,_ the voice reminded once more, and her stomach twisted. Sakura snorted at the memory of her throwing up upon his clean boots. _There would never be a repeat of that embarrassing moment, should she get her way._ Though she probably didn’t ever deserve to get her way. Monsters didn’t deserve such a thing.

“Perhaps,” she mumbled, knowing it not a proper answer – not one Glorfindel sought, with that indefinable curiosity he possessed. “Perhaps not.”

Glorfindel grinned. “Ah, my friend, ever the cryptic one, you are,” he said, and Sakura relished in the fact he didn’t look offended in the slightest. _She was entitled to her secrets, wasn’t she?_ Sakura could only wonder and ponder on that thought.

_No, you’re not,_ the voice spoke then, ever welcome and yet unwelcome at the same time. _Your secrets only hurt those around you._

Sakura tilted her head at that. _Is it not better to spare them the pain then?_ she wondered. The voice was mercifully silent for once, and Sakura could only bite her lip and think on that little idea. _Or did it simply make her a liar and a horrid deceiver?_ She thought the latter sounded more like the right sort of answer. It was certainly how her soulmate would see everything once all was said and done. _What even was the point in trying to hide something which would eventually come to light as all things did?_

“Cryptic, huh?” she echoed, turning back around to look towards wherever their destination was, many miles off yet. “Is that what I am?” she wondered, resisting the overwhelming urge to slump back against her soulmate’s chest. She was so tired – tired of the lies, tired of hiding anything and everything, tired of living with all that she was lingering over her head like a sword waiting to fall.

“Indeed,” Glorfindel said, and Sakura gave into the urge to slump against him then. _Greedy, greedy dragon,_ the voice sung. _Always wanting what you can’t have…_ “You might just be one of the most curious beings I have come across,” he murmured, sounding impossibly fond. The sound cut at her heart like knives.

_Can you imagine the face he’ll make when he finds out the truth?_

Sickness curled in her stomach at that very thought, crippling fear racing through her, even as she sat there, basking in the warmth and light her soulmate radiated like a furnace. She wished she could’ve been happy there. She wished she wasn’t that which she was. “I’m hardly curious,” she said, nearly flinching at the memory of the flames and sorcery which had made her what she was. Twisted her into what she then was. _Isn’t that so curious about you, oh dragon?_ the voice asked, mocking and derisive. “In fact, I’m probably rather boring.”

_Lies,_ the voice purred.

His laughter rang out in the air behind her, sweet and merry. _All things he deserved to be. All things he should have had, including his soulmate._ Sakura didn’t quite know how to tell him he was riding with a dragon then – he was laughing with the kin of the being he was setting out the slay. Nor did she want to tell him he was interacting with his accursed soulmate herself. “That is grossly untrue, though perhaps you cannot see it yourself.” The grin on his lips was wide, free from the knowledge of that which she undoubtedly was. “You carry many a secrets within that small body of yours…”

“And I should hope they’ll remain that way,” Sakura said then, fear and terror making her heart race at the thought of any of them being revealed.

“Indeed,” he murmured then, voice so much softer, yet carrying so much more weight. “We are all entitled to our secrets, are we not?” He smiled then, and Sakura was lost at how wonderfully he smiled. _When had been the last time she had smiled like that – so carefree and actually happy for once?_ Her hands curled into fists then, a frown pulling at her lips as she ensured her head was turned to face the way they were headed properly.

_You’ll ruin him,_ the voice whispered.

Sakura felt the tears bite at her eyes, just like the words bit at that cold glacial lump in her chest. _How pathetic was it, that she wanted to be loved after all that which she had done?_ “I know,” she whispered back, undeniably not answering Glorfindel’s question. _Not that it was really meant to be answered as such,_ or so she thought.

“Do tell me if I overstep my bounds, yes?” The words came from behind her, and Sakura could only blink in mild surprise at the words. Rather, she doubted her soulmate could ever truly overstep any bounds. He was perfect – the epitome of all that was light, just, and good in that world – and she was his antithesis.

_Well,_ the voice whispered, gleeful and gloating, _they do say opposites attract! But too bad for you… how wrong this statement is in your case!_


	24. comes from below

She knew the instant they had arrived near the approximated location of the dragon was said to be. They had learnt of folk going missing from nearby, and if there was one commonality between the victims of such – it was that they had likely had large amounts of gold in their possessions, whether it be treasures or riches. It was how whispers of the dragon’s presence there had reached the ears of Imladris, what with her soulmate being determined to hunt dragons down. Sakura mused on that being why the relationship between men and elves seemed to be flourishing so in those times in which she had landed in.

Had it not been for Glorfindel and his need to hunt down and slay his soulmate’s kin, as he presumed his soulmark to mean for him to do, Sakura doubted that relationship wouldn’t have been as good as it was right then and there. Elves were the type to stick to their realms and not involve themselves in the businesses of their younger brethren. That was what Glorfindel might as well have considered her as, what with her _excellent_ disguise which always plagued her so. _Deceiver,_ the word always rang around her brain, the sound echoing in her ear like a bugle. She had found herself wondering far too often what she looked like in the eyes of the elves. _She wondered when the doubts as to her mortality would crop up._ Sakura doubted the impression of her being human could last all that long. She had lived far longer than a human could, what with her being a dragon – one of the original ones whose strength hadn’t dwindled with time. She had lived through four lives by then, and three deaths which had brought her to that fourth life. _Part of her couldn’t help but wish it would be her last, though she didn’t deserve for such a blissful wish to be fulfilled._

A shiver passed over her skin, and she barely refrained from flinching as she felt those grey eyes come to rest on her again. “Are you cold?” he asked, and Sakura could only shake her head somewhat viciously. She was about to hunt another of her kin and try to make up for some of her terrible, horrid sins against her soulmate’s people – _as if she would be brought down by something as puny as coldness._ She was too great for such a thing. Though she would rather have been good than great. _The arrogance of a dragon,_ the voice whispered, _how well it suits you…_

“I’m fine,” she grumbled, wishing she could sink into the ground and vanish at all the attention her soulmate’s fretting earned her. Though she doubted the attention would be as benevolent if they were aware she was actually kin of the beast they hunted. “But it’s close,” she mumbled, hairs rising up on end. It was nothing like the previous hunt. _No, there was something different._ Though, then again, each dragon was different from the last. They each gave off a different impression, whether it be arrogant yet intelligent, or thirsting for revenge. She didn’t particularly like the feeling she could sense then.

“That is why we left the horses a short while back,” Glorfindel said, sounding as cheerful as ever. Sakura wondered why she couldn’t ever manage to sound half as cheery. _But then again living as a vengeful, hatred-ridden dragon who thrived off burning all things cheerful had probably contributed something to her lacking cheer._ The voice laughed at that, a cold, mocking sound, which froze her very bones themselves. “This dragon seems to linger close to the road, so I do doubt this time we will have to trek through miles of forest – a fact you will likely be most gracious for.”

A wry smile curled at her lips. “I suppose every cloud has a silver lining,” she murmured, following after him so very carefully. She felt _twitchy,_ and a twitchy dragon meant for nothing good. She was on edge, her attention flickering back between her soulmate and the forest surrounding them like pinballs. Though she couldn’t work out exactly _why._ She should’ve been able to sense a dragon that close – like called to like.

She bit her lip, mulling over _what_ it could be from her vast bank of dragon knowledge. Truly, she couldn’t really fathom why the dragon had chosen there to linger. It wasn’t as though it were a well-travelled road for merchants and peddlers who might have vast amounts of gold and treasures for them to take and hoard. Then again, well-travelled roads would have been more closely monitored, and a greater amount of casualties and lost business, bringing forth a greater likelihood of being hunted and killed. _Not that doing business on a less known stretch of road had saved this particular dragon from such a fate._

“That is a quaint way to put it,” Glorfindel said, scanning the forest all the while. “Though there are no guarantees that we shall not have to trek through any woodlands.”

“What a—”

A twig snapped, and her head shot around, eyes narrowing in on the brush. The green shrubbery which seemed to glimmer with many colours even in the dull lighting right there and then. _She really was a twitchy dragon at that moment in time,_ or so she mused as her focus fell on an oddly-shaped log. Sunlight broke through the clouds above, sparkling off that jewelled log. _And that was no oddly shaped log,_ Sakura realised, the motion in the corner of her eye startling her even before the snarl rolled out through the air, low, beastly, and rather menacing. _To anyone bar her, of course_.

“Dragon,” the word was snarled out from behind her lips, and Sakura felt her head whip around, chakra pulsing to her feet, ready for them to launch her forwards to intercept the latest threat before it could reach her soulmate. It was no tail lashing out as had happened once before. Rather, it’s teeth and far too sharp claws were the main offence that time, and— _and she was too late._

Glorfindel was swift on his feet, narrowly avoiding the gaping maw which bit through mud and mulch in place of armour, skin, and bone. Her soulmate was swift, _yes, that was an undisputed fact,_ but none aside from, perhaps, her herself could have dodged the clawed hand which slammed her soulmate down, armour and all, but a moment later. _Her soulmate was now stuck beneath the razor sharp claws of a dragon, and it was all her fault for not being quick enough._ She should’ve been able to prevent him from even getting into such a situation. She had sworn to protect him. _But she hadn’t._

Her eyes widened, the world seeming so distant and dark then, even as the shouts rang out behind her from their travelling companions. _They hadn’t been cautious enough – hadn’t been in the formation they were meant to, thinking the dragon was a little ways away._ They had been speaking far too casually, walking in a far too relaxed manner, given the dragon slaying they had been wanting to do. _It was her fault. It always was. More so when anything terrible happened to her beloved soulmate whom she wasn’t allowed to love. She wasn’t meant to._ If she hadn’t been holding conversation with him… Her thoughts blurred, white noise pulsing through her head as she searched for clarity in the madness of the scene before her.

It was then she saw it; rolling down the one of the dragon’s fangs.

A drop of blood.

There wasn’t much. Only enough to prove her soulmate hadn’t been swift enough. Only enough to prove that some lowlife of a dragon had injured what was _hers._ Her hands clenched and unclenched, twitching with barely supressed rage and the urge to shuck that human skin she wore so very well. _But if she shifted right then and there,_ she knew, _she would crush the rest of the elves underfoot without meaning to. She would crush her soulmate too, and that wasn’t an acceptable solution. Glorfindel had to live, and so he would._ She wouldn’t back down on such a promise, the vow she had sworn unto herself.

Everything was moving so very slowly as her mind raced about, a single thought ringing around her brain as she spied silky golden locks just about visible where they were, sprawled across the ground. “You shitty little brat,” she muttered quietly then, her voice devoid of any and all emotion, a rage like none other pulsing through her veins beneath her skin. _Some upstart of a dragon had lain its grubby hands upon what was hers. Her hoard. Her gold. Her soulmate._ One single word echoed through her mind, the voice whispering in unison with her then. _Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine!_ Chakra pulsed out, invisible to the naked eye, lost to the wilds, the raw nature or whatever substituted for nature chakra there, yet gathering thickly enough that it was tangible to feel. A cloying, weighing sensation which pressed down on others, she knew from experiencing others chakra do that which she was right then and there. _She could do more than merely use it for her flames if she truly wanted it so._ It wasn’t sucked away quick enough by whatever forces conspired to ensure she could do nothing more outside her body than manipulate it into fire.

_I’ll kill you,_ was all she thought, intent leaking out into her chakra. _I’ll kill you – how dare you – I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you. How dare you touch what’s mine! I’ll kill you!_ Her fingernails itched, and Sakura didn’t need to look in order to know they were turning black and pointed. _A dragon’s claws._ Hers were obsidian compared to the pale white of the dragon before her. The same ones which held Glorfindel down, readying to rip and tear with but a clenching of muscles.

Sakura wouldn’t allow it.

Eyes of an amber gold turned then, locking on her even as she curled her hands into fists, hiding her taloned fingertips. Her own eyes itched, the same itching as that of her fingernails, and Sakura was so grateful none of the elves charging _oh so slowly_ at the dragon were looking into them. _Or even in her direction in general, otherwise the game she so played would have come to a likely bloodied, sticky end_. They were so transfixed and angry at the snake in plain sight that they didn’t see the snake in the grass beside them.

There was madness – an undeniably feral touch – in those amber gold eyes. An explanation for its recklessness and rashness. An explanation for why it had been noticed so very quickly rather than hiding within the depths of a forest and subverting the trees and nature to its whims. It had none of the intelligence the first dragon in her life there had, nor was its mind filled with vengeance and reckless hate for its partner’s untimely death. Rather, it was a creature so very warped by the flame and sorcery it had been made of – the flames and sorcery it was descended of, that it had lost reason and higher intelligence, consumed by the madness and pain of fire rather than the life and warmth it similarly gave, becoming nothing more than the wild beasts dragons so scorned as being beneath them. Those sorts of dragons weren’t particularly common. _Failures, in their creator’s eyes, though useful what with their destructive tendencies._ They were driven by primal instincts rather than intellect, always a predator too strong to be cowed by primal fear, terror, and the instinct to flee.

But then again, none of those primal dragons before had faced off against her. They had been on the same side way back when, and Sakura had been too obsessed with earning _love_ and burning all things pretty which stirred up some reckless festering hatred for _Sasuke_.

A smile curved at her lips, baring itching teeth which were sharpening into points. Sakura didn’t need a mirror to see what that dragon saw in that moment. She knew that which she was radiating from her very expression to the killing intent she was outputting in waves which had slowed and stopped most of the elves in their tracks as the potency grew and grew.

_Death._

The helpless feeling when faced with a being so much more powerful – one which could kill with but a flick of its oversized finger.

She was a harbinger of death, bringer of flames and doom to all those who looked upon her terrible scaled form. Not that she was in said scaled form, horrible as it was, just then. _And all creatures, even dragons, feared death or the pain which came before it._

Leaves shook under heavy wind, leathery wings creaking, a shriek of a snarl escaping that mouth of yellowing fangs, and Sakura only smiled wider as the dragon before her fled, dark green scales shining in the light. Elves shivered before her, their hair just as windswept as her pink locks, despite the braids, and Sakura abruptly reigned both her chakra and thus her killing intent back in. _She hardly wanted to raise more suspicions._ Fear bubbled in her belly, the itchiness in both her eyes, teeth, and fingernails fading as she forced them to look more human than dragonish as she ran forwards with a cry. “Glorfindel!” Earth pounded under her heavy footsteps as she sprinted past the still recovering elves and skidded to her knees in a stop beside her precious soulmate. The one part of herself had claimed as their own, despite Sakura knowing she could never have him. _The thought hurt worse than a thousand beestings._

_Greedy, greedy dragon,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura met those grey eyes which blinked up at her. Hands moved of their own accord, brushing some of those golden locks back behind those pointed ears of his. Relief seeped through her, quashing the sea of rage sweltering in her belly, and Sakura smiled far more softly than she had done so before, even as she head the sound of footsteps behind her, racing closer as she had just done.

She opened her mouth then, but rather than the concerned, worried question she should have asked, but a single word escaped her lips, “ _Mine._ ”

* * *

“’tis just a tad ironic, do you not think?” he asked, staring up at her, still seeming so very cheerful, despite his bruised – _and possibly broken_ – ribs as he lay propped up on blankets and well-positioned tree roots. Sakura wanted to burn the forest to the ground, find that dragon, and rip it to shreds. Her hands shook with the need, at least until her soulmate grasped one of them, and her other busied itself in tangling her fingers in those glorious golden locks. “For me to have ended up with but a similar injury to your own upon your first dragon slaying venture.”

“You nearly died,” she whispered, that possessive part of her along with that ever burning hopeful side of her screaming bloody murder at the thought of her soulmate’s brightness being snuffed out like the flame of a candle.

Grey eyes bore into her own, a hand reaching up for her face then. “Do not weep, Lothien,” he said, _as though he hadn’t been inches away from being crushed or ripped to pieces by a dragon._ “I still live, do I not?”

He wouldn’t have been able to say those words, had she not terrified both the elves and the dragon with her sheer intent to kill. _And protect that which she had selfishly claimed for her own._ A growl rumbled in her throat, a wounded, angry snarl wanting to escape her at the thought of what would have happened had she not been there. _But then again, Glorfindel might not have been distracted by her presence and might have actually noticed the nasty dragon before it had attacked him so._ His touch stirred her from those hate-inducing thoughts, and Sakura could only press her cheek into his palm.

“What even was that?” Elladan asked from behind her, dark brown hair stirring gently in the winds as he looked over to where the pair of them were, a frown marring his brow as he stared at their positions, each too close to the other for what mere friendship dictated. Sakura didn’t care what friendship and propriety dictated just then. _Her soulmate had a brush with death, and her heart mourned for the vow of protection from such which she had once given to him._ “I could scarcely move beneath such a weight…”

Glorfindel tilted his head, eyes drawn away from her, even as her fingers tangled in his hair possessively. “I can… only perhaps compare such a sensation to one other before… when I faced the Witch-King,” he murmured, heedless of the sharp look that earned from the younger elf. “A feeling of dread and terror, complete with the absolute belief that you are about to perish,” Glorfindel said, and Sakura could only stare at her hand in his hair, unwilling to even chance the possibility of meeting her soulmate’s gaze right then and there. _Because she had put out a sensation so similar to that of a well-known evil in that time and place._

_Very telling of your nature then,_ the voice whispered.

“I could not move,” Elladan said, correcting his earlier statement, expression downcast. Guilt stirred in her stomach, curling around like a pit viper.

Glorfindel hummed then. “There is nothing wrong with that,” he said, smiling softly then. _She wished he only smiled like that for her – her heart aching with jealousy._

_Greedy, greedy dragon,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura flinched at that.

“Fear is not something so easily conquered,” Glorfindel said, and Sakura could only busy herself with playing with his hair. “Courage is no easy feat, more so in the face of impending death. Or what feels as such,” he added, placating one of the grandsons of the ellon who had slain her once before.

_What a shame he’s not still around to do the same once more,_ the voice said, and Sakura only listened as Elladan hummed in acknowledgement. “Your mortal certainly managed that much,” he said, and Sakura could feel the eyes boring into her back.

Glorfindel smiled yet again, that grey-eyed gaze softening as it locked with her acrid green-eyed one. “So you did,” he murmured, fingers brushing at the tears which fell from her eyes. _Because he was so very wrong._ She had merely been able to move because she had been the very source of that terrible killing intent.

“Why do you still weep, Lothien?” he asked, seeming so very confused at her continued tears. _Because he doesn’t know,_ the voice sing-songed, gleeful and hate-ridden. _Because you’re deceiving him so… Because you hate that which you are, and that which you are going to do before the moon comes out to play._ “I will recover from this…” He moved then, a huff escaping him at the effort it took to find his way to a seated position. “There is no need for tears.”

“I told you before, didn’t I?” she whispered, her voice broken. “All it takes is one mistake. One slipup…” Her shoulders sunk, hand reaching out, fingers brushing against his jawline, tracing it so. “I almost lost you…”

A frown marred his brow. “Lothien,” he murmured, reaching for her then, but Sakura beat him to the punch.

Her forehead met his, eyes closing as she relished in the warmth of his brow. _The warmth of his everything – his very presence._ “You were right, you know,” she mumbled, cracking her eyes open to stare into those grey ones she so loved, noses touching as her fingers carded in those golden locks yet again. “I lied,” she said, smiling hopelessly. _My, you certainly are trying to make this easy, aren’t you?_ the voice purred. Sakura ignored it for once, caught up in the bliss of her soulmate’s embrace. _Though it would no doubt hit sooner or later._ “I feel it too… this accursed connection of ours,” she whispered, stomach dropping to her toes like a rock.

“Accursed?” her soulmate echoed.

Sakura huffed, a hopeless, light chuckle escaping her. “I told you before,” she said. “I ruin everything I touch, Glorfindel. People are no exception,” she murmured, heart weighing heavy in her chest. “Truly, I’m your antithesis, darling.”

Sighing softly, she pulled back away from him then, uncaring at the stares she could feel directed her way. Her soulmate’s stare bore into her, confused and worried as it was, and Sakura could only huff, cutting him off before he could get a single word of question _or accusation_ out. _You’re really making it so obvious,_ the voice murmured. _Almost like you want him to turn on you!_

“I shall be off,” she said then, sparing a glance at the leather armour she had since removed. It had been far easier to clean her soulmate’s blood from that. _The white shirt she wore right then though…_ “There is a river not far away,” she added, sharp ears picking up the sound of water rushing a little ways away. “It will only prove more troublesome to clean off the blood the longer I wait to do so,” she declared.

“Lothien.” Glorfindel’s sharp voice cut through the air. “There is a _dragon_ still out there, in case you have forgotten.”

A smile pulled at her lips, fond yet biting. “I will be fine,” she said. “It’s only a short while away… and I merely wish to be alone for a little while—”

“The last time you wandered off on a venture such as this, might I remind you that you indeed encountered the very beast we hunted!”

Sakura laughed, turning away then, even as her soulmate struggled to his feet. “You worry too much,” she said, her eyes holding nothing but fondness for her soulmate, even as she ventured over to kick his knees out from under him and lower him back to the ground gently. _He shouldn’t have been trying to earn himself more injuries._ “I merely do not want this gifted shirt of mine to be ruined, especially not by your blood,” she whispered, thumb brushing over his cheek. “Besides, I do wish to bathe somewhat and have some quiet time alone to collect my thoughts – so unless you wish to come across such a sight or enable me to not relax as such, then I’d suggest you and everyone else stay here…”

_Manipulative little dragon, aren’t you?_

“But…” he trailed off, ears somewhat reddened at their very pointed tips, and Sakura sighed softly, turning back towards the forest and away from her soulmate then.

“I will return,” she said, expression darkening as she stared off into the distance, fingers itching to rip and tear through the flesh of her kin. _It had touched what was hers – injured what was hers._ “This is something I must do…”

She walked into the trees then, hurrying to get to the river some distance away. Her feet carried her further and further away, heading upstream once she reached the shallow, if wide, river. Only once chakra-imbued feet had reached a prominent rock miles away by the waterside did she stop. Anchoring her shirt in the waters with heavy rocks was simple enough – as was stripping herself of all her clothes and placing them close by.

_Are you really doing this?_ the voice asked. _After all of your professed hate for this form?_

“Yes,” she whispered, despite the loathing budding in her belly like a flower ready to bloom at the thought of shucking her human skin. _She hadn’t wanted to before, wanting to live as a human…_ But then a little upstart of a dragon had dared to harm _him._ Sakura would never allow such a thing to go unpunished. “It’s the only way I can easily track and kill such a beast.”

_Hypocrite._

Laughter escaped her, cold and biting. “I promised to protect him. Scales or no, I will do as such,” she said, staring at the fading sunlight and the bright star she could just about see in that daylight. The Evening Star. “He’s worth it… After all… he is my antithesis, and that alone gives his life such a great priority over my own.” She looked up then, staring at the sky. “His needs come before my wishes. Even if that wish is to be human…”

_You’re a dragon, darling,_ the voice reminded. _You can never ever be human, no matter what pretty skin you wear._

Sakura smiled, a morose thing, tears biting at the corners of her eyes. “That is very true,” she mumbled, closing her eyes as she willed the change to overcome her so.

Ripples went over her skin, soft pale pink flesh becoming hardened scale, her small body becoming so very large. Her spine crackled and popped, black tail appearing where there had been none. Her neck lengthened, lined with those obsidian black scales which coated almost every inch of her dragonish body. Fingernails became obsidian claws, acrid green eyes losing that rounded pupil – becoming slitted, the iris swallowing up almost all of the white of her eye. Nose and mouth became an elongated blackened snout, blunted teeth becoming sharp, jagged white fangs. Spines flared out on her back, rippling with but the barest of movements. Large, leathery black wings erupted from her back, ready to lift her oversized body into the air with but a few beats. A taloned hand slammed down on the trees which no longer towered over her. Rather it was the other way around.

A great shadow fell over the earth, and Ancalagon roared out in fury.


	25. taught me how to grow

Smoke trailed from her snout, creeping out from behind her sharp teeth as the fires crackled in her belly, ready to spew forth and set the world ablaze. It stung to remind herself that she had once happily done just that. But her soulmate was hidden away beneath the thick covering of leaves some miles to her left. She would never set the world aflame again, aside, perhaps, from when she burnt the bratling of a dragon who had _dared_ to harm what was hers and only hers. Her wings pounded the air, green leaves torn from their branches prematurely at the sheer force each wingbeat generated. Acrid green eyes locked down on the world beneath her, scanning for any sign of those jewelled scales a far cry away from her onyx ones which matched the tone of the great shadow she put on the earth. _And what an unsightly shadow it was…_

She took to the air, growl rumbling in her belly as she flew away from where her soulmate waited, resting and possibly just a bit startled. They might not have been able to get a clear view of her, hidden beneath the shrubbery, but they most certainly would have felt the coolness of her shadow upon them. Besides, it wasn’t like any would think her Ancalagon. They would have been more likely to think her a descendent – because, after all, Ancalagon was dead, and dragons weren’t supposed to be able to come back from death.

_It doesn’t change the fact you’re an ugly dragon,_ the voice whispered, quashing any sound or sight of the thought that she might be _different_ because of such a fact. She was evil. That fact was constant and unchanging. A low grumble vibrated from her throat, and Sakura was so very grateful dragons couldn’t cry in such a scaled form. _After all, why would a dragon need to cry?_ Sakura bared her teeth, some part of her relishing in the feeling of flying once more – of not being grounded. _Anchored to her soulmate through a bond which made her feel things she didn’t want to._ She wasn’t supposed to hope, she wasn’t supposed to love him so. Dragons weren’t made for such an emotion, and that was what she was. It was a fact which would never change, and she simply needed to get it through her thick skull.

Trees shook beneath the beats of her wings, a guttural snarl escaping her, acrid green eyes narrowed as they caught a glimmer of scales underneath the light. She wasted no time in attacking, fire boiling in her throat before she could even think about it, ripping through tree and bush alike as amber flames ate at them. A clawed hand moved so akin to how the other dragon’s had when attacking her soulmate, tearing through the small body of the dragon and tearing it apart.

_What a wonderful little kinslayer you are,_ the voice whispered as she stood there, red blood staining her onyx claws. It was hardly surprising how little of a fight there had been. She was the largest winged dragon to ever exist, and the third age had only diminished the size and power of dragons that much further. _Look at how much you burn,_ the voice murmured, and Sakura could only stare at the amber and orange flames as they flickered and burnt through the trees still, ruining the landscape which had once been peacefully green and brimming with life. _Until she had come along, that was._

There was only blackened ground, blood, and ash left there alongside the corpse of one of her kin. One who had been consumed by the madness and pain of that same fire she breathed out just then. The fire she had been remade in – warped into that which she was. _How lucky you were,_ the voice said, and Sakura only turned then, flying back along the swarth of destruction she had caused in her wake. She flew back, feeling neither relieved nor satisfied. There was only disgust as she stared at her bloodied claws and thought on how she _hadn’t_ changed a single bit. She was still a creature who only brought death and destruction. She was still a creature who only brought ruin to those around her. That was a fact which would never change no matter what she tried to do. _No matter who she tried to love._

She landed back in the place which she had, shedding her dragon skin then, two bare human feet coming to rest back upon the ground, scales replaced by pinkish human skin, body shifting and shrinking until she resembled a human once more, pink hair falling to her waist, the eyes the only thing which really stayed the same – and even then, only in colouring. Her heart throbbed, eyes narrowing on the blurred reflection she could see in the stream as evening fell heavy and thick around her. Sakura supposed if she were human she would have been shivering. But those days it was only the icy coldness which clawed at her heart which made her feel so much colder than she ought to – given she was a beast of the summer and fire heat.

Jumping into the waters, remembering how she had told them of going to bathe, instincts not letting her forget the pressing need to affirm her cover in any way that she could. _Coward,_ the voice whispered, and her shoulders only sunk as she wet her hair and scrubbed at her body then, wishing she could somehow scrub away that which she could become. _And make herself human once more._ Tears bit at the corners of her eyes, scant few memories of her first life coming to whisper at the eaves of her mind then. But what was done was done, and nothing could undo the changes wrought upon her body and soul. _No matter how she wished it so, so she could walk side by side with her soulmate in the sunlight he seemed to so radiate._

Sakura shook her head, pulling herself out of the waters, pressed with the need to return to her precious soulmate’s side. _He was probably worrying needlessly over a monster and her tendencies to run into other monsters._ She wished he didn’t – that he didn’t need to, that there was no terrible connection between them which would ruin everything. Chakra pulsed in her feet, quickening her steps even as the fabric of her hurriedly pulled on clothing stuck to her wet skin, her hair a darkish pink and dripping with water as she hurried back to where she had left them. She traced her path back along the river, heart pounding in her chest at the thought of being revealed right then and there.

Should they have seen her eye colouring in dragon form, then there was no possible way it could be denied, as unique _and ugly_ as that colouring of her eyes was. _Unless denial was involved – denial of becoming involved with a horrid monster such as she._ She swallowed, throat feeling cold and sore at that thought.

A rustling in the bushes made her blink, eyes wide as an elf she just about recognised came out from the underbrush, grey eyes locking upon her slightly bedraggled form. “There you are!” the twin she believed to be called Elladan spoke, hand closing around her wrist. “Come. Glorfindel grows more worried by the minute with your absence, and we are almost done with our preparations for leaving…” he said, dark brown hair fluttering behind him as he pulled her forwards and back towards the camp she had left what felt like only minutes before.

Clearly, killing one of her kin didn’t affect her as much as it might others. _And what does it say about you, cold, heartless dragon?_ the voice asked, insidious and cutting. “We’re leaving?” she echoed, brow crinkling in mild confusion. _Silly dragon. Of course they are – they’re not stupid, unlike you!_

“Did you not just witness what occurred?” Elladan snapped, fear and panic evident in his expression. _Besides, a creature like her deserved to be snapped at._ Sakura flinched. _She would only experience such expressions should they figure out that which she was, and it felt like they were all too close to doing as such through every fault of her own – the pieces of the puzzle had all been lain down, and now it was but a matter of piecing them together._ Her stomach twisted, and she found herself oddly looking forwards to running away back to Rivendell. _To Imladris, home of her soulmate._ How she wished it could properly become her home too.

_Greedy, greedy dragon,_ the voice purred, and Sakura dropped her eyes to the ground. “There was a dragon,” she mumbled, wanting to say something in the tense silence as she was pulled back towards the elves _and her so very precious soulmate._ The same one she seemed to have inadvertently claimed. _Bloody hoarding instincts._ Her lips thinned, and she stumbled over a tree root, much to Elladan’s consternation.

“Did you not see the size of it?” Elladan asked, fear and panic becoming all the more prominent. Sakura hated the old part of her which relished in such an expression on an elf’s face. She wished it would vanish. _Of course you can’t,_ the voice said, _it’s part of you, and it always will be, darling dragon._ “Even Glorfindel would not think to take on a beast of that size… and I am only thankful he is too injured to even consider such a course of action, heroic though foolhardy as it may be,” he murmured. “Nevertheless, we must return and report to Father on this matter… a dragon of that size…” he trailed off, and a mixture of fear and guilt swirled in her belly.

_See how much fear you caused?_ the voice spoke, glee just about audible in its tone. Her free hand curled into a fist and shook. How she hated what she had become… _What she had made herself become, because it was all her own choices._ The voice agreed with her there, and Sakura could only sigh softly as she was continually pulled through the bushes and trees. _She had walked far in her quest for peace and space to transform and wreak havoc and death upon the being who had dared to injure her precious._

“I… I’m sorry I did not return sooner,” she mumbled, feeling oddly sheepish as she stumbled over what she was meant to say to the brusque ellon she hadn’t quite interacted much with. _What marvellous acting. Deceiver_. The statements still cut like knives, no matter how much she heard them. Rather, the constant repetition made her feel worse, because she couldn’t deny it. She couldn’t deny any of it. “I was…”

“You were scared, it cannot be helped,” Elladan said blithely, misreading the situation. A fact Sakura was most grateful for, and yet hated at the same time. “Now hurry. We must return as quickly as we can,” he continued, picking up the pace, even as the low murmur of voices just about became audible.

Sakura stumbled into the clearing she had left a little while before, blinking as Elladan called to her soulmate _who was standing on his feet like he hadn’t been half-crushed beneath a dragon a matter of hours ago._ Annoyance and irritation flared within her then, eyes narrowing just as grey ones locked on her. Feet moved towards her, no doubt drawn by that magnetic pull towards each other they both seemed to have towards the other.

“You are safe,” her soulmate breathed, and Sakura could only blink and feel her cheeks and ears redden as her head found itself crushed between hand and breastplate. Fingers carded in her damp pink locks. “With your tendency to find trouble, I feared the worst,” Glorfindel said, still apparently blissfully ignorant to the fact that she might as well have _been_ the trouble that time around. It hadn’t found her, rather, she had sought it out. “I am glad to see you safely returned…” He released her then, turning to Elladan. “You have my thanks for bringing her safely back.”

“And as touching as this scene is,” Elladan replied, expression stern and unyielding, reminding her of his father’s. _And his grandfather’s – the one who had slain her once before._ “We ought to move on the road. This venture has not been successful, and we might just find ourselves in greater peril should we remain here,” he said, turning on his heel then, making a beeline for his horse, his twin brother following behind him, all the while casting nervous glances back towards them.

“He is correct,” Glorfindel murmured, grasping a hold of her hand then, tugging her in the direction of the horse she was so very familiar with by that point in time. “We must leave, and make haste,” he said, and Sakura soon found herself seated in front of him, staring at the long road ahead – leading back to Rivendell. _And a healing for her soulmate which would be so very swift compared to hers before._ “Loathe I admit it, I am currently in no state to fight without incurring more injuries… Truly, a dragon can inflict injuries with the barest of glancing blows…”

Sakura snorted, a bark of a laugh. “Don’t we both know it,” she muttered, earning a chuckle so very wonderful compared to her own.

“Alas, that would seem to be correct!” he exclaimed, resting his head atop her own almost unthinkingly, heedless as to the way she stiffened and the looks directed both of their ways at the so very casual display of affection. _Truly, she hated the effects of their bond sometimes._

_Liar,_ the voice whispered.

“Unfortunately this means we will have to be just a tad more careful on the journey home,” he continued, seemingly ignoring the way she stiffened in his grasp. _Oh how she would love to have a home after so many years of not having one – of not having anyone to return to._ A consequence partially because of the name upon on her arm which had been unreadable for so many years, even to her until her memories returned to her upon her reincarnation into that world.

“Then I will protect you for the time being,” Sakura stated, staring dead ahead, the hairs on the back of her neck standing up on end as she felt those grey eyes fix upon her. A soft, happy hum left his lips, the sound vibrating through her, even as they rode in the centre of the formation – the most well defended part. Elladan hadn’t permitted Glorfindel to refuse such a position, nor had any of the rest of the elves. _Her soulmate was so very loved._ Sakura rather wished she could be too, but that was a fleeting fancy, a dream which could never be achieved. _So it was better to give such an idea up._

“Somehow,” Elladan remarked wryly, “I doubt you will be up for facing a dragon of the size we just caught but a glimpse of,” he said, and Sakura could only snort. _What a wretched sense of humour she had._

_You might be surprised,_ was what Sakura wanted to say. But there were enough puzzle pieces on the board as to her true identity. Sakura didn’t particularly want to add another into play. “Well, if I’m left with no choice,” she mumbled, staring down at the horse’s mane then. “Then face such a fell beast I will.”

“You would die,” Elladan stated, as though that ought to have any effect on her. “Would you really sacrifice your life for him?”

Glorfindel stiffened behind her, grey eyes narrowing on the ellon riding beside them – his twin brother having seemingly taken over the front of their group. “Elladan,” he hissed, grasp upon her tightening, drawing her back against him, and Sakura found against the instincts to struggle or wiggle free. _That would only make his injuries worse, though admittedly it probably already was making them worse._

“Of course,” she said blandly. _She would sacrifice her life for him in an instant, because he was everything good. Everything she wasn’t._ Besides, it wasn’t like it would be the first time death had come a calling. She could bear it, more so if it was for her soulmate who seemed so very attached to her, blissfully ignorant as to the truth of their connection.

“No.” The arms wrapped around her then tightened, letting go of the reins then, and Sakura barely caught a hold of them. “You will not,” Glorfindel hissed, the sound of his voice so very different. _So very desperate to cling to a dragon._

Sakura turned then, acrid green staring at the profile of her soulmate then as best she could, considering her position. “You can’t stop me,” she said.

“You have barely known Glorfindel for a matter of months,” Elladan said then, distracting her from the hands which grasped at her as though she would disappear if he were to let go. “Why would you go so far, or has the value of your life somehow fallen?”

A snort escaped her before she could help it, the sound cold and biting, and she only found herself further tangled up in her soulmate’s grasp. “He is everything I’m not,” she said coldly, hating the tears which bit at the corners of her eyes and threatened to spill. “If that’s not enough of a reason, I don’t know what would be.” She looked at the elf riding beside her, grip tightening on the reins at the whispered reminder that her life really wasn’t worth all that much.

Elladan turned away then, a frown set upon his brow – likely to escape the forbidding stare which she could feel radiating from her soulmate. “Forgive me,” he mumbled then, sounding awfully sheepish all of a sudden. “My question was ill thought.”

Glorfindel huffed, and Sakura only hummed in acknowledgement, wondering when her soulmate would deign to let her go from the death grasp he seemed to have upon her as they rode on.


	26. it isn't in my words

By the time she was finally freed from the iron grasp of her soulmate, the sun was low on the horizon, and camp was being set up. Of course, she was only free for the amount of time it took for Glorfindel to dismount, injury and all, and then it was back to being held like she would vanish if his grip were to slacken in the slightest. Sakura didn’t quite understand the clinginess, but she didn’t particularly hate it. Not when a horrible part of her wanted to snuggle up beside him forever and ever. _But that was that terribly selfish part of her which hoarded all things gold and precious, and her soulmate was both. Extremely so._

Elladan had, wisely, taken a seat fairly far away from them both, if only because her soulmate occasionally sent a menacing glare his way whenever their gazes met. Sakura thought it more resembled a kitten’s glare, but then again, she was probably biased because she adored her soulmate. She adored him, and wished he had been bound to any other than her because it was so cruel to have that ugly name emblazoned on his skin. Though the fact she was a skin-changing fire-breathing dragon probably also had something to do with the fact that she didn’t find her soulmate’s glare that terrifying. _It would only be terrifying when directed her way._

_It will be eventually,_ that voice reminded her, and her mood dropped in an instant, shoulders slumping even as she found herself tucked into her soulmate’s side _like she actually belonged there._ Sakura felt a wave of exhaustion overcome her then, feeling as though it were dragging her down into the dark, deep, depths of the ocean. Part of her felt as though she just wanted to close her eyes and sleep forevermore – away from the worries, and the constant, ever-present fear of being discovered and hated by her soulmate. She didn’t want that, no matter how inevitable it was.

“What you said before…” Glorfindel said, frowning then as he stared off into the distance, his gaze sometimes drifting to the skies above. _But that great, large dragon wouldn’t reappear._ After all, said great, large dragon was sitting right beside him. Sakura smiled morosely. _Not that he seemed to know that._ “Did you truly mean that which you claimed?” he asked, sounding oddly hesitant. “You would truly give your life for mine?” His eyes narrowed, golden brows drawing together. _Worry,_ part of her dimly recognised. Sakura liked to think she was getting ever so slightly better at recognising such emotions.

She pulled her knees to her chest, a pool of self-hatred and misery swirling within. “Of course,” she mumbled, silky pink locks forming a curtain around her, shielding her from that earnest gaze which always cut her so. _Deceiver._ “I would hardly joke about something so serious.”

“I would not want another to die for me,” he said, arm still wrapped around her, fingers digging into the side of the armour she had put back on at her soulmate’s insistence. _Not that he knew she was a being of scales, fire, and death who could easily defend herself if only she transformed once more._ Sakura buried her face in her knees, unable to stop her elf from pulling her so that she was leaning against him heavily. “I would rather you live, if you are to do anything for me…”

Golden locks took up her vision then, and she could just feel the odd stares boring into her right then and there from all the other elves as they snuggled up together. _Really, she was far too close, for all that they had known each other for barely more than a couple of months._ The connection which drew soulmates together was so very powerful indeed. _If you had waited patiently…_ the voice whispered. _If you hadn’t burnt everything… If you hadn’t ruined everything…_ Her heart ached, the bitter part of her cursing her past actions, _but, really, that was the kind of being she was._ She couldn’t change that fact. She couldn’t change her bloody history with her soulmate’s kin. She was a monster and her soulmate was a hero. _And heroes always slay monsters,_ the voice reminded her. A moment she both longed for and feared. “That is a cruel thing to ask of me,” she mumbled. _Living by her soulmate’s side, knowing he would forever be out of her reach – the one person who, perhaps once upon a time, before all the chaos and misery her actions had wrought, might have been able to find it in his heart to love her._ “I would rather die somewhat heroically…” _compared to living on as the villain she had become._

“You can live heroically too,” Glorfindel said, steady and constant as the tides. She wished she had known all those years ago that she might have found somebody to love if she hadn’t taken her rage and anger out on the wrong people. _Innocent people._

Laughter escaped her, more of a chuckle though, lined with bitterness and regret for things she couldn’t change. For actions she couldn’t undo. “You know barely anything as to my past,” she murmured, leaning to press her cheek against his chest lightly, mindful of his injury.

One golden brow rose, grey eyes staring down at her then. “Perhaps because my dear friend is so very tight-lipped,” he remarked wryly, hand coming then to pat at her head, fingers tangling in her silky pink locks as she slumped against him. She was tired, so very tired by that point. Tired of living, tired of being afraid, tired of being that which she was. Part of her just wanted to close her eyes and sleep forevermore. _It would be nice – to rest, that was, when all she knew was pain, anger, and regret._

“I will remain that way,” Sakura said, _because it wasn’t like she could just tell him everything he no doubt wanted to hear._ Her finger traced a leafy design on his armour then, wishing she could still use healing chakra. _Wishing she still had the ability to mend as well as destroy…_ But she was a creature of that world now. Melkor had ensured that when he warped her in fire and sorcery.

Creatures of that world tended to only be able to heal or destroy. Either or. Not both, as she once had been able to, in that first ever life of hers. She was a being of destruction, who would only ever leave behind pain and ruin in her wake.

Fingers brushed over her cheek in a gentle caress. Sakura leant into the touch, hating herself that much more as she let herself be pulled inexplicably closer to her beloved soulmate. _One she would only ever be able to ruin rather than bring joy to as soulmates were meant to do._ She didn’t think she would ever be able to forgive herself for that. “Then I hope one day I will be able to unravel the mystery that you are,” he whispered, oblivious to the frission of fear which trickled down her spine at the thought of being uncovered – of being revealed as the ugly monster of ruin and revenge that she was.

“Some mysteries are better left as that which they are: mysteries,” she muttered, closing her eyes then and praying to whatever force had her ricocheting between the Elemental Nations and Arda to let her rest. _Even though she really didn’t deserve such a thing._ Redemption was meant to be painful, not simple and easy in the slightest. _Could you ever truly redeem yourself?_ the voice asked. Sakura thought the answer to that was a resounding _no._ But she had to try, _didn’t she?_ Otherwise what was the point in continuing to try and stay at her soulmate’s side. _What was the point in her continuing to live and breathe?_ “Because not all mysteries are good, nor enjoyable to work out,” she continued, hating and loving the hand which mussed her hair. It was so very warm, a comfort to her battered, evil soul. A comfort she had sought for so very long. A comfort she had once shed blood to try and earn.

She just wanted to be loved. _Was that so wrong?_

_Yes,_ the voice whispered, _for you, it is._ Sakura smiled, a bitter thing because the voice was always so very true – so very right. She was a monster. Monsters weren’t made, nor did they deserve to be loved. Tears bit at the corners of her eyes, trickling down her cheeks, and Sakura could only blame and hate herself. It wasn’t like she’d never had the choice to turn her back on her hatred and give up her hopeless quest to be loved.

“That just makes me all the more curiouser,” Glorfindel said, frowning then as her tears stained his armour. His gloved hand found her face once more, turning it better so that she could look up at him. “Have I said something to upset you, Lothien?” he asked then, brushing away at her tears with his thumb ever so gently.

Sakura shook her head as best she could what with her face pressed against his armour. “No,” she replied. “I don’t think anything you say or do could ever hurt me so,” she said, leaning into his touch, all the while despising the part of her which dared to feel so very happy at stealing her soulmate’s touch. Anything her soulmate did to her would all be justified by the fact she was a horrid monster who had dared to come close to him who she wished could become her beloved.

Glorfindel only sighed softly then, and Sakura was content to lay her head there and rest as best she could in that warmth which would eventually scorn her and burn her so. _Not that she wouldn’t deserve it._

* * *

The moon was high in the sky by the time the urge came to move from her comfortable position snuggled up against her soulmate. His cloak was wrapped around her shoulders, arm still holding her close, even as her soulmate slept. It was oddly fascinating to her at least – the way elves slept, eyes open, at one with the world around them as was in their nature. Sakura only really existed to ruin that nature. It was the reason she had been created, after all – the reason she had been snatched away after her first death, full of hate and rage as she was, and warped into that which she was to that very day.

Her bladder was annoyingly full, and she desperately needed to relieve herself, and so she wriggled out from Glorfindel’s grasp, stifling his protests by declaring quite audibly that she needed to relieve herself. _He didn’t argue after that, only sleepily stating that she was not to go too far._ Sakura decided a little out of hearing range was good enough, and given elves had sharp ears… she was a ways away from camp, even as she squatted behind a tree.

Chakra pulsed in her ears, bringing with it the sounds of everything around her – if only to ensure nothing interrupted her while her trousers were quite literally down around her ankles. But there were no orcs about, even if it was moonlight which they moved beneath, and she was safe even if she missed toilet paper as she cleaned herself up as best she could, pulling her knickers and trousers back up and shivering slightly. Her breath misted slightly as she breathed out. She wondered if her breath was somehow warmer thanks to the fires which raged inside her. The fires she so hated, if only for the one who had made her that way – made her into the very being her soulmate loathed. _But it was because of her that he loathed dragons so._

Sakura closed her eyes, looking up at where the moon peeked out between the trees, the stars shining merrily in the sky above. _Such a beautiful sight._ Her shoulders sunk, and she wondered why it was she had stayed there, by her soulmate. _Because you’re a selfish, evil little dragon who’s so very greedy,_ the voice supplied, and a burst of laughter escaped her. _Because wasn’t that the truth?_ She was being so very greedy and selfish getting as close to her soulmate as she was along with basking in his presences like she had any right to do so. “What a wretched thing I am,” she muttered, wishing she could somehow find it in herself to just run away into the night and stop ruining her soulmate’s life by existing as she did.

The elves around them had to be cottoning onto the fact something odd was going on there. _But then again, some were grateful to her for saving Glorfindel that first time, and others were hoping she would somehow stop her beloved soulmate from risking life and limb by trying to eliminate her kinfolk._

She rather doubted Elladan would be trying to ask her anymore questions for the rest of the journey, if only because her soulmate was seeming to be becoming just a bit protective. Not that she deserved him trying to protect her. _Not that he would continue trying to do just that after he found out that which she was._

Dimly, she wondered if Elrohir would try to ask any strange questions of her, or if he would be warned off by his twin. She had little doubt Elladan wouldn’t be riding beside them on the next day of riding, lest he wish to subject himself to Glorfindel’s imposing glare. A smile pulled at her lips then, even as the wind tugged at her hair, as if wishing to beckon her back to the camp. _No one in their right mind would want to subject themselves to that when they hadn’t done anything wrong._

A sigh escaped her then, and she turned, blinking at the sight she was met with. Though, deep down, she had really been expecting it sooner or later – but not quite like that. _For one, she didn’t think any would confront her on their own…_

Moonlight glinted off the blade levelled at neck height, her heart pounding at the image set before her. Grey eyes were narrowed upon her, long dark brown hair played with by the breeze as the ellon stared at her so very seriously. She took a step back, recognising Elrohir even as he stared at her with a mixture of disgust and fear. “You should release him from whatever spell or enchantment you have him under, _dragon,_ ” Elrohir spat, and Sakura could only blink. Partly in confusion, partly in shock, partly in anger, and partly in fear.

Sakura blinked yet again, rearranging her expression into one of confusion. _What a good little deceiver you are,_ the voice purred even as her heartbeat echoed in her ears, the pulsing of blood in her veins so very loud. “Dragon?” she repeated, eyebrows drawing together even as the voice cackled. “But I am human…”

“I know not how you have this… so very fair form… but a shade so unique, a colour caught between yellow and green – that was the colour of that dragon’s eyes. I could never forget such a colouring no matter how little time I had to glimpse it as such,” Elrohir said, stepping forwards, blade levelled at her throat, biting into it no matter how many steps backwards she took. “The same colouring as your own eyes…”

“Just because I have an unfortunate eye colouring—”

“You disappeared when the dragon appeared—”

“I was bathing. Forgive the unfortunate timing—”

“Besides the point – this connection between you and Glorfindel is far too unnatural. There can be no doubt in my mind, _dragon,_ ” he hissed. “You have him under your sway and you will release him so.”

Sakura blinked blandly, meeting that convicting grey-eyed stare and in it she saw no doubt. No way for her to convince him she wasn’t the dragon she truly was. But she was so very selfish. _Greedy, greedy dragon – always wanting that which you can’t have._ She wasn’t ready for it to be revealed. She wanted to bask in her soulmate’s presence just a little longer, bask in that warmth which had been denied to her for so very long. “Well,” Sakura said, grinning then. _It wasn’t a nice grin._ It was one of sharp teeth and malice. “Congratulations, _elf_. You’ve figured me out. I’m a skin-changer of the dragon persuasion,” she continued, scales rippling down over her hand, black talons replacing her fingernails. “Now – do tell me… what exactly do you plan to do about it?” she asked, grabbing a hold of the blade, wrenching it away from her neck then, uncaring as it flew out of the elf’s hand, clattering to the ground then a matter of metres away. “It is not as if Glorfindel will simply stand aside or even possibly forgive you, should you bring me harm – nor will he believe you should you try to oust my true identity…” _Even though her soulmate really should._

His eyes widened, feet stumbling back, and Sakura prowled after him until he tripped over a well-placed tree root. “I… I—They will notice if you murder me in these woods,” Elrohir said, eyes wide in panic, and Sakura let her killing intent out just a smidgeon – enough to shut the ellon up for but a moment. _The ellon who threatened to rightly ruin all she had managed to claim there._ “You would be revealing yourself, circumventing any ploy you might have to avenge your ancestor.”

Sakura blinked yet again. “My ancestor?” she parroted. “My, what would my ancestor have to do with anything?” She had no ancestors there. She was a firstborn dragon, the powerfullest kind of them all.

“Ancalagon,” Elrohir stated, even as she pinned him down there, seeing no point in keeping her eyes in their human state. _If only for the added intimidation effect it had._ “Your size and eye colour… I have seen that portrait, looked at it far too often…”

Laughter escaped her then, even as she sat atop him, black talons brushing against his cheek almost lovingly. “My,” she murmured, unwinding the bindings covering her arm then. “You may be right about my existence, you know, but, dear elf, you are so very misinformed,” she said, staring at the black text marring her arm then. “I have no great ploy regarding Glorfindel. Nor do I have him under any sort enchantment but that of his own making… I’m not Ancalagon’s descendent.” She twisted her arm then, revealing that damning name of the elf back at their camp, part of her relishing in the way Elrohir’s eyes widened. _You do thrive off drama, don’t you dragon?_ the voice purred, sounding so terribly excited. “I am Ancalagon.” His mouth dropped open, silent words escaping his lips. _No doubt as he tried to get his head around that fact, even as she wrapped her arm back up so very leisurely._ “You didn’t think elves were the only ones who could be re-embodied, did you?” Her talons bit into the tender flesh of his throat as she stroked at the soft skin there. A threat. “Now,” she spoke, taloned thumb digging into his chin as she made him look upon her and her reptilian eyes which belonged to a creature of nightmare and ruin. “Speak of this to anyone, and I’ll _burn_ your realm to the ground… with your father, and your dear, sweet sister within, and you wouldn’t want that, would you? Or do you think you can kill me before I change skins?”

Elrohir whimpered, giving his answer of what he thought on that matter, and Sakura wondered why he couldn’t see through her bluff and empty threat which she would never be able to carry out. _Because you’re an evil dragon who has a history of burning realms to the ground…_ the voice supplied. _And yes,_ Sakura supposed that was true.

Though it didn’t mean it stung any less.

“Silly ellon,” she muttered, patting his cheek then. “Did you really think you could get the better of me like this?”


	27. can't steal my thunder

“If I do not speak of your _true_ nature then,” Elrohir said, jaw wobbling, an expression of pure terror written upon his face as she stroked soothingly at his cheek, black talon tracing the skin beneath his eye. _Perhaps it would have been more soothing and comforting if she wasn’t a dragon and she didn’t have her talons out._ Not that she would ever harm such a lovely _good_ being like the grandchild of the one who had done such a good job with removing her once from existence in that world. _Not that Elrohir knew that much, and if she had her way, he would never._ “You will not harm me and my family?”

“Oh, I will throw away the thought of attacking your entire realm if you comply,” she remarked, smiling down at the elf in her grasp then, ears straining to pick out any sounds of anyone coming closer to them then. There weren’t any, and Sakura could only hum and stare down at the elf in her grasp, wondering what on Arda had been going through his head when he came out alone to challenge her – to threaten her. At first she had thought it might be some grand ploy. _But the baby elf in front of her wouldn’t be able to do such a thing._ Not on his lonesome, and on his lonesome he was. “Is this what you sought me out alone – to gain some sort of promise?” She grasped at his jaw, stroking at his chin then. _She wished she could be half as pretty as the elf before her, inside and out, and the jealousy burned so very ugly in her chest._

Elrohir turned his gaze away then, ears reddening even as he remained trapped beneath her, pale and frozen in terror.

“My,” she murmured, congratulating herself on keeping up her evil dragon façade. _Is it really a mask though?_ the voice asked. Sakura ground her teeth together for a split second before she refocused her attentions on the elf she had trapped there. “Did you really think you could take on a dragon of my calibre all alone?” she asked, laying the mocking tone on thick, knowing as that red tint crept into those bone white cheeks that she was correct. “Did you think me the same as that pathetic failure of a dragon who dared to attack that which is _mine_?” she questioned, chuckling then. _What a lovely sound…_ the voice whispered. _You really are an evil dragon, aren’t you? Can’t deny your true nature at heart, can you?_ “You are quite lucky I’m so very reasonable… otherwise you would be so very dead, prideful, reckless, little elf,” she said, lifting herself from where she sat atop him.

_She didn’t really want to snuggle up to another elf beside her soulmate for longer than absolutely necessary._ Her heart ached at the thought of her golden elf waiting for her back at their camp. It was oddly amusing and heart-breaking how much had changed between leaving and returning to that campsite. _How she wished she could stay by his side forever… but heroes were made to slay monsters. They could never coexist._

“Do not forget your promise,” she said then, letting her eyes shift back to their human state then, fingernails replacing those sharp black talons. She looked perfectly normal once more, perfectly harmless. _Deceiver,_ the voice reminded her, _and yes, she was that too._ Tears bit at her eyes but she didn’t let them fall or show. It would have ruined everything she was trying to exude. The cold confidence and malice which could only belong to a dragon or another creature of the Enemy.

Sakura turned on her heel then, a low, humourless burst of laughter escaping her as more of a grunt as she made her way back towards the camp then. Everything felt different though, as she returned, a gaping maw in her chest having opened up where her stomach should have been. She felt as though she were on the edge of a cliff, ready to fall, the toe curling rush of adrenaline pulsing through her veins as she waited to stumble over the edge and fall. Her heart beat furiously in her chest, hearing the sounds of Elrohir stumbling to his feet shakily behind her. _Silly, prideful, little elf._ Sakura snorted, dark amusement clawing at her then even as she trekked to her soulmate’s side and settled down beside him once more, tucking herself into his side, pain and guilt gnawing at her as he smiled brightly and settled an arm around her then. _Deceiver,_ the voice repeated once more, always wanting to remind her of what she was doing. _And how terrible she was to be tricking her soulmate as so._

Her stomach turned, and she felt so very sick there all of a sudden. Fingers carded in her pink locks, and she turned then, looking up into those grey eyes which were staring at her so very intently. _Like the eyes of a dragon having found gold and treasure,_ part of her mused before she pushed such a thought away viciously. She could _never_ compare her soulmate to her kin. _To something so very evil._ He was practically the physical embodiment of everything which was just and good in that world. “Is something the matter?” Glorfindel asked, and Sakura could find the words nor the energy to respond even as she lay her head down atop his armoured chest. “Lothien?” His stare became that much more piercing, fingers moving to wipe at her tears then, gloved as they were.

Elrohir chose that moment to stumble from the bushes, pale-faced, and Sakura only turned, green eyes locking on those grey ones.

“Brother!” Elladan cried, hurrying to his side then, even as his twin stumbled forwards, skin a horrible ashen colouring even as he was helped to a seated position across from her and her beloved soulmate. “Brother, what happened?” Elladan rested a hand on either shoulder, undoubtedly noticing the way those grey eyes of his twin flickered to meet her own which narrowed. _In challenge and warning,_ she liked to think, even as fear and anticipation bubbled in her belly.

“Nothing,” Elrohir said shakily.

_Elves very much sucked at being deceptive,_ or so Sakura decided as she stared at the understandably very shaken ellon sitting across from her. She wondered what he saw in her gaze as he pulled his eyes away, looking off then at something in the distance. _Perhaps the promise of completing the threat she had delivered to him earlier?_ Sakura could only wonder and watch, seeing the proof that elves were so very different from the horrid creature which she was. _Another mark against you,_ the voice whispered, and Sakura only turned to look back at her soulmate, wanting to distract herself from the bitterness and other dark emotions swelling in her belly which wanted to swallow her whole and drag her down into the depths of their despair. She just wanted to bask in her soulmate’s warmth and light then. She could stare at him for days, or so she decided, fingers curling then, an urge to run them through those golden locks she loved far too much. _Gold-loving dragon,_ the voice reminded, never letting her forget that which she was, and that which was out of reach thanks to such a fact.

“You!” Elladan’s voice pierced the stillness of the air, and Sakura already knew who he was speaking to before Glorfindel’s arm tightened around her, pressing her that much more tightly against his armoured form then. “What did you do to him?”

Sakura turned then, risking a glance into grey eyes which were narrowed, the beginnings of hate and rage just about visible, swirling in their depths as they were. Glorfindel’s other arm came around her then, trying to hide her from the enraged stare of the other ellon. She flinched when the picture of those emotions swirling in her soulmate’s gaze, directed at her, as such emotions – as such hatred – would eventually be. “Elladan,” Glorfindel spoke, an edge of warning in his voice then, a rumble in his chest.

“What did you _do_?” Elladan snarled, even as Elrohir grabbed at his twin brother’s shoulder before he could lunge at her and attempt to shake her secrets from her as he so looked like he wished to. Panic was written on Elrohir’s face, dark amusements and relief surging within her at the realisation that Elrohir intended to keep her secrets. _For the time being at least._ She didn’t want Glorfindel to hate her. She didn’t ever want that. _And yet it was inevitable,_ the cold, terribly pragmatic side of her reminded. Secrets were bound to slip out eventually, and she would have to face the consequences of her actions sooner or later. She would have to adjust to the fact she would never be loved. _After all, that was something a dragon wasn’t allowed._ Not even their creator loved them, though she doubted he had been capable of such an emotion.

Love was something only creatures of good ought to be able to feel. She was a creature of evil through and through. _The love she had for her soulmate was undeniably twisted, just like her own soul._ “Brother,” Elrohir hissed, panic flashing in his eyes then. “She _did_ nothing!” he cried, fear hidden beneath the urgency in his tone.

“Then what _happened_?” Elladan demanded, turning his attention back on his brother, and Sakura turned back to face her soulmate then, meeting those grey eyes which held an emotion Sakura knew she was only imagining. _He could never love a dragon, after all._ He was just being so kind to her. _Or so she told herself,_ despite the voice whispering in the back of her head, telling her that she had ensnared him so. _And who did she think she was kidding with such paltry reasonings?_

She felt horribly safe, lying there with two arms wrapped around her, _despite the possible pain her soulmate might be in thanks to that pathetic member of her kinfolk._ A guttural snarl rumbled in her chest, but Sakura didn’t want to taint her soulmate’s ears with such an _ugly_ sound. So silent she remained as Glorfindel shifted back, seemingly trying to make them both as comfy as could be for the night which had come so very fast. _Darkness does always come and try to claim that which it cannot keep, doesn’t it?_ the voice said then.

“You should rest, Lothien,” Glorfindel said, smiling down at her so very fondly, ignoring the quiet, strained spat between the two twins behind her, focus solely on her in a way that made her heart race and a crushing sensation weight down upon her. _It was like a knife piercing her chest – the thought he would soon hate her._ She could never forget that which she was and that which would forever be out of her reach thanks to such a fact. _Evil dragon,_ the voice murmured, cementing the thought. “We have a hard day of travel ahead of us on the morrow.”

A sigh escaped her at the reminder that she would be seated back atop that horse once more, green meeting grey one last time, guilt gnawing at her even then as she closed her eyes, snuggling far too intimately up against her soulmate then.

_Greedy, greedy dragon._

* * *

Noeneth numbered amongst the ones to greet them as they clattered back into the main courtyard. Relief flooded her face as she spied her there, looking relatively uninjured. “Lothien,” she murmured in greeting, before a frown crossed her face as she spied Glorfindel being carted off to the Halls of Healing then. “If it is not one, it is the other…” she muttered, shaking her head then as she watched her soulmate be rushed away to have his injuries treated. _And he wasn’t a horrid, evil dragon, meaning his wounds would be healed so much quicker than her own_. She smiled at the thought, stomach twisting with fear and accursed _hope,_ even as Noeneth continued speaking with her _._ _She wouldn’t hold a conversation with her once she knew that which she was._ “I am glad to see you returned to us whole and hale for once.”

Sakura smiled then, feeling so terribly tired and drained all of a sudden. Though she had truly been rather exhausted for the majority of the journey back, and she could pinpoint how it had begun. After all, how could she forget the fact that her secret was now known by one. _An elf who had only kept his silence for fear of her burning his father’s realm to the ground._ Sakura could only wonder what had made him keep his silence so. _One couldn’t deny the fact that she had a greater access to the realm as she was right then, unrevealed and welcomed still in that elvish realm._ The wardings on its boundaries were so obviously faulty for them to let such a being of evil pass undetected. She wondered if he would ask his father to renew them, tied as they were to the son of the ellon who had slain her once before. _She wondered if his grandchildren would be the ones to uproot the life she had there – the life she didn’t deserve to keep on living, what with how very deceptive she was being._

A hand on her cheek made her look up from the ground which her gaze had fallen to. “Come,” Noeneth said then, a slender yet strong arm coming around her shoulders. The featherlight touch left her cheek and the puffy skin just beneath her eyes. “You look as though you could use some rest…”

Her eyes felt so very heavy then, feet stumbling as the elleth led her away from the ongoing commotion going on behind them in the courtyard as she was mentioned. _Not by the name of ‘Lothien’ though._ Rather, they were speaking of the large black dragon which had suddenly appeared in the midst of Glorfindel’s hunt for another. _The strange large black dragon who had a size comparable to Ancalagon – though surely couldn’t be that dragon, given evil Ancalagon was very much dead to them._

Elrohir’s gaze bore into her back all the while, and Sakura could only hunch over somewhat under that stare which felt as though it ought to bore holes in her back, hurrying along with Noeneth, if only to escape that terrified stare which only served to remind her that her world, her life, was only a few whispered words from falling apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... we're back in Imladris once more...
> 
> Elrohir had elf-pride and confidence which failed him epically there, and I'm making good on those other relationship tags there (because they're there for a reason). Though I promise I won't keep you waiting in anticipation for too much longer.
> 
> Until next time!

**Author's Note:**

> SPORADIC UPDATES T_T


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